january one: One Year

July 06, 2008

One Year

One year ago today I asked you all for some good wishes. I didn't tell you why - I couldn't. I wasn't ready. I had to do this on my own. Well, not entirely on my own, but mostly on my own.

Last year, on this day, two embryos were thawed and transfered into my uterus.

To say it was difficult getting to that day - getting successfully THROUGH that day - is a tremendous understatement. It's only now, in hindsight, that I realize how depressed and sometimes desperate I was in my struggle to get pregnant. And most of it was mental and emotional. The physical issues preventing us from getting pregnant on our own were relatively easily fixed by IVF. I think I always knew that once we did the procedure, we'd get pregnant so maybe that's why I panicked so badly 3.5 years ago. We panicked. It's true, we panicked together. Neither one of us was ready at that moment, but I've always felt responsible.

Afterward, I kept myself busy. Told myself it was the right thing to do. I started this blog. Tried to escape how badly I felt.

I once had a dream about those frozen embryos. A letter came to me in the mail. With a picture of an embryo attached to it. "When are you going to come claim your children?" The letter seemed to scream at me. It gave an update on the "kids" like you'd get from one of those orphan children organizations. "Here is your frozen embryo. It's doing well, but it needs you." This particular embryo was named Ida. The doctor from the clinic had sent it.

Already I was a terrible mother.

For months (years?) I walked around ready to burst into tears, but at the time I'm not sure I would've completely connected it to the lack of a baby. Guilt is an awful lot to bear.

When I finally admitted to myself that I wanted a baby more than anything, it was like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I set a course of action - which for me meant lots of psychiatric help - whether or not it was truly warranted - and I built myself a support system that wouldn't allow me to fail.

I say I I I, but it was always we. Georgie was and always has been and continues to be my greatest support. While it was always our decision, together, to have a child, it was still me who physically and mentally had to be the most ready.

That day last year was bright and sunny and I was scared to death but I was also very excited. There was no turning back. My own personal independence day. In my heart I know that July 6, 2007 was one of my greatest triumphs ever and I can't believe it's been a year. What a wonderful, awesome, gorgeous, lovely year.

July 6, 2008 from January One on Vimeo.

Posted by Cara at July 6, 2008 02:06 PM
Topics: Baby? OH BABY! ~ Life

Comments

I'm an emotional wreck! This is beautiful and I am so happy for both you and George; but most of all, Miss Meli, what a lucky girl. She will never have a doubt about how much she was wanted.

Posted by: Carol at July 6, 2008 02:26 PM

Happy your own personal Independence Day; I just started reading your blog around the time Meli was born so I had no idea. Carol's right - Meli's a lucky girl; I hope all your coming years with her are wonderful, awesome, gorgeous and lucky!

Posted by: (formerly) no-blog-rachel at July 6, 2008 02:29 PM

She's lovely! Thanks for sharing.

Posted by: anmiryam at July 6, 2008 03:10 PM

I remember that day one year ago SO WELL! Look at her today...she's a miracle.

Posted by: margene at July 6, 2008 04:00 PM

I sit here reading your entry while cuddling my 3 year old, son #2 is due any day and all I can think is that having kids is just wonderful. there's nothing better. I am glad you get to be a mom.

Posted by: meg mcg at July 6, 2008 04:53 PM

She is just so beautiful! I remember those days oh so well...enjoy them!

Posted by: Candy Glendening at July 6, 2008 04:58 PM

Cara - I had to delurk again. She's beautiful; her eyes are so expressive. My little boy is only a few weeks younger, so I think I know a bit how you feel ;-) She's just wonderful, I can't say it enough.

Posted by: Ellie at July 6, 2008 05:38 PM

What a beautiful journey that is still just beginning. She is so precious.

Posted by: Vicki at July 6, 2008 06:27 PM

Aw!!! She is sooo very beautiful! And that giggle and grin :) I'm glad you did what you needed (felt you needed?) to do and are so very happy now.

Posted by: Nikki at July 6, 2008 06:41 PM

I am so incredibly happy for you!
Meli is just adorable!

Posted by: Nancy at July 6, 2008 07:08 PM

Do you get tired of me saying the same thing over and over? Well, your child is just a beautiful baby. Her smiles make me smile. Her contented look makes me smile. Your story made me smile and feel like a cheerleader -- HOORAY CARA!! GOOD FOR YOU!!! Thank you for sharing it all.

Posted by: SallyA at July 6, 2008 07:14 PM

What a long year it has been. And what a wonderful ending for you all.

Posted by: donna lee at July 6, 2008 07:19 PM

I had just started reading your blog a year ago and I remember this day. Because I was still getting to know you, I had no idea what could be going on but I did try to send good vibes. Gosh, I am so happy for the three of you! Look at the gorgeousness that you and Georgie have created! Wow...I hope to be that lucky some day...

Posted by: Becky at July 6, 2008 07:34 PM

I'm playing blogreadingcatchup today. My, you've been VERY busy! Meli is precious! So enjoyed all the pictures. We opted for adoption - two boys - brothers from South Korea. They arrived in 1988 one week before Mother's Day. Motherhood -- very special -- however you get there.

Posted by: Robin at July 6, 2008 08:00 PM

happy one year :) you're little girl is getting bigger every day!

Posted by: gleek at July 6, 2008 08:11 PM

She's adorable in the still pictures, but she's even cuter on film! Thank you for sharing!

Posted by: Sarah at July 6, 2008 08:38 PM

Gorgeous baby!

Posted by: eyeleen at July 6, 2008 10:08 PM

Gorgeous baby!

Posted by: eyeleen at July 6, 2008 10:08 PM

She's beautiful, and because you were ready now, life is beautiful. You are truly blessed with your little gurl!

Posted by: Sharon at July 6, 2008 10:36 PM

i come here and feel so repetitive that i can't even comment, but...she's beautiful, you and g. are the loveliest, and i'm so glad for you.

Posted by: mrspilkington at July 6, 2008 10:49 PM

That is a fabulous story and so similar! I just celebrated the 7th "anniversary" with my daughter yesterday (7/5/08). I had my embryo transfer that day and tell her that that is the day we first were together. I have had our picture taken on that day every year since she was born. This year, she didn't want the picture. :-( (She's 6 now.) I figure all traditions have to end at some point and i didn't want to have a fight about it on our special day. It will always be a special day for me--the day my life changed forever and definitely for the good!
Enjoy that baby girl. She is precious and I can tell how much she is loved by both you and G.
Tammy

Posted by: Tammy at July 7, 2008 03:20 AM

I too remember reading 1 year ago and thinking to myself...OMG! January One is pregnant...and got excited. What a great gift it is to be a mom. This, coming from me...a mother of a 13 yr old and a 10 yr old. Enjoy everyday, they seem to go by so quick. By the way, LOVE the video. She's adorable.

Posted by: Miss Amy at July 7, 2008 08:14 AM

You are awesome. Georgie is awesome. Meli is awesome. And you all make for one freakin' AWESOME family. Mwah!

Posted by: Vicki at July 7, 2008 09:26 AM

S.M.I.L.E!

Posted by: GailR at July 7, 2008 09:46 AM

oh the squishy love!!! I adore that video~ I can just stare at my nephew for hours I swear it's like crack! She's so amazing!

Posted by: Leone at July 7, 2008 10:38 AM

I love this post so much. It was touching to watch Meli in the video. Thank you for sharing.

ps: I've been reading here for a few years now (but this is my first comment). I don't mind which direction your blog goes, as long as you keep posting. You write so well, it wouldn't matter what subject you cover, plus your photography is exquisite.

Posted by: mary anne at July 7, 2008 01:22 PM

What a year! And it just keeps getting better :)

Posted by: Sarah at July 7, 2008 01:40 PM

Hard to believe all that can happen in one year. She's so precious. I remember reading last year and wondering what the mysterious circumstances were. You did an awesome job through it all.

Posted by: Carol at July 7, 2008 02:19 PM

De-lurking with a (belated) congratulations for your beautiful daughter. (It must be "blogcatchupday" all around, because I too just read the last 4-5 months.) Thanks for sharing your story and your embryo pictures (I always think they look like flowers). Isn't it incredible to think about from there to a REAL (adorable) BABY?

Posted by: Michelle at July 7, 2008 05:10 PM

Cara, I am so happy for you! I hope you remember me from ovusoft...oh so many years ago. I remember you. You helped me with photography so much. I am so thrilled that you have the baby you always dreamed of. Change is good.

Posted by: Kristie at July 7, 2008 06:44 PM

I have to de-lurk to say...beautiful. Absolutely beautiful!

Posted by: Mary at July 7, 2008 08:14 PM

She is a beautiful little girl, and you make an awesome family. Be proud of what you've got an how much you've been through to get it.

Posted by: Sandy at July 7, 2008 08:48 PM

Thank you for sharing.

Your one year anniversary reminds me of the Chinese convention of children being a year old at birth, somehow. What a year it's been indeed. I remember that post!

And Meli looks like she has an old soul. You and your husband, with a touch of help, have made a wonderful little person together. Isn't she amazing? Isn't the whole thing just amazing? Could you ever have imagined?

Posted by: Cathy-Cate at July 7, 2008 10:49 PM

I remember wanting to have a baby so bad it hurt, but then you get them and what a joy they are. And it just keeps getting better. You have a beautiful little girl.

Posted by: Jewel at July 8, 2008 08:23 AM

Your honey girl is getting sweeter by the day !!!
You are doing a great job , she looks happy and content.

Posted by: Antigoni at July 8, 2008 12:18 PM

What a lucky baby, to be loved so so mcuh. She is adorable!

Posted by: Mary Kay at July 8, 2008 12:38 PM

she's so beautiful. I'm so happy that you turned a really stressful, upsetting process into one of growth and empowerment. And she is SO beautiful.

Posted by: mia at July 8, 2008 03:04 PM

She's adorable! It sounds that you are doing so well and healed. This sounds like a very good year for you!

Posted by: tiennie at July 8, 2008 09:04 PM

She is absolutely beautiful, and more so I think because the appreciation you have of her, from taking the time to truly prepare to be her parents, reflects from those pretty black eyes. :)

Bless your happy home.

Posted by: Audrey at July 8, 2008 10:08 PM

i take back what i said in my email (note to self, read blog first, email second)...i'm NOT sorry that you have this anniversary. i thought you meant a loss or other sadness. while i'm sure it's a very emotional anniversary for you, i'm so happy you have it because it means that you are where you are today with your beautiful baby girl. xoxo

Posted by: megan at July 8, 2008 11:31 PM

See, you forgot all the puking already huh =-]
I know you don't get tired of hearing it but she is a wonder!

Posted by: mary at July 16, 2008 04:41 PM