About a week ago, Meli decided to give up her pacifier - the plastic one. Now many of you, especially the ones with teenagers who went off to college with their pacifiers tied around their necks at the ready, will think I'm extremely lucky that she seems to have given it up on her own. And I would be if she were say two. But she's only eight months old and her need to suck is strong. She she sucks on me. A lot.

It used to be that whenever she went to sleep - for the night or for naps - we'd lay down and nurse and then when it was clear that she was asleep and only comfort sucking, I'd switch out the boob for the paci. She'd sleep pretty much through the night, maybe waking up once or twice to nurse for a short while and a lot of the time if I stuck the paci back in her mouth she was good to go. And she'd nap well too - maybe I'd have to go in and give her a cuddle and the pacifier, but I'd usually get a good hour or so.

No more. Now she wants to nurse and nurse and nurse and if I try to slip my boob out she literally clutches at it in her sleep and stuffs it in her mouth. Her desperation is simultaneously melt your heart and a bit scary. It takes forever to leave her for naps and when she finally does fall asleep, she's up in like fifteen/twenty minutes still wanting to sleep but needing to nurse/suck all over again.

I can't get anything done. That's why I'm writing this at 2:30 in the morning. I'm up working. This is my most stressful month of the year and I have two more weekends of shooting and probably another month of processing and designing before I'm done for the holidays and man I'm already exhausted. I'm not complaining, per se. I'm happy to have work to do and I'm loving my baby more and more every second (if that's even possible!) I just wish she'd go back to her pacifier.

Of course, the main problem is that in my exhaustion I'm questioning all of my parenting choices. I shouldn't have let her sleep with us. I should've done some kind of sleep training thing so that she'd fall asleep on her own. In her crib. Deep down I'm happy she's with us. I LOVE nursing and I'd miss her so much and I know Georgie loves having her with us. This is the right choice for us and if I wasn't so busy it wouldn't matter. But I am and it's hard and doubt is easy.

She's so much fun these days, I wish you could hang with her. Sometimes I'm sad that I'm the only one that really sees all her nuances and funny personality traits. By the time G gets home from work she's sick of me and desperate for him (their love affair is precious!) and she's also ready for the day to end and she doesn't do her little laugh when I pretend to hiccup. Or when she burps and I say excuse you in a really exaggerated voice. Or when we lay face to face and look each other in the eyes and I just can't believe she's mine. I'm sad for G and all of you that you don't get to share, but also I'm so so lucky that I get to be her mom. That's my true super power.

I have to get back to work. Thanks for the chat.

PS - When I was growing up we sang The Inky Dinky spider. Most of the books and my sister's kids all say The Itsy Bitsy Spider. But the class we're going to sings The Eensy Weensy Spider. I just found it interesting is all. I'm not singing to Meli at 4 AM, but the thoughts do pop in.

PPS - The winners of last week's contest were Lisa (grand prize) and Caitlin (sock yarn)! CONGRATULATIONS!!

But really - you are ALL winners! Way to restore my faith in contests! WHOO HOO! We'll have to have another one soon. And because I love you all, I'm offering a conciliation prize!

Yup. That's right. I love you so much I've uploaded a long boring video of my kid. It's true, I've become one of THOSE parents. Anyway, my little one turns eight months old tomorrow! EIGHT MONTHS! I'm astonished. We were watching some video the other day of her when she was so little and oh my god already I miss my baby. This video is a good example of how she doesn't stop. Ever. I fear teeth and true mobility are weeks if not days away. I'm afraid. Very afraid.

Enjoy!

THANK YOU!

My "come to Obama" moment came fairly late in this election. I voted for Hillary Clinton in the primary and wasn't going to give in to all the hype surrounding Obama. My sister, who at 26 is in a very different stage of her life than me, was all about the ideology of the election. "Things are changing! Even if we lose, look at all the young people who have mobilized because of him." But I was very, very afraid. For me, this attitude change wasn't enough. We needed to WIN at all costs. This country has been so severely damaged in the last eight years that it might not be fixed in my lifetime. I wondered why the democrats couldn't just put up an easy win. What were our choices? A polarizing woman who had dynasty written all over her, regardless of her intelligence and readiness for the job and a fairly inexperienced man of color. Were they kidding?!?

I didn't just vote for Obama because the other choice was not an option (and in my opinion, offensive on many, many levels), but because I came to respect his intelligence, his pragmatism and his thoughtfulness. He ran an admirable campaign - especially in this day and age. And the idea that we would have a leader who was (FINALLY!) smarter than me - well - that was just the icing on the cake.

Still, though, I was very scared. This election, while historical and significant for our country and the world, is historical and significant for me on a whole other level. This election, I voted as a mother. As a parent, I'm making decisions that will affect my daughter's life on a daily basis. I will never forget the day I voted in the primary - I was pregnant and the whole walk over to the polling center I talked to my baby. I told that baby that we were going to vote in an historic election. That we were going to choose a woman to possibly lead our country. But I also told my baby that there was a man of color on the ballot and the fact that I had to choose between a woman and a man of color was the hardest and best possible choice to make. Everything they had ever told me in my life might possibly be true.

In the end, I didn't vote for me or my country. I voted for my daughter. I elected a president that can change the trajectory of her path in this world, the vision she has of our country, her own self-esteem. I elected a president that truly shows her - not just with platitudes, but with action - THAT ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE.

Thank you America. Thank you for helping me make all things possible for my daughter. Thank you.

We don't care who you vote for (well, actually, we care very, very much - but it's still more important that you actually VOTE!)

JUST DO IT! GO! VOTE!

The other day, with Rhinebeck looming in my mind, I started thinking, yet again, how much I miss my blog and my community. I thought to myself - you should have a contest. You used to have really fun good contests! Why not have another one? You could really jumpstart the blog!

Enter fate, via an email from Carrie at Onlineshoes.com! A while back I blogged about a pair of Dansko clogs that I bought from Onlineshoes.com that were perfect for my handknit socks. (See them here!) Apparently, this blog post did not go undetected by Onlineshoes.com and they came to me with a proposition. Would I be interested in telling all of you about their new contest? In exchange, they would give me a $100 gift certificate to Onlineshoes.com to give away to one of you! I emailed Carrie back. "Let me clarify - I mention your contest on my blog, and you'll give me a $100 gift certificate to give away?" She wrote back YES! I said - SIGN ME UP!

So here's the details on the Dankso Contest at Onlineshoes.com!

Onlineshoes.com is giving away a pair of Limited Edition Dansko Professionals to two lucky winners! All you have to do to win is tell them HOW DO YOU DANSKO?

Enter for a chance to win one of these!

Enter their contest here. It's open to US residents only and there is no purchase necessary to play! The contest runs through November 10, 2008. GOOD LUCK!

NOW - for MY CONTEST!

One of the things I loved about this opportunity was how it coordinates with the end of Socktoberfest! Unfortunately I did not knit myself a new pair of socks this Socktober, but I know many of you did. What better way to celebrate than with a new pair of shoes! But I'm not just giving away a $100 gift certificate to Onlineshoes.com, I'm also giving away yarn for your next sock adventure! A $25.00 gift certificate to Blue Moon Fiber Arts for your very own pair of Socks That Rock!

Fortunately or unfortunately, this lucky grand prize winner must live in the United States - basically because Onlineshoes.com only ships within the US. BUT! I can't let all you non-US readers get away without a chance to win as well so I will choose a SECOND winner, at random, and that winner will receive a $25.00 gift certificate to Blue Moon! YAY!

What do you have to do to win?

Leave me a comment. Tell me about your favorite pair of shoes ever. Or your favorite sock pattern. Or just say hello and tell me that you miss me. ;-) I don't care. Please only leave one comment. I will choose a GRAND PRIZE WINNER at random - after verifying that they live in the US, I will forward them on to Onlineshoes.com so they can claim their $100 gift certificate and send them the Blue Moon gift certificate. If the first winner I pick happens to live outside the US, they will automatically win the second prize of a Blue Moon gift certificate. I will then continue to pick winners at random until I find someone who lives in the US. If the first winner I choose, at random, lives in the US, then I will choose a second winner, at random, and they will win the second prize regardless of where they live. Comments will be accepted through 11:59 PM EST Wednesday, November 5th!

So. Leave me a comment. C'mon. You know you want to!

[ETA: Please note that I have absolutely nothing to do with Onlineshoes.com or Blue Moon Fiber Arts other than I have patronized them in the past. I don't work for them. I will receive NOTHING in return for promoting them - not even free shipping. ;-) ]

Stolen from Annie's Flickr Set. Thank you!

She's been saying BAAAA all week.

I wonder why? ;-)

See a lovely Rhinebeck family portrait here. (Thanks Annie!)

-- The other night I was so pissed off watching the last debate I made my first ever contribution to a political campaign. Then I spent the next day looking for my wallet, which I had conveniently left next the computer when I was so pissed off. I blame the other guy.

-- I'm waiting for this bag! Hopefully it will come today. I'm excited because I think it will make a fabulous diaper bag, hopefully with some room for knitting.

-- No Rhinebeck sweater this year. I'm bringing my Oblique and my Central Park Hoodie and lots of socks. And today will be spent trying on all the fabulous knitted gifts Meli received. Thank god other people knit for her!

-- While this year will be a bit bittersweet, I'm so looking forward to this weekend! Say hi if you see us!

Have a fantastic weekend whatever your plans!

This being sick with a baby? Really freaking hard. It's like she knows what's up and has picked today, the day I feel like hell, to be all clingy and whiney. My love.

Think well thoughts for me.

We're only doing two meals a day and already I'm exhausted. It's bad enough, generally, that I have to feed myself - but all the prep and clean up are almost more than I can handle. I'm so not good at this stuff. Feeding her is fun though. Right now we're doing bananas and oatmeal. She really loves the whole eating thing. I hope she's like her dad in that respect. I could take it or leave it. Haven't they come out with that time release pill yet? You know, the one you take in the morning and you don't have to think about eating until you take that pill the next day? God I'd be so happy.

Tomorrow (or today, really) we're off on a little family vacation. The beach in the Fall is so much fun and now that Meli's sitting up - let's just say I hope she doesn't confuse sand with oatmeal. Besides quality time with my two favorite people in the whole wide world, my only goal is to sleep some and knit.

Have a great week! L, C

Thanks. I needed that. The next few weeks - months really - are exceedingly busy. Not just with work and baby but with lots of family obligations. I won't be home much, which really sucks, and when I am home I'll have lots of work to do. BUT! Big news! We'll be at Rhinebeck. The whole JanuaryOne family! Yipee!!! Although, I'm a bit disappointed because I started a sweater hoping to have it done in time and there's no way. Especially since I was just about done the back and had cast on the fronts and now haven't knit for two weeks. I'm so tired. Here's hoping it's really hot like it always is and I won't miss that sweater too much. It's so gorgeous. An aran. Using really great yarn. Someday I'll have the energy to tell you about it. Promise!

Have a great weekend!

1. That my baby girl is now 15 lbs, 9 oz and 26 inches! YAY MOMMY MILK! How big is my girl?!

2. That I get to take lots of pictures of lots of babies and then I get to come home to my own baby girl. Ain't nothing like the real thing baby!

3. RICE CEREAL!

4. The fact that my baby girl is loving this new adventure. See here:

5. That my baby girl is okay enough with strangers (i.e. MomMom) that Daddy and I had a date last night. Man I was like a teenager in LURVE! God I love that man. Thanks Mom!

6. These shoes. You tell me. What little girl doesn't need a pair of red patent leather mary janes? Dude. Let the shoe fetish begin! (Thanks Aunt Margaret!)

7. That I finally found my baby's blanket. The one she's going to love for the rest of her life whether she likes it or not. (It's a DNA thing. Trust me.) Just like her mommy's. A post will come about this - but it's been quite a search and the result has been quite an experience in sense memory.

8. Naps.

9. Waking up from naps with those gurgly little sounds and a big smile.

10. Kisses. Lots of kisses from my baby girl. Wet, sloppy, open mouth, drooly kisses. THE.BEST.EVER.

I don't want to be all melancholy at my daughter's progress, because her growing up and learning new things is very definitely progress, but milestones make me reflect and a six month birthday seems like a really big milestone. She's doing so many more things - she can sit up for a decently long time now, she rolls over both ways (belly to back and the much harder back to belly), she grabs everything in sight, she babbles all the time ("Meli, what does a sheep say?" "Ba ba ba!" "HOW DOES SHE KNOW THAT?" said my five year old niece. My sister and I laughed our asses off at our very lucky timing! My baby's a GENIUS!), she smiles and sort of laughs (never again repeating the belly laughs of a month ago), she's just an absolute joy! She's also much harder to care fo, staying awake for longer and longer periods during the day and demanding constant entertainment when she is awake. She gets bored really easily. And man can she get angry! Add to all of this my increasingly busy work schedule and I'm tired.

Really, really tired.

More tired than I ever was when she was first born.

It's okay though and I'm not here to complain because even the moments I hate I love and being a mother has brought me more satisfaction and contentment in the last six months than anything I've ever done.

I'll tell you why I'm here: I'm here to write. We're still walking as much as we can (today we're going for five days in a row) and increasingly my mind wanders on my walks and I find myself writing. I've missed the blog so much lately and I finally realize why! I miss the WRITING. When I was updating the blog on a fairly daily basis, every day I'd sit down and write. Maybe it was something silly, or pseudo-important, more often than not my catalyst was knitting (which I'm still doing - or was doing - ugh. I miss that too!) but it didn't matter how I got started, the end result was the same. I WROTE SOMETHING. Anything. And I understand now that it satisfied me in ways that motherhood, wifehood, friendhood, sisterhood, knitting-hood, can't ever really come close. It's a different kind of satisfaction, and not something I can fully explain.

Long ago, in another lifetime it seems, I was in school for creative writing. Fiction to be exact. This adventure with the written word was truly the culmination of a lifelong dream. I always wanted to write. Always. It's what I'm best at, really. It's the hardest thing ever (next to motherhood - I can say that now with a little bit of authority) and just about the most satisfying when done right. I was lucky enough in my short career to have my work published and recognized and then I started trying to get pregnant and it was like all my creative energies went towards procreating instead of writing. I didn't have any room left in my heart or my head to keep writing fiction (every character was trying to get pregnant. Talk about a rut.) I started the blog right after our failed IVF attempt and it saved me. Knitting saved me. Writing about knitting saved me. And then I found my blog voice. I so enjoyed it! I think I was funny - maybe even a little insightful - and people started reading the blog - lots of people and that just made the whole thing all the more fun! (I don't care who you are - writers may write for themselves, but they all want to be read.)

Anyway, this is all just diarrhea of the word and the brain and I feel like this post has been coming for a very long time. I want to write again. On a regular basis. Whether it's the blog or something else, I don't know and I don't care. I'd love it to be both the blog AND something else. I'm not saying I'm going to be blogging every day or anything like that - I'm making no promises to myself or to the blog. There are very distinct priorities in my life: baby, family, work. Everything else is icing on the cake. But I wanted to put it down that this is what I miss. This is what I want. Somehow, some time, I'm going to make it all work.

I still miss being pregnant (a little bit) and it's very weird connecting the baby that was inside me to the beautiful girl in my arms right now. She's growing so fast. Too fast, sometimes. In the next couple of weeks we'll be introducing her first solid foods. It's all incredibly bittersweet for me - each new step gets her closer and closer to being on her own, out in this messed up world of ours. I hope your daddy and I make the best decisions we can for you, my love. We love you more than we ever could have known.

Here's to your families - whatever shapes and sizes they come in - and here's hoping you all have a fantastic Monday.

L, C