Laugh Riot! from January One on Vimeo.

I'm in a sharing mood, so I've also posted some new Meli pictures after the jump. They're outtakes from our unsuccessful holiday card shoot. I took a million pictures and wasn't truly happy with any of them. These aren't bad though - just not card worthy. Thanks for looking.

Hope you're having a great weekend and feeling fantastic!
L, C

Posted by Cara at 12:23 AM | Comments (14)

December 20, 2008

The Russians Are Coming

It's 5:16AM and I've been up since about 4. I thought that instead of lying in bed listening to my husband and daughter breathe/snore, I'd get up and do some work. But the printer is LOUD when the house is so quiet and I should really just go back to sleep.

Last night I was up at this time with the baby - she had her first real fever. Not fun. But thank god for Tylenol and she was fever free all day yesterday. Oh and she has two teeth. I have the bite marks to prove it. You can't see them yet but man are those little suckers sharp!

Is anyone else being inundated with Russian Comment Spam? It seems no matter when I post these days, I get more comments in Russian than anything else. I'm sure it's because I haven't updated my Movable Type in like forever but it's so annoying. They don't get caught by my spam filter so I have to go in and manually move them to junk. I can't be the only one? Right?

Posted by Cara at 05:16 AM | Comments (11)

December 18, 2008

Still alive, but just barely

I can't believe it's been almost a month since I last posted. That's ridiculous. Life has been kicking my ass, but we're hanging in there. I've been at my sister's for the past two long weekends, and when I've been home, I've been literally pulling all-nighters in order to get the work done. I have some packages to get out and one more card to do and then I'm done for the year! I'm grateful for the work, don't get me wrong, but it sucks that most of it gets condensed into a six week period.

Meli turned nine months old while we were away and she's doing all sorts of fun stuff. She talks nonstop, pulls up on everything (especially her mama) and is FINALLY cutting two teeth. Of course, she also has a cold at the moment so we're talking copious amounts of snot, drool and tears. Poor baby girl! She's absolutely miserable, which is so unlike her.

Here she is at a happier time!

At my sister's, we celebrated Hanukkah early as they're away for the real Hanukkah and Meli had lots of fun with her cousins!

Of course, when it came to opening presents, she was way more interested in eating them than opening them!

Her cousins gave her a new doll that she liked very much!

I know I'm biased, but she's too cute!

I've had lots of fantasies about what I'm going to do with my self when I'm back to being unemployed (things get VERY slow in the winter.) Besides clean, organize and babyproof my house (ah, what delightful fantasies!) I've been dreaming of knitting again (REALLY!!!) and blogging again. I probably shouldn't say this, but I've been seriously considering trying to blog every week day for the month of January. I really miss having something to say and someplace to say it and just thinking about things. My mind feels so blank. Probably because I'm exhausted, but I think blogging may just jump start my brain again. We'll see how I feel in the next week or two. I have a birthday coming up as well (DUH) let's just say Good Ol' Jack Benny and I will finally have something in common. Well, if he wasn't dead, of course.

I hope you're all doing really, really well and I hope to see you very soon!

PS - All photos courtesy of my sister. I tried to take pictures of Meli for our holiday card yesterday and they all came out crap. I guess I've used my good camera mojo for the year. Wasted it all on clients. ;-)

Posted by Cara at 06:13 PM | Comments (16)

November 25, 2008

Movin' and Groovin'

Things are still pretty much status quo over here. The baby's still nursing a lot and I'm still working a lot. My mom's here for a couple days to help out with baby wrangling so I can work and G and I even had dinner out tonight. Together. Alone. Sans bebe. Nice.

Thank you all so much for your comments and suggestions. It's helpful to know others have gone before and survived. Meli is teething. I guess. She doesn't have any teeth and I'm convinced we're going to go to her nine month checkup with no teeth. But they definitely hurt her at times. She's also on the verge of extreme movement. For now she bounces up and down while sitting and moves around like that and she's started pulling up on everything, well, mostly me, but still she's pulling up. Maybe both her teeth and the moving have to do with her wanting to nurse and giving up the paci. Who knows. She's not leaving our bed anytime soon because we all really love having her there and ultimately it's what's working for us.

Today I received a package of yarn. Purple tweedy yarn. Beautiful soft yarn that's wool with a touch of silk. It might just be the most gorgeous yarn I've ever seen. I promise to take a picture of it soon. I'll be swatching ASAP. The thing I miss most about life pre baby is knitting. Definitely the knitting. Oh to hold those two sticks again and the gorgeous gorgeous yarn.

I'm going to dream about this yarn. In between the nursing.

Posted by Cara at 12:57 AM | Comments (14)

November 05, 2008

A Brand New Day

The relief I feel this morning is palpable.

My "come to Obama" moment came fairly late in this election. I voted for Hillary Clinton in the primary and wasn't going to give in to all the hype surrounding Obama. My sister, who at 26 is in a very different stage of her life than me, was all about the ideology of the election. "Things are changing! Even if we lose, look at all the young people who have mobilized because of him." But I was very, very afraid. For me, this attitude change wasn't enough. We needed to WIN at all costs. This country has been so severely damaged in the last eight years that it might not be fixed in my lifetime. I wondered why the democrats couldn't just put up an easy win. What were our choices? A polarizing woman who had dynasty written all over her, regardless of her intelligence and readiness for the job and a fairly inexperienced man of color. Were they kidding?!?

I didn't just vote for Obama because the other choice was not an option (and in my opinion, offensive on many, many levels), but because I came to respect his intelligence, his pragmatism and his thoughtfulness. He ran an admirable campaign - especially in this day and age. And the idea that we would have a leader who was (FINALLY!) smarter than me - well - that was just the icing on the cake.

Still, though, I was very scared. This election, while historical and significant for our country and the world, is historical and significant for me on a whole other level. This election, I voted as a mother. As a parent, I'm making decisions that will affect my daughter's life on a daily basis. I will never forget the day I voted in the primary - I was pregnant and the whole walk over to the polling center I talked to my baby. I told that baby that we were going to vote in an historic election. That we were going to choose a woman to possibly lead our country. But I also told my baby that there was a man of color on the ballot and the fact that I had to choose between a woman and a man of color was the hardest and best possible choice to make. Everything they had ever told me in my life might possibly be true.

In the end, I didn't vote for me or my country. I voted for my daughter. I elected a president that can change the trajectory of her path in this world, the vision she has of our country, her own self-esteem. I elected a president that truly shows her - not just with platitudes, but with action - THAT ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE.

Thank you America. Thank you for helping me make all things possible for my daughter. Thank you.

Posted by Cara at 08:02 AM | Comments (46)

November 04, 2008

VOTE, you must!

We don't care who you vote for (well, actually, we care very, very much - but it's still more important that you actually VOTE!)

JUST DO IT! GO! VOTE!

Posted by Cara at 08:13 AM | Comments (32)

October 24, 2008

Like olden times....

We came home from a lovely Rhinebeck weekend to find we had no Internet. It JUST came back on about an hour. My week was at times relaxing and crazy with work piling up like a sonabitch, but lots of fun times with Meli, who, incidentally, had a fantastic time at the festival.

Stolen from Annie's Flickr Set. Thank you!

She's been saying BAAAA all week.

I wonder why? ;-)

See a lovely Rhinebeck family portrait here. (Thanks Annie!)

Posted by Cara at 02:56 PM | Comments (21)

October 17, 2008

Rhinebeck Friday Randomness

Let's catch up, shall we?

-- The other night I was so pissed off watching the last debate I made my first ever contribution to a political campaign. Then I spent the next day looking for my wallet, which I had conveniently left next the computer when I was so pissed off. I blame the other guy.

-- I'm waiting for this bag! Hopefully it will come today. I'm excited because I think it will make a fabulous diaper bag, hopefully with some room for knitting.

-- No Rhinebeck sweater this year. I'm bringing my Oblique and my Central Park Hoodie and lots of socks. And today will be spent trying on all the fabulous knitted gifts Meli received. Thank god other people knit for her!

-- While this year will be a bit bittersweet, I'm so looking forward to this weekend! Say hi if you see us!

Have a fantastic weekend whatever your plans!

Posted by Cara at 10:18 AM | Comments (15)

October 03, 2008

I'm %$@*! SICK!

I did it! I ran myself ragged and now I've got a bad cold and I feel like complete crap. I've still got to get my work done, and of course, take care of the baby and tomorrow I leave for ANOTHER week away. If I can make it through the next week I should survive. I hope.

This being sick with a baby? Really freaking hard. It's like she knows what's up and has picked today, the day I feel like hell, to be all clingy and whiney. My love.

Think well thoughts for me.

Posted by Cara at 08:58 AM | Comments (22)

September 12, 2008

Flying

Believe it or not (and I don't know how you could because I hardly can!) my baby girl turned six months old yesterday. Six months. Half a year. I never knew time could go by so quickly. It's kind of sad that the universe's ultimate irony is that the time you'd like to go in slow motion whizzes by while the time you want to go fast (like waiting to find out if your husband's body is clear of cancer) drags on interminably.

I don't want to be all melancholy at my daughter's progress, because her growing up and learning new things is very definitely progress, but milestones make me reflect and a six month birthday seems like a really big milestone. She's doing so many more things - she can sit up for a decently long time now, she rolls over both ways (belly to back and the much harder back to belly), she grabs everything in sight, she babbles all the time ("Meli, what does a sheep say?" "Ba ba ba!" "HOW DOES SHE KNOW THAT?" said my five year old niece. My sister and I laughed our asses off at our very lucky timing! My baby's a GENIUS!), she smiles and sort of laughs (never again repeating the belly laughs of a month ago), she's just an absolute joy! She's also much harder to care fo, staying awake for longer and longer periods during the day and demanding constant entertainment when she is awake. She gets bored really easily. And man can she get angry! Add to all of this my increasingly busy work schedule and I'm tired.

Really, really tired.

More tired than I ever was when she was first born.

It's okay though and I'm not here to complain because even the moments I hate I love and being a mother has brought me more satisfaction and contentment in the last six months than anything I've ever done.

I'll tell you why I'm here: I'm here to write. We're still walking as much as we can (today we're going for five days in a row) and increasingly my mind wanders on my walks and I find myself writing. I've missed the blog so much lately and I finally realize why! I miss the WRITING. When I was updating the blog on a fairly daily basis, every day I'd sit down and write. Maybe it was something silly, or pseudo-important, more often than not my catalyst was knitting (which I'm still doing - or was doing - ugh. I miss that too!) but it didn't matter how I got started, the end result was the same. I WROTE SOMETHING. Anything. And I understand now that it satisfied me in ways that motherhood, wifehood, friendhood, sisterhood, knitting-hood, can't ever really come close. It's a different kind of satisfaction, and not something I can fully explain.

Long ago, in another lifetime it seems, I was in school for creative writing. Fiction to be exact. This adventure with the written word was truly the culmination of a lifelong dream. I always wanted to write. Always. It's what I'm best at, really. It's the hardest thing ever (next to motherhood - I can say that now with a little bit of authority) and just about the most satisfying when done right. I was lucky enough in my short career to have my work published and recognized and then I started trying to get pregnant and it was like all my creative energies went towards procreating instead of writing. I didn't have any room left in my heart or my head to keep writing fiction (every character was trying to get pregnant. Talk about a rut.) I started the blog right after our failed IVF attempt and it saved me. Knitting saved me. Writing about knitting saved me. And then I found my blog voice. I so enjoyed it! I think I was funny - maybe even a little insightful - and people started reading the blog - lots of people and that just made the whole thing all the more fun! (I don't care who you are - writers may write for themselves, but they all want to be read.)

Anyway, this is all just diarrhea of the word and the brain and I feel like this post has been coming for a very long time. I want to write again. On a regular basis. Whether it's the blog or something else, I don't know and I don't care. I'd love it to be both the blog AND something else. I'm not saying I'm going to be blogging every day or anything like that - I'm making no promises to myself or to the blog. There are very distinct priorities in my life: baby, family, work. Everything else is icing on the cake. But I wanted to put it down that this is what I miss. This is what I want. Somehow, some time, I'm going to make it all work.

Posted by Cara at 11:31 AM | Comments (23)

September 01, 2008

Family

Last year on Labor Day I let you all know I was pregnant. This year? Well, this year we're just lazing at home, having a grand old day with our baby girl.

I still miss being pregnant (a little bit) and it's very weird connecting the baby that was inside me to the beautiful girl in my arms right now. She's growing so fast. Too fast, sometimes. In the next couple of weeks we'll be introducing her first solid foods. It's all incredibly bittersweet for me - each new step gets her closer and closer to being on her own, out in this messed up world of ours. I hope your daddy and I make the best decisions we can for you, my love. We love you more than we ever could have known.

Here's to your families - whatever shapes and sizes they come in - and here's hoping you all have a fantastic Monday.

L, C

Posted by Cara at 07:48 PM | Comments (35)

August 21, 2008

Command Center

Things are absolutely crazy around here! I'm back to work full steam and I'm finding it hard to juggle work and baby. When I'm working I want to be with Meli and when I'm goofing off with Meli I'm worried about all my work. I'm sure lots of you moms know my dilemma.

We bought Meli a new toy the other day - an exersaucer thingie. She even test drove a bunch in the store and this one seemed to be her favorite. While I was trying to do some work today, I moved the toy into the office. But she was so funny I videotaped her instead of working. Oh well!

I'm moving right along on a knitting project that I'm really enjoying. I want so bad to tell you about it, but I can't seem to find the time to take pictures of it and really get down to blogging the project. In the meantime, I knit on it when I can and write blog posts in my head.

We're heading into Fall and I couldn't be more delighted, although with two family weddings and lots of jobs lined up I'm very overwhelmed. Weekends are booked straight through to November. I wish I was kidding.

See you all soon I hope! Thanks for reading!
L, C

Posted by Cara at 05:18 PM | Comments (22)

August 06, 2008

Poopity Poop Poop

I've discovered the secret of successful blogging: If you talk about poop - people come out of the woodwork. Seriously.

Thank you all for sharing your remedies and experiences. I had a good laugh. We did get poop. And then we watched for poop again. And then we got poop. I'm thinking this is how things go with a five month old. (Almost! Next week! Can you STAND it?)

Meli was very accommodating, as always, and didn't poop at the doctor's office. She didn't leave the poop for her aunt either. She pooped very unassumingly at home, with her mama by her side, in the afternoon before her daddy and mommy left on their first date since she's been born.

I heard the poop coming and went to change her diaper. When I opened it, I was surprised at how little poop there was, considering how long I had been waiting. Ha ha ha. Kids love to play tricks! It only SEEMED like a little bit of poop because the poop princess wasn't done. Nope. As I was cleaning her up she started pooping again. And again. And again. Just when I thought she might be done she just kept on pooping. It got so I was switching out diapers under her so she could fill them up again! It was all actually quite efficient and no outfits were ruined.

We've since switched to the next size diaper. I'm expecting more poop at any time now.

Our date was WONDERFUL! We left the baby with my sister-in-law and things were good - no tears - that includes the baby and ME. Although I did make the rookie mistake of calling home once we got to the stadium. Yup. Meli was screaming in the background. But Aunt Katina is a seasoned pro so she was soon texting me that Meli had a bit of a bottle and had fallen asleep.

The concert was INCREDIBLE. (Scroll down to July 31.) Possibly the best we've ever seen and it certainly made up for the crap concert we saw last November. The joy lasted over 3 hours and I think I may have taken a cat nap somewhere in the middle. Because of a bad accident on the turnpike right at the exit for the stadium, the concert started over an hour late and didn't end until close to 1AM. I can't thank my sister-in-law enough for sticking it out. We needed that night out and MAN did we get our money's worth!

Of course the baby was up really early the next morning and no matter how much we nursed, she wouldn't go back to sleep. Which is totally unlike her. Until she started to poop AGAIN. I can't tell you how fast I jumped out of bed to change her. I was so freaking exhausted too. Thankfully as soon as she was done we climbed back into bed and slept for another couple hours. I'm still recovering.

Tonight we're trying the babysitting thing again. My sister's coming over so we can go out to dinner to one of our favorite restaurants. We haven't been there since before I got pregnant so it's been awhile. I can't wait. I'm going to have a glass of wine and good steak and stare at my sexy husband across the table. Did I mention? It's our anniversary today. Seven years. Although that number feels so bogus because we've been living together for SEVENTEEN years. And that first August 6, the original, the best in many respects, well, that was EIGHTEEN years ago. I can't believe it. He's still my best friend. Still the love of my life. Add to that the father of my daughter and I'm just the luckiest girl alive.

May 2008
The courthouse in VT where we got married.
Only this time we took the baby with us.

Posted by Cara at 02:15 PM | Comments (31)

July 30, 2008

Poop Watch 2008

For those of you who hated me talking about vomit while I was pregnant, you might want to skip this post. It's about poop.

My baby, exclusively breast fed (which I say with great pride, although I feel guilty when I say it. I know plenty of women who tried desperately to breast feed and did everything right and it just didn't work out. There before the grace of the mammary gods go I.), used to poop at least once, sometimes twice at every feeding. Once her digestive system began to mature she moved to a once a day kind of poopy girl. Then, every other day. Every other day caused me some stress because I never knew when that poop was coming and it wasn't really a poop it was more like a LAKE of poop. I didn't want to dress her in one of her super cute outfits if I knew the poop was coming. You know what I mean? Although I've been VERY successful in getting poop out of clothes. (My secret: rinse out RIGHT away and then spray with Zout. Wash whenever.)

So now it's been like THREE days. NO POOP. Plenty of pee and absolutely disgusting farts (what am I eating?!?! I don't fart like that!) and I'm on edge every time I hear some rumblings down there. Just poop already baby girl! Mommy can't take the stress! (I know that it's perfectly normal for breast fed babies to go awhile without poop. She's peeing fine and is in her usual great mood, so I'm not worried about her health. Just that I'm going to drown in all the poop when it finally comes.)

I know the poop's coming though because today I have to take her into the dr for some shots and you just know that she'll poop all over the doctor's office. For sure.

I bought a new pump too and I've been trying to pump because Meli's daddy and I have a VERY special date Thursday night.

There's so much to talk about - I started yet another new project, but this one's going to stick. There was too much prep involved for it not to work. And I worked my first job since Meli's been born and everything was good, sort of, but it's done and I'm glad to have that under my belt. And we were gone for eight nights and I've never been so happy to sleep in my own bed. No matter how many people are sleeping in it.

Missed you all. Be back soon. Pray for poop.

Posted by Cara at 10:09 AM | Comments (73)

July 18, 2008

Crazed and Confused

Hey all! I didn't mean to go a week without posting, but that's life. This week has been a doozy. Monday I blew out a tire just as I was entering the Lincoln Tunnel (on the NJ side.) I guess you could say I was lucky because I was one of five cars to lose at least one tire (thank god I didn't lose TWO like the people in front of me who had to wait for a tow truck) and GREG, Port Authority Worker Extraordinaire was on a roll changing tires. He changed mine lickety split, wouldn't take a tip, and MAN was he easy on the eyes!!! (Looked a bit like G actually - just my type!) So skilled was Greg that the baby didn't even wake up.

Tuesday I did a last minute photo shoot for a 2 week old baby girl. I can't even remember Meli that new anymore. Isn't that so sad? Then I went and had my hair cut and colored. It was desperately needed as I hadn't had it colored since about two weeks before Meli was born. Whew! G was on and he did GREAT! Sent me a picture of the baby sleeping away while I was halfway through my appointment.

First thing Wednesday we had Meli's four month check up. For those keeping score, she was 13.8 lbs and 24.75 inches. I thought it was pretty funny that she was 10.8 at 2 months, 12 at 3 months and 13.8 at 4 months. Guess she's a 1.5 lb a month kind of girl! The doctor said she's perfect. Like we didn't know that. ;-) Then we went and sat at the car place. Needed a new tire after Monday.

Thursday we had lunch with some out of town friends in the city and I also made up the appointment I missed on Monday because of the tire.

MAN am I tired! I've been doing badly with the sleep thing too. Meli is generally out for the night by around 10PM and then she sleeps for about six hours. If I was smart, I'd be going to sleep then too, but lately I've been reading a book I read about on Terry's blog: The Devil in the White City. I'm really liking the book which is weird for me because I never read non-fiction. I'm really a fiction kind of girl, but this book has really pulled me in. It's about the World's Fair in Chicago and what went into building it, the city at the time, and the parallel lives of the architects of the Fair and a serial killer on the loose in Chi-town. Anyway, it's keeping me up at night. I nurse Meli to sleep and then I read. It's great fun but I'm exhausted.

And in between all of these things I knit what felt like eighty million swatches for (yet another!) new project. FINALLY I've settled on a yarn and now I just have to wait for the colorway I want to arrive. I'm SO super excited about this project - it has everything I've grown to love about knitting in it, and I just want to start NOW. I'm proud that I've been diligent, though, in making sure everything is just right. I hope to talk about it soon.

It probably won't be another week until I post again. We're going on a bit of a vacation tomorrow until mid-week and then I'm at my sister's through the weekend. God I wish I had that yarn! Have a wonderful weekend!

Posted by Cara at 04:45 PM | Comments (19)

July 06, 2008

One Year

One year ago today I asked you all for some good wishes. I didn't tell you why - I couldn't. I wasn't ready. I had to do this on my own. Well, not entirely on my own, but mostly on my own.

Last year, on this day, two embryos were thawed and transfered into my uterus.

To say it was difficult getting to that day - getting successfully THROUGH that day - is a tremendous understatement. It's only now, in hindsight, that I realize how depressed and sometimes desperate I was in my struggle to get pregnant. And most of it was mental and emotional. The physical issues preventing us from getting pregnant on our own were relatively easily fixed by IVF. I think I always knew that once we did the procedure, we'd get pregnant so maybe that's why I panicked so badly 3.5 years ago. We panicked. It's true, we panicked together. Neither one of us was ready at that moment, but I've always felt responsible.

Afterward, I kept myself busy. Told myself it was the right thing to do. I started this blog. Tried to escape how badly I felt.

I once had a dream about those frozen embryos. A letter came to me in the mail. With a picture of an embryo attached to it. "When are you going to come claim your children?" The letter seemed to scream at me. It gave an update on the "kids" like you'd get from one of those orphan children organizations. "Here is your frozen embryo. It's doing well, but it needs you." This particular embryo was named Ida. The doctor from the clinic had sent it.

Already I was a terrible mother.

For months (years?) I walked around ready to burst into tears, but at the time I'm not sure I would've completely connected it to the lack of a baby. Guilt is an awful lot to bear.

When I finally admitted to myself that I wanted a baby more than anything, it was like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I set a course of action - which for me meant lots of psychiatric help - whether or not it was truly warranted - and I built myself a support system that wouldn't allow me to fail.

I say I I I, but it was always we. Georgie was and always has been and continues to be my greatest support. While it was always our decision, together, to have a child, it was still me who physically and mentally had to be the most ready.

That day last year was bright and sunny and I was scared to death but I was also very excited. There was no turning back. My own personal independence day. In my heart I know that July 6, 2007 was one of my greatest triumphs ever and I can't believe it's been a year. What a wonderful, awesome, gorgeous, lovely year.

Posted by Cara at 02:06 PM | Comments (41)

July 04, 2008

Family

Happy 4th! Happy Friday!

Posted by Cara at 01:25 PM | Comments (11)

July 02, 2008

Follow Up

I should so be sleeping - firstly I'm a new mom and I should always be sleeping when my baby is sleeping. Secondly, we spent the day at the beach and we're all exhausted. But I feel like I need to get this post out and late at night might be my only time to do it.

To start, I want to thank everyone that left such thought provoking and generous comments. I promise I wasn't trying to be provocative, I was just elaborating on an off hand comment I wrote the other day. I've read all your comments and have taken them to heart. Here's what I'm thinking:

EVOLUTION: I think you're absolutely right - blogs evolve. They have never and probably will never be any kind of static platform. Just as we evolve as humans (we hope), how we communicate will most likely evolve. I used words like suffer and death and I think they are appropriate in all kinds of evolution. Things change - something gives, something dies. I'm beginning to think that my lamentations on knitblogs, per se, has a lot more to do with me and my life than the actual state of knitblogging. My life has changed so much over the past year - immeasurably so - that it's only natural that I'd want some things to stay the same. My blog changed, and it seems everyone else's changed too and I miss how things were. I guess I'm still grieving for the blogger I once was; I was always very proud to be carry the label knitblogger, then someone called me a mommy blog the other day and honestly I cringed. I'm not ready to change my moniker. I've got almost 300 feeds on my bloglines list and maybe 50 are something other than knitting blogs. I suffered from infertility, yet I have maybe one or two infertility blogs on my list - and that's because they were both knitters. I have a couple mommy-ish blogs - but really they're about products - not people. When I found knitting blogs I found my home. Now I sort of feel adrift at sea. Melodramatic, perhaps, but it's how I feel. And I fully believe you should feel what you feel.

RAVELRY, et al: I'm (one of) the biggest Ravelry hypocrites out there. I have no problem browsing for patterns or checking out what yarns people have used for a particular pattern for WAY too long, but I haven't updated my projects on there after the my first initial posts. So I'm using the database, but not contributing too it. Honestly, the minute I heard about Ravelry I took the position of Chicken Little. And when I heard there would be forums? Ugh. I've spent my share of Internet time on forums and honestly I've seen nothing good come of it. In fact, I've seen a lot of ugliness. But there's no denying that change is good and welcome and inevitable. I've benefited from Ravelry just like the next knitter or crocheter or spinner. I just can't be a contributer - it's not for me. Same goes with Flickr. I never had a Flickr account until I started my Ravelry account and that's not for me either. Photography is a HUGE part of my life, but it's also a job for me and something just doesn't feel right about my pictures on Flickr. I'm sure this is an ignorant bias on my part that someone will surely point out, but again. It's not for me. Same thing with a lot of these other internet tools. The fact is I'm a blogger. It suits me very well. I love to write and I love to take the pictures I need to take and I like having the control to do what I want with my words and photographs. The fact that I have an audience makes it all that much better, but I've realized these last few months that I'd be here regardless.

The bottom line is I've allowed myself tremendous growth in so many areas of my life, that now I'm going to feel free to let my blog grow. From now on I'm going to disavow any and all labels - I'm no longer a knit blogger or a mommy blogger or a photo blog or an infertility blog. This blog is me. All the parts of me. For better or worse.

Thank you all, again, as always, for coming along for the ride.

Posted by Cara at 01:09 AM | Comments (43)

June 26, 2008

Bathing Beauty

Well, we survived Florida!

Again with the firsts! Meli was the consummate traveler, which made her travel loving father very very proud and her crazy mama very very grateful. First and foremost, I flew drug free. I can't tell you how HUGE this was for me. I took every precaution though - lots of pumped milk (which I proudly threw away when we got home - it was totally bad by then!) and a new Xanax prescription - none of which was needed. The flight down Sunday was delayed by weather - and when I say delayed I mean we were next for take off when an incredible storm came through. We were literally on the plane, on the runway, when golf ball size hail started falling all around us with 60 mile an hr wind shears and super lightning. I'm not kidding. It was a freaking monsoon. Then we saw the most gorgeous rainbow ever and took off. Craziness. Here we are on the very uneventful flight home:

I swear, my head's not that small and my arms aren't that big.

We flew Jet Blue and since my daughter is a bona fide couch potato, she either did this:

Or this:

I gotta say, if I'm not flying first class, Jet Blue is the best. They're all extremely conscious of the runway debacle last year when people sat for 8 hrs so you are guaranteed not to be sitting on the plane more than three now. And all they do is apologize for the delays and come on all the time to update you. And there's tv. Lots of tv. Which makes me feel like I'm sitting in my living room - at least sort of - and not like I'm stuck on an airplane. It was a very nice experience.

Florida was HOT. Stifling. Unbearable. But the baby definitely enjoyed the pool.

Meli is usually pretty good when she takes a bath, and the pool was no different. She was quite calm in the water. Besides the pool, we went for a quick dip in the Gulf of Mexico (water temp: 89 degrees F - my kind of water temp.) We can't wait until she's old enough to really enjoy the water. Both her dad and I love to swim.

She was quite the Kool Kat by the pool!

We went to Florida for a birthday party for a friend who hasn't been feeling so well, and while we were there Baby Meli got to meet Big Meli! And she took a few pictures for us!

All in all it was a very successful visit. Incredibly stressful, but successful. I'm so glad to be home. But that doesn't mean things will be quieting down anytime soon. Next week is my sister's annual 4th of July visit with her kids which can only mean there will be much fun and everything will be crazy hectic!

I hope to pop in before then. While the death of blogs - or at least knitting blogs - seems to be on everyone's mind these days - I still love mine and intend to keep it going. I hope you'll stay for the ride!

Thank you!
L, C

Posted by Cara at 03:09 PM | Comments (38)

June 21, 2008

The Exact Opposite of Relaxing

Earlier this week I wrote that my one wish for this weekend was to relax. Not go anywhere. You know - stay home and veg with my guy and my gal. Alas, it is not to be.

Tomorrow we are going to Florida. Yes. We're getting on a plane with our baby and heading south.

We'll only be gone a couple of days - we fly back Tuesday - and our reasons for going are both good and bad (everyone's okay.)

Like I said. The exact opposite of relaxing.

If I make it through the flight without popping a Xanax I may actually be cured. With all of these phobias dropping like flies, Annie says I will have completely lost my edge and be yet another suburban mom driving a station wagon wearing mom jeans.

So I made sure I scored a few Xanax from the doctor. I mean, carrying around narcotics in the diaper bag definitely makes me edgy. Wouldn't you say?

Wish us luck. Maybe you can relax for me.

Posted by Cara at 11:07 PM | Comments (15)

June 18, 2008

Three Months, One Week

For the past few days I've been writing a post in my head. It was all about how I've been restless lately - maybe even a little bored. Meli is such a dream to take care of and don't get me wrong I'm loving every poopy diaper and every late night feeding, but I still am having a hard time carving out some time in the day to do stuff. Nothing fancy - just stuff that doesn't involve holding a baby. I miss knitting. I miss blogging. I miss having a creative life outside of Mommy-ness. I think it's worse because she is so easy. It was going to be one of those posts, so be glad it's most likely not going to happen.

Of course, then, yesterday she actually took a nap in her swing and I was able to clean up a bit and we had a fabulous photoshoot and I was even able to process the photographs.

Meli is doing great! She had her three month appointment the other day and she's now 12 lbs, 24 inches which puts her right smack in the middle of the charts. Fifty percent across the board. And yet she seems so big to us. She's doing so many things - talking all the time. She can lift her head wonderfully:

Although tummy time still ends like this:

We're still taking our long walks most days and usually she sleeps, but she's also become incredibly fascinated with these two little toys attached to her car seat. She can stare at them one - going back and forth between the two - for an amazingly long time (for a three month old!) and she gets so animated, talking to them and kicking her feet. She loves to kick!

I've been trying to get her on video but every time we turn on the camera she clams up. Seriously. She'll be talking and laughing and on goes the camera and nothing. Turn it off and she turns it on again. Little stinker!

One thing she does that I just love is wring her hands. I've been calling her an old washerwoman - you know - wringing her hands - woe is me. My kids never call. The sky is falling. But then a few people actually said it looks like she's knitting! And these were strangers who don't know me at all! What do you think?

Maybe it's too hard to tell from pictures. I'll try to get some video - if Meli will cooperate. Another thing she just loves to do is chew on her fingers. She's been putting her fingers to her mouth since she was born, but now she can actually get them inside. Occasionally you can hear her slurping away on her fingers. She seems to prefer them over her thumb. But not really in any consistent way. She's still a paci girl.

Now that she's entered the Golden Age of Babyhood (all smiles, more sleep, still not mobile) I'm going to try hard to put her down more. She never liked the sling very much and she's good in the Baby Bjorn for a limited amount of time now that I can turn her out, but it's still awkward for me. I also think some of my crabbiness has come from being out too much. We were in Philadelphia three weekends in a row. (Twice Meli and I drove by ourselves! Cross another milestone off the list!) I'm so looking forward to doing NOTHING this weekend. Maybe some pool time. Maybe some knitting. I still haven't been able to seam those sleeves on her little sweater. Even if we just sit around as a family. That would be enough.

I leave you with more pictures of my girl. Thanks, as always, for indulging us. We so appreciate it!

Posted by Cara at 08:58 AM | Comments (67)

June 07, 2008

All is well!

Just crazy crazy crazy! In a good way! Today I was able to get about an hour to myself for a pedicure and everyone survived! YAY!!!!!

Tomorrow the baby and I are off to my sister's for a fantastic flip-flop themed five year old's birthday party and we're going to stay for a couple of days.

Meli is doing so well I can hardly stand it! She's talking all the time, well, babbling, but the two of us have very deep conversations by making gurgling sounds. We stare into each other's eyes and discuss everything under the sun. Have I mentioned my daughter is a genius? And she holds her head up so, so well. She's kicking and squirming and on Wednesday she'll be three months old. Can you believe it?!? I can't wait to see how much she weighs and how tall she is at her appt next week. My honey girl! She's INCREDIBLE!

I've haven't seamed her little sweater yet because I figured out that I can successfully knit with a baby in my lap - I've already started two more projects - a sock and a new sweater for her - but I can't quite sew a seam. Especially sleeves I have to maneuver into an opening. Also, I lost knitting. It kills me to write that but it's true. I can't find two projects - most likely they are together - anywhere. The last time I saw them was at the hospital when Meli was born and I'm 99.999% sure they came home with me, but now? Now they've disappeared. I can barely talk about it, it makes me so sad.

But everything else is great. I will be back with better posts next week! PROMISE!

Posted by Cara at 10:27 PM | Comments (13)

May 29, 2008

Aunt Syd

Don't everyone plotz all at once. Yes. I am indeed posting two days in a row. I'm hoping to make this blogging thing a habit again. It's too good not too.

This is my Aunt Syd:

Really she's my paternal grandmother's first cousin, but I've always known her as Aunt Syd. Her real name is Sarah (maiden name Guggenheim. Unfortunately no relationship to the rich ones.) and I think the story is when she married her second husband she changed her name to Sydney. His name was ALSO Sidney. So they were always Aunt Syd and Uncle Sid.

I remember Uncle Sid as kind of curmudgeonly, but I didn't know him very well. Aunt Syd, on the other hand, is one of the nicest, sweetest, most loving people you will ever meet. Dead honest, but not a mean bone in her body. She's a teaser too. Somehow my mom and her got pretty close, and I did too I guess because I usually go with my mom when she goes to visit her in the Bronx, where she's lived all of her life. So yesterday my mom came up and Meli got to have another first - a birthday party for Aunt Syd, who turns 98 on Saturday!

Aunt Syd can't see very well and she can't hear very well and she told us over and over again how old she'll be on Saturday and how she doesn't understand how she got to be this old! She never imagined it would happen! But she's still got all of her faculties. And she just LOVED the baby!

I remember having lunch with her one year and she was telling us a lot of family stories, which I just love to hear by the way, and she was saying how she was her parents' first born and that her mother had many many miscarriages after her. Like maybe some astronomical number - 15? Something awful like that. She thought probably there was an RH Negative factor that was causing all the losses, but for what it's worth she was an only child. Which is why she was so close to my grandmother and my aunts, but especially my Aunt Syl.

Aunt Syl and Aunt Syd were very close in age and Aunt Syd never had children (her first husband died young and I don't know how old she was when she married Uncle Sid) and my Aunt Syl never had children either - she married my Uncle Al pretty late, so I'm sure the two couples spent a lot of time together. (Although honestly, I can't see how my Uncle Al and Uncle Sid got along - two different people you will never meet! But my Uncle Al was sweet as can be too, so maybe that's how.) I miss my Aunt Syl very much. She died when I was 19. We used to celebrate Christmas and Easter at their house in Pennsauken, NJ because my Uncle Al wasn't Jewish and whenever we left she always gave us a little bag of treats for the car ride home. And you could always count on Aunt Syl having Canfield's Diet Chocolate Soda. Thank god for my Uncle Al because he had cable tv! The first time I ever saw MTV was at their house!

Anyway, I named Meli after my Aunt Syl. Her middle name begins with S (although it's not Sylvia. I would've loved to have named her Sylvia - can't you just see a little girl running around in a flower dress with someone calling after, "Sylvie! Sylvie!" Yeah. Georgie couldn't see it either! But that's okay, I love our little girl's name.) And in Hebrew, I named her Sarah. Nothing formal, but I know that her Hebrew name is Sarah, as was my Aunt Syl's. And my Aunt Syd's. They're named after the same relative. So it was important for me that Meli meet Aunt Syd, and that my Aunt Syd know I named my daughter after her favorite cousin.

When we left Aunt Syd's apartment and were waiting for the elevator, I told my Meli that she had done a Mitzvah. The first, I hope, of many in her life.

Posted by Cara at 09:35 AM | Comments (34)

May 27, 2008

Firsts

Can I tell you how many blog posts I've written in my head lately? I miss it so much and it's not because of any sense of obligation - although I do feel that sometimes - it's more that I have a lot to say. I'm too tired to find the words and when I have them, I'm usually no where near a computer.

I've been thinking a lot about firsts lately. Sort of a no brainer now that I'm a first time mom. Everything Meli and I do together is a first - and truly everything she does is a first and she's the first born daughter of a first born daughter of a first born daughter. Kind of cool, no?

The last few weeks have been FULL of firsts for me and my girl:

-- We took our first train ride together! It was a big success and we even met another little girl on the train who was EXACTLY a year older than Meli. Seriously - same birthday. Isn't that a hoot? And everything about the ride went off without a hitch. Although watching the other little girl squirm around and want to run free told me we won't be taking the train once Meli's mobile. Too much trouble.

-- Meli thoroughly enjoyed her first sleepover with her cousins. It was a huge weekend for firsts - first time in Synagogue. First Bat Mitzvah. First time meeting some of her cousins. FIrst ballet recital (watching, not dancing, of course.) It was a really good weekend and I'm excited to spend time at my sister's more often. Now that I know we can sleep over successfully, I think we've got a lot of fun times ahead this summer.

Then we came home and it was even more firsts!

-- Meli made her first trip out to Long Island to visit her FAinLI. This trip was VERY significant in that I drove us out there - by myself. I know I've talked about my anxiety and panic on the blog before and one of the ways it's manifested itself in the past is that I hate to drive longish distances by myself - especially on highways. I've had bad panic attacks - so bad I've pulled over on the side of the road and waited for someone to come get me. Hence my love of trains. But since I got pregnant and Meli's been born, my anxiety and panic have really regressed. I still get anxious, but I don't have the time, energy or inclination to indulge it anymore. In a lot of ways, my past anxiety was a luxury. That's not to say I don't have a mental condition that predisposes me to anxiety and panic, it's just that I can harness all my skills to control it and my life is such that I'm able to control it better than ever. Which is just a really long way of saying I drove out to Ann's by myself and it was totally fine. I had my moments, but they quickly disappeared. The real REAL test will be if I can drive down to Philly on my own - and when I say on my own I mean with my most precious passenger.

It was quite an accomplishment for me, and also it was really natural. Something's changed since Meli was born. My psychiatrist thinks I'm cured - he says I'm the calmest he's ever seen me - and he's known me for fifteen years (which in Woody Allen years is a lifetime!) It's like I used up all the craziness trying to get pregnant and worrying about getting pregnant and what would happen once the baby was born and then I got pregnant and I stopped being so crazy. Crazy, huh?

Okay - what other firsts? It was Meli's first time around animals - dogs to be precise - and honestly - I don't think she noticed. No matter how cute those pugs are. She went to spinning guild and didn't seem all that interested in the spinning. Although I really miss it!

Then we came home and found out that three days later we were going on our first family ROAD TRIP! And getting a NEW CAR! We needed a new car once Meil was born because fitting the seat in the back necessitated us moving the position of the seats in the front - not a comfortable ride for G or me. And of course, the one car we wanted could only be found in Vermont. After two months of searching for the car, we didn't really want to wait for it to be trucked down and when the dealership told us we could drive one of their cars up to Vermont and switch it out with our car, we jumped.

The best part? Our trip took us right past Yarn Mecca. Literally! I told Georgie we just HAD to stop. So Meli and I took our first trip to WEBS!!! How cool is that? I emailed Kathy, one of the owners, before we went and she was so gracious taking us around the HUGE shop. When I tell you this is the biggest yarn store of all time - that's only scratching the surface. I know I didn't see all that was there - no way no how. Thank you Kathy for helping me out!! It was great to see you and I'm so glad we got a chance to stop in! Of course I bought stuff - I'll try to get pictures to show you - but don't count on it. (Sadly, I took no pictures, but Kathy has photographic proof of our visit on her blog. Thanks again Kathy!!) b

We ended up in Montpelier - hungry and exhausted. We made the trade and LOVE our new car!! The next day we decided to do a bit of reminiscing on our way home and stopped off to show our daughter where we got married.

Georgie and I were married almost seven years ago on the court house steps in Newfane, Vermont. It was just the two of us and our jp. Gotta love Vermont! No witnesses necessary and CHEAP! If you're ever looking for a place to elope - Vermont's got it all over on Vegas.

It was a beautiful, beautiful day. The sky was as blue as the day we were married, but it was much cooler. Just a wonderful memory and it was made even sweeter by our daughter.

I mentioned how much I love my new car, right? Here she is!

A Volkswagen Passat Station Wagon. In Mocha. I learned how to drive on a brown Impala station wagon so this is so much fun for me. The best part though is that G and I can sit in the front seat together (in the other car, with the car seat, one of us drove (obviously) and one of us had to sit in the back because of the way we had to adjust the seats to fit the baby seat.) Oh my god we were all like holding hands and stuff. So nice! And the back seat is HUGE! LOVE THIS CAR! Did I mention how fast it is too? Faster even than the fast car. LOVE IT!

Last but not least, on Memorial Day, my girl had her first dip in the pool!!

I guess she kind of liked it because she didn't complain at all and the water was FREEZING. Don't worry, it's not like she went for a swim or anything, we literally just dipped her toesies in and got them a little wet. Can you tell how big she is?

And how cute is her little bathing suit and matching sun hat?!?!?!

I ask you - is she not the cutest thing ever?!?!?! Don't you just want to eat her up?!?!

It's officially summer!

I've got another first coming soon - my first baby sweater for my girl. I've got one more tiny little sleeve and then I have to seam it together. I can't wait to tell you about this sweater and I promise PROMISE it won't be long before I'm back again.

Miss you. Love you.
C

Posted by Cara at 11:55 PM | Comments (48)

May 15, 2008

Sleepover!

Meli and I are heading out tomorrow for our first weekend away! We have a family event to attend on Saturday and will be staying with my sister for the weekend. To say Meli's cousins are excited is just about the understatement of the century. Me? I'm excited to bring my knitting! There will be lots of people wanting to hold my baby girl - free hands! YAY! (Cece is coming along slowly but surely. Maybe I'll have a progress picture next week.)

I'm not used to this whole baby traveling thing, so I'm a bit nervous. We're taking the train down and while usually I'm packing my bag three seconds before I leave, there's lots of stuff I need to take. Dresses for her, and me, and packing for two. Logistics have become high priority.

Anyway, I'm so tired and I haven't even started getting ready. Just wanted to pop in and let you know we're good since the Friday post won't be coming.

Have a great weekend everyone!
L, C & M

Posted by Cara at 08:42 PM | Comments (29)

May 09, 2008

If I'm blogging...

it must be Friday. Seems to be happening once a week and on the day that most people aren't reading anymore. Oh well. I write blog posts in my head all day long but I can never seem to make it to the computer.

Some things I've been thinking about:

-- Did I ever tell you that I woke up the first day in the hospital to find a dead ladybug in my bed? I found that to be a VERY auspicious beginning!

-- Also, during that first night, about 3AM, my daughter was crying and I was comforting her. I said, "It's okay sweet girl, Aunt Cara's here." Stopped myself dead in my tracks. I wasn't the aunt anymore, was I?

The other day I read this post of Norma's and this post of Wendy's and these ideas have been floating around in my brain. The other day on my walk (the new schedule is working out GREAT!) I made a mental list of what I am and what I've been.

I am a DAUGHTER. SISTER. AUNT.

LOVER. WIFE.

FRIEND.

I've been a STUDENT. LIBRARIAN. WRITER.

PHOTOGRAPHER.

Very recently I was a BLOGGER. And a KNITTER.

Now? Now I'm a MAMA.

One day I'll reconcile all those capital letters with the biggest capital of all but for now this is my life and I'm having a better time than I ever could've have anticipated. I miss all those capital letters, it's true, but lowercase suits me fine for now.

knitter. blogger. wife. friend. MAMA.

The photographs were taken last Friday and on Monday, Meli had her 8 wk appt and weighed 10 lbs, 8 oz! YAY Mommy Milk!

Posted by Cara at 09:22 AM | Comments (91)

February 12, 2008

Bright Spot!

Guess what?! We got some good news today! They won't be starting the construction on our apartment line until Sept 08!!!!!! WHOO HOO!!! They are, though, still going ahead with construction on the apartment line next door to us, so it's not like we'll have peace and quiet until September (who are we kidding? We'll have a BABY!) but it is the absolute best news in a bad situation! Sure, it will be VERY loud in the apartment, but hopefully not totally unbearably so. We have seriously been considering a hotel. I'm hoping the absolute worst of it will only be about a week or two and our bedroom is the farthest point from the drilling, so maybe, just maybe, we can stay at home! I'm not sure I can tell you what a tremendous relief this is.

Tonight is supposed to be our last childbirth class, but the weather is pretty crappy. I hope it doesn't get postponed because I'd really like to be done with it. Also, tomorrow we're going for a prenatal pediatrician appointment. When I called to make the appointment they asked me the baby's last name. Can I tell you? I totally hesitated! It's not that I don't know what the baby's last name will be but more like OH MY GOD THIS KID IS REAL WITH A LAST NAME AND EVERYTHING!! So exciting! And scary! And wonderful! All you parents out there: what's the one thing you wish you had asked your pediatrician that you never did? Just curious!

Thank you for all of your good wishes! I can't tell you how much we all (the three of us!) appreciate them!

Posted by Cara at 03:55 PM | Comments (69)

February 02, 2008

Third Annual Bloggers (Silent) Poetry Reading

The first year I posted a poem about infertility. This year things are different.

First Birth

I had thought so little, really, of her,
inside me, all the time, not breathing--
intelligent, maybe curious,
her eyes closed. When the vagina opened,
slowly, from within, from the top, my eyes
rounded in shock and awe, it was like being
entered for the first time, but entered
from the inside, the child coming in
from the other world. Enormous, stately,
she was pressed through the channel, she turned, and rose,
they held her up by a very small ankle,
she dangled indigo and scarlet, and spread
her arms out in this world. Each thing
I did, then, I did for the first
time, touched the flesh of our flesh,
brought the tiny mouth to my breast,
she drew the avalanche of milk
down off the mountain, I felt as if
I was nothing, no one, I was everything to her, I was hers.

Sharon Olds. The Wellspring, 1996

For more information about the Bloggers (Silent) Poetry Reading, celebrated each year on February 2, go here.

Posted by Cara at 09:21 AM | Comments (14)

February 01, 2008

Leap Year

I can't believe it's already fucking FEBRUARY! Thank god I have an extra day in this short month because, um, my baby will be born in MARCH. How is this possible?

I'm feeling pretty miserable these days - not that things have changed much - but I'm beginning to totally understand when women tell you that pregnancy is so uncomfortable at the end for a reason. So that you will BEG for the baby to come out! Right now fear and uncertainty still outweigh the discomfort but every day the scales tip a bit more. And I'm not even that big. Seriously - everyone tells me how small I am for how far along I am (which bothers me a little bit to be honest. Not sure why, but it does. I've suffered from belly envy the whole pregnancy) which I guess is a good thing - the bigger I am the more uncomfortable, right? At least I've slept well the last few nights. Sometimes I don't even get up to pee! YAY KEGELS!

Things are behind in the house, for a change, and now, as I've mentioned, they started drilling closer to my apartment. Right now they're on the 08 line and I'm on the 12 line - so two doors down. That's not so bad - I can kind of forget about it and they're not jackhammering all day long continuously, but Georgie left the apartment the other day and exited on the OTHER side of the building where they're doing work as well. He called me soon after and asked me to go look out the window to see what floor they were drilling on. I have a direct view and could see that they were drilling the balcony directly above my floor (they're repairing the outer walls and giving us new balconies - so they have to drill off the old ones.) It was the overhang on my apartment balcony (not MY apartment - but the same floor.) He kind of went crazy when I told him that because he said the noise, FROM THE HALLWAY (not even IN the apartment) was so horrific he thought his head was going to explode. He starts talking about hotels and where are we going to live and all I can think about is bringing home this baby to such horrible noise and trying to get used to breastfeeding and baby care and recuperating and I burst into tears. I can't think about these things! I don't want to live in a hotel! I want to be in my own home, where I'm most comfortable!

Of course, I called the management office for some kind of timetable (which I've been doing for months) and of course, they haven't called me back. We've lived in this building for 16 years and like all buildings, it's got it's issues. My apartment is still very nice and all that, I just hate to leave and god forbid anything goes wrong. We will be moving, eventually, but we can't find a house in the next six weeks and honestly I don't even want to and I'm trying VERY hard to not stress about all this. ETA: The Board in my building is utterly useless. Every election is another chance at backbiting and blame and it all gets quite nasty. There are over 500 apartments in my building - it's like a little city - so you can imagine the bureaucracy and power struggles. I can't wait to move!

So, of course, I turn to my knitting. Oh how I miss Oblique. There's nothing better than being in the middle of a project - especially a project that's going well. Every night or every time you sit down to knit you just plop down on your corner of the sofa and pick up where you left off. You don't have to think about what your going to knit today. Don't have to think about anything really - just dive right back in. I love that. I miss that. Last night I turned the heel and knit the gusset on my second Monkey sock but somehow socks don't count. I mean, they count, but they're too fast. I want something I can sink my teeth into. BUT it can't be too complicated. My brain can't handle that. I have a few ideas that I hope work out in the next week or so, but in the meantime I'm feeling a little lost.

I still haven't blocked Oblique. I have to do that today. So hopefully on Monday I'll have Oblique FO photos AND a new pair of socks to show off. Wouldn't that be fantastic?

Today, though, I must get back to cleaning. No more rest for the nest. Have a great weekend everyone!

PS - If you think I talk about my pregnancy too much on the blog, you should be glad you're not Ann. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Nipple!

Posted by Cara at 10:53 AM | Comments (21)

January 30, 2008

Fifty-three

The past weekend and the beginning of the week were SO GOOD! I finished Oblique!!! And I really like it - a lot! It's big, and will fit me perfectly for the rest of the pregnancy but I think it will look even better when I don't have a huge belly - when it can really drape over me and be a big blanket sweater. I still need to block it (really just the button bands and collar) and it doesn't have buttons yet, but I wore it Sunday to my nephew's birthday party and everyone loved it. G, of course, thinks it's the greatest thing I've ever knit, but he says that about all my finished knits. Hopefully if blocking and the weather cooperates I'll have FO pictures for you this weekend.

Then I had a stash sale and (almost) everything sold! YAY! Thank you all so much. If you paid me, your fiber is in the mail. Also, if you said you wanted a lot (I'm specifically thinking of Lots 3 and 4), I've sent you a bunch of emails and you haven't responded. Please do so ASAP. There are other people that are interested in the fiber and honestly, I want it out of my house. Now. Thank you!

And no, I didn't get rid of all my fiber and I have no intention of getting rid of my wheel. I truly miss spinning. Really really. I just don't have the energy or the time right now.

Speaking of which - the two projects I alluded to this past week are on hold for the time being. But I want to be knitting DESPERATELY. And I'd love to make another sweater for myself. Which is just completely impractical. But then I get scared that the baby will come and I won't be able to knit for myself anymore. Or at least anything BIG.

What else? Oh yeah. We had an OB appt on Monday and everything looks fantastic. Baby's head down and they don't think they'll be any flipping going on. In fact, I had to tell the doc where he'd find the heartbeat. I bought G a $20 fetoscope for Xmas and I can find the heartbeat pretty easily most times I check (which isn't that often.) It's fun and the baby's heartbeat is ALWAYS lower left under my belly button. The doc was looking upper right and I was like DUDE this is where it is and he checked his spot and nothing, then he checked my spot and VOILA! He said - I should always listen to the moms. Damn straight! We also had our "chat" with the doctor (I had a list and everything and didn't get nervous at all!) and Georgie and I are satisfied that they'll be on board with what we want.

I set up an interview appointment with a pediatrician (am I the only one that got weirded out when they asked me the baby's last name? You mean this thing inside me is REAL?!) and I called the local police department to find out about car seat installation (did you know that MOST car seats are installed incorrectly? Scary stuff!). Oh and I bought the baby's coming home outfit. All red. Just like I wanted. (Don't worry - it's being sent to my sister's house - there will NOT be baby stuff in my house until there's a baby.)

So I was feeling good! Great! Then yesterday I felt sick all day and we had our childbirth class last night and got to watch "the film" and then take the hospital tour. The film rattled me a bit and the tour was a little disappointing and suddenly I'm all freaked out about giving birth again. Just when I was feeling positive about the whole thing. I think it has more to do with the fact that I'm getting increasingly uncomfortable. My ribs hurt. I need new bras AGAIN. (Although I'm worried it's a bit early for nursing bras.) The indigestion is out of control. I'm tired - I do something physical for fifteen minutes and I have to rest for half an hour. I wake up every morning and my hands are so stiff it hurts to bend my fingers. I'm hungry, but I don't want to eat anything. Even dry toast comes back to haunt me.

My house is STILL a disaster. Time is ticking on.

I'm really okay - just overwhelmed a bit. Which I've decided I'm totally allowed to be. There are 53 days until my due date.

Posted by Cara at 08:55 AM | Comments (43)

January 18, 2008

Squalor

Today we have no heat and no hot water. Also, they've started the dreaded drilling I talked about way back when. They're refacing the outside of our building - including taking off the balconies and redoing them. They haven't gotten to my unit yet, but they're getting closer and closer. All you hear are jackhammers off and on all day. In the cold with no hot water. And I'm pretty sure my neighbors are running a restaurant next door.

Fun times.

We started our childbirth class a couple of weeks ago and while I always knew, you know, intellectually, that the baby will come out somehow - I hadn't really given much thought to HOW it will come out. The details and all. I've never been one of those people who thinks that a baby should be born in a field or underwater or god forbid my living room (not that it wouldn't be nice to be able to crawl into my own bed after the kid arrives, but can you imagine the CLEANING I would have to do to get my house ready for something like that?! Makes my head spin.) But at the same time I'm not the kind of person that wants to walk into the hospital with my c-section scheduled around my favorite television shows.

DISCLAIMER: GIVING BIRTH IS ABOUT AS PERSONAL AS IT GETS. EVERYONE IS ENTITLED TO THEIR OWN BIRTH EXPERIENCE, HOWEVER THEY CHOOSE. NO JUDGMENTS HERE.

I've never given birth before. I have no idea what it will be for me. At the class the other night the instructor went around the room and asked all the women how they thought they handled pain - then they asked the partners to corroborate. It was strange for us because my husband has been in fairly constant pain since he was about 14 years old and while I've had great experience with MENTAL pain and anguish, I've never really had to endure physical pain. So who knows? That first contraction might hit and I might be begging for the epidural.

But I'd like to go into this thinking I'm going to get as far as I can WITHOUT drugs and see where it takes me. I want options.

The instructor alluded to a few things about the hospital where I'm giving birth that didn't sit so comfortably with me and I started to get upset. Prematurely. I haven't discussed any of this with my doctors and I'm honestly only starting to feel my way about the whole thing.

Which brings me to the topic I really want to talk about - ANXIETY. I've dealt with anxiety and panic my entire life, but this is different. This is REAL. Most of my anxiety has been irrational - some kind of circuitry issue in my brain that starts to flip out when I'm feeling out of control or my hearts beats a little fast - there's a trigger and suddenly I'm sweating and breathing heavy and my gut starts to twitch and if I indulge the feelings I'm in full blown panic. I KNOW what this is. I've lived with it for close to thirty years and I've made GREAT strides to manage it.

This panic? This new panic? This anxiety about bringing a new life into this crazy fucked up world? This life that I'm - ME - responsible for? Holy shit. Now that's FEAR.

I'm trying to take it all in stride. I mean, it's not often in my life that I get to be scared with GOOD REASON. I should embrace that right? My problem is that I spend a lot of time trying to decide whether or not my reactions are NORMAL. Am I too anxious? (Before anyone starts to tell me about PPD and all that, you should know that I see a mental health practitioner way more than I see my OBGYN. I'm well taken care of because of my history.) Yesterday I read something about Halle Berry - who's also due in March - and she said that she's started thinking about giving birth and she's completely freaked out. Even more so than she was at the Oscars! Just the reality check I needed!

I'm lucky to be surrounded by rational, knowledgeable women who've given birth lots of times and can assuage my fears. Or at least validate them. That's important.

By posting this, I'm not looking for everyone to unload their magical, tragic, run of the mill birth stories on me. And I know that everything will be all right. My husband is bucking for COACH OF THE YEAR and I'm not sure you could get a more supportive partner. My corner is STACKED baby! And I haven't lost sight of the ultimate goal - a healthy happy baby - and more importantly - a HEALTHY HAPPY ME! However, whatever we need to do to get there.

I'm posting this because I've been pretty honest about my feelings this pregnancy. I haven't sugar coated anything. And now that I'm getting down to the end I feel like it's just as important to talk about how I feel - my fears and such - as it is to talk about my acid reflux that makes me sit up in bed at night gasping for air because I was choking on my own bile. Did I forget to mention that? I'm taking steps. It's getting better. Last night I slept so well I didn't even get up to pee. YAY KEGELS!

Every day I get a comment from another reader who's also pregnant - who knew there were so many of us? And maybe my writing about how scary it all is will help someone else who's also terrified. And just so you know - it's not all scary. The other day I was rubbing my belly and thinking about the doctor pulling that sweet babe out of me and saying "IT'S A ____!" and putting the baby on my chest and then saying hi to the baby and then looking into Georgie's eyes and watching him fall in love with our baby and man I lost it. I'm losing it now. Fear isn't everything you know.

Posted by Cara at 10:00 AM | Comments (126)

January 14, 2008

Nesting

Although probably PANIC is the better term.

Right there is an artful shot of 8 trash bags filled with clothes (all mine thank you very much) and 1 bag with 19 pairs of shoes. The really sad part is that I don't really buy a lot of clothes. I guess I just never get rid of any of them. Salvation Army - here we come!

The deal is this - in order to have a room for the baby, we have to move G's stuff out of one room. That means I have to give up space in the walk-in closet. So this is just a first step and the house looks MUCH worse than it did when I started but I'm making great progress.

I'm also now 30 weeks pregnant.

That means I've got ten weeks to go. Could be more, could be less, but let's just stick with ten weeks. TEN WEEKS PEOPLE! That's nothing! And did you know that January's PRACTICALLY OVER?! Wasn't it JUST New Year's Day?

So yeah. Panic. Not really nesting. Nesting sounds nice and quaint and all quilty and painty and decoratey and this has NOTHING to do with that. This is all about OH MY GOD THE BABY'S COMING AND WE'VE DONE NOTHING!!!!!!!

I'm okay. Really I am.

Thanks for all the advice on indigestion and sleeping and related pregnancy ills. The sleep issue seems to have been a one time thing. The next day I took a 3+ hour nap and then went to bed a few hours later and I've been sleeping pretty good. Besides the HOTNESS at night. Isn't January supposed to be cold? Where's the cold? I can't remember the last time we turned on the heat. The indigestion is still pretty bad, but I'm coping and the nausea seems to be under control too. It's all there - but liveable.

Here's a weird pregnancy symptom for you - the skin under my arms - my armpit actually - has darkened. Much like my belly button and the linea negra and all that. It's not stubble - it's actual skin darkening. Anyone had that? I googled it and didn't come up with much. A sign of diabetes (great - I thought I passed that test!) and, of course, that I'm having a boy. Have I mentioned that everyone in the entire universe thinks we're having a boy? Not that we wouldn't be thrilled with a boy - but still? No one feels girl? ;-)

Okay. Back to the nest.

Posted by Cara at 12:03 PM | Comments (67)

January 01, 2008

Ch-ch-ch-anges

This is how I looked on the day before my 38th birthday:

28 weeks, 1 day

We're down in Philly for New Year's Eve babysitting - believe it or not! Yes. I decided that our last New Year's Eve as the two of us should be spent with our favorite three-pack. And I get to be in Philly, with my family, for my birthday. Bliss!

Posted by Cara at 03:52 AM | Comments (177)

December 13, 2007

Carried Away

Thank you all so much for your comments and encouragement. I made it through the test. I have no idea if I passed or not, but I'm sort of counting on failing. It's easier that way.

ETA: BRING ON THE COOKIES!! I PASSED!
The dr's office called a few minutes ago and I'm all like I failed didn't I and the nurse was like, no, you passed! You're fine! YAY! Don't think this means I'm going to overdue it or anything, I'm just relieved that I don't have to pay super microscopic attention to everything I eat. Eating continues to be a challenge for me - I still feel sick most days - and the idea that I can AT TIMES eat what I want because I want to is VERY freeing for me. Thanks again for all your support!

It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. First off, I threw up before I left the house yesterday (at 7:30 AM) and that ended up being a GOOD thing, even though I've tried very very very hard not to throw up on an empty stomach my entire pregnancy. It was good because I found out that if I had thrown up DURING the test, the test becomes null and void and I'd have to do it over again. So the goal became DO NOT THROW UP - and I didn't. The only other thing I was a bit apprehensive about was a panic attack. Not eating - low sugar - ups and downs with sugar - are a sure-fire prescription for panic in my life. It's actually one of the ways I figured out how to keep it in check. Haven't eaten? Feeling anxious? DUH. I was a little bit concerned about it and my thinking did get kind of wacky at some points, but otherwise I was okay. I got more and more tired and more and more famished as the test went on, but it was really okay.

I'll tell you, the part I'm most grateful for is that the disgusting sugar drink I had to consume was the LEMON-LIME flavor. My sister always had the ORANGE flavor and she used to joke with me that I would love it because I am a HUGE orange soda fan, something she hates. My flavor tasted like flat-ish thick Sprite and I can still taste it and think I will never drink any kind of lemon-lime soda concoction again. I would be DEVASTATED if they had given me the orange drink and somehow my beloved Fanta was forever tainted. So I'm grateful for small things.

I also got a lot of knitting done! The lab was pretty quiet so I was sitting by myself most of the three hours - perfect for knitting away!

I've gotten QUITE carried away with Oblique! As far as I can tell (and my calculations might be off) I've knit a whole five inches more than the pattern calls for. Which is kind of okay with me. I see this cardigan like a big lacy blanket to wrap myself in! I don't even care if it's HUGE post baby! I love the yarn, the color, the pattern - MORE is definitely better! I've got a couple more waist increases to do and then I start the raglan so it's all good. I'll make the back and see how it fits and if it looks completely ridiculous, well, then, I guess I'll rip it and start over. Otherwise I'll start on the fronts! I LOVE THIS SWEATER so far! YAY!

I also bought some yarn yesterday:

Ever since Margene started knitting her Bird In Hand mittens I've been pretty smitten myself! Yesterday I ran out to Patricia's and picked up some Cascade. The colors are a little bit out of my comfort zone, but I'm considering these mittens practice. I have very limited experience with color work, so we'll see how it goes. If I love them and I can knit them okay, then maybe I'll try some different colors. We'll see how it goes. For now, I'm excited to start. We're supposed to have some big storms this weekend and I think I'll be pretty much done with my work so I'm going to get all cuddly with my boy and my babe and KNIT.

And last but certainly not least, as I was heading to check out with my Cascade, what should catch my eye, but some firey red and pink KOIGU!

I ask you - what girl who just suffered through a three hour endurance test replete with vomit, starvation, exhaustion and fear DOESN'T deserve some Koigu? I thought as much. So I bought it. ;-)

Posted by Cara at 09:55 AM | Comments (41)

December 07, 2007

No knitting.

I haven't knit since my last post. I'm back at work full time. I miss my knitting.

I've been thinking a lot about getting back into blogging every day - or at least almost every day - but I'm having trouble remembering what I used to blog about so much. I couldn't have had knitting EVERY day, so what did I talk about?

Here's what's going on:

-- I found a cute top to wear to a couple of parties I have this weekend. NOT maternity. I can't wear a maternity top to save my life. I had an argument at the maternity clothes store the other day with the salesperson who told me the reason the tops don't fit is because I need a new bra. Yeah. That's gonna help. My chest is BIG. Bigger than the little tiny spaces they allot for boobage in the empire waist maternity tops. My bra is FINE thank you very much. Much more supportive than the one you're trying to sell me. Anyway, so the top I found was in the Women's department. Lots of room for boobs and bellies. Big girl clothes have saved my life this pregnancy. Soon, though, they'll be riding up too much in the front, but for now they're just right.

-- I am in desperate need of a pedicure.

-- I don't think I mentioned this - but I got new glasses. They're red. I desperately hope I don't look like Sally Jessy.

-- My hair is the longest it's been in years and I'm loving it. I'm rocking out a Farrah feathered hair thing (which hopefully offsets the SJR thing) and my hairdresser was totally right - the bigger I get the more hair I should have. So my head doesn't look like a pin head. His words, not mine. Man's a genius.

-- This past weekend I took off my wedding ring. I have two wedding rings - one fancy - one plain platinum band. I don't think I've taken the plain band off since the day I got married. I'm wearing it around my neck now. I like it, but I miss it on my finger. My hands haven't swollen too much, but they go up and down all day and I'm scared one day I won't be able to get it off. Better to take it off than have to have it cut off.

-- I haven't worn any of my monkey socks yet this cold season. I think that needs to be remedied and remedied ASAP. Maybe today. But which pair to choose?

Random blather on a cold Friday. I have to go back to work, but I hope you all have a good day and a great weekend!

Posted by Cara at 08:53 AM | Comments (34)

November 30, 2007

How do you make a hormone?

Don't pay her.

Ba dum dum.

Ever since I've been pregnant and all talk turned to hormones I've had this goofy joke running through my head. I can't say the word without telling myself the joke. It's almost as annoying as the effects of said hormones. Which, incidentally, are KICKING MY ASS this week.

Yes, it's true, I've been working nonstop. I've had a couple of nights of not a lot of sleep. These may in fact have added to the ridiculous crying jags, but I prefer to blame the hormones, and the fact that my husband left on a trip yesterday. I swear on the day that embryo attached itself, I have become more and more attached to my husband. Usually it's no big deal if he goes away - I take off myself to see my sister and the kids or a friend or whatever. But this trip - this trip it was all I could do not to BEG him not to go. I know he sees it as a last trip on his own (which I've told him isn't the case) and he's been so stressed at work lately a part of me is glad to see him go - but I miss him so much it's making me cry. All the time. So I blame the hormones. (See, I told myself the joke again.)

There are good things on the horizon though. Like today is the LAST DAY of working like a maniac. If I can get all the things I need to get done DONE today, then I'm just about done for the season. Sure, there are always holiday cards to bang out, but they aren't nearly as time consuming as processing jobs. All of my deadlines are just about met and things should be good! Clients are happy. I'm tired. Another successful year. (This one doubly successful compared to last year! Grow business grow!)

Tomorrow I head out to my sister's for some downtime with the kids. I come back the same day as my love and then it's time to hunker down for THE kid. A new year is just around the corner and I can't wait!

Posted by Cara at 09:43 AM | Comments (25)

November 20, 2007

Little Boxes

See that dramatic picture up there? All black & white and arty and stuff? That's just a portion of the 45 boxes that Ann and Kay packed for me yesterday. I say they packed because really all I did was provide packing supplies and cheese. Lots of cheese.

So we've got 45 prizes. I haven't picked the winners yet, but I will. Soon. Last night I went on a bit of crying jag. It started with a real and/or perceived hurt and then devolved into sheer exhaustion. Every waking moment of my time is now spent working (and reworking) client orders and it's stressful to say the least. Tomorrow is my last photo shoot of the season. Tomorrow. One of my most dreaded days of the year.

A lot has changed in the last year - supremely so - we've gone from the ridiculous to the sublime - or maybe not because this whole pregnancy thing is ridiculous a lot of the time, but still, just because we're 180 degrees from where we were last year doesn't mean I'm completely over it.

And to make matters worse, I've heard a very sad rumor about a member of my favorite band. The rumor - while completely unfounded - is bringing up lots of bad memories.

I hate Thanksgiving.

I did cast on for my sweater and it's looking completely lovely even if I've only managed to knit about ten rows. I hope to be done with the ribbing very shortly and onto the body. Wouldn't it be so nice to have a new sweater for my birthday? I doubt it's going to happen, but I can dream. If I can sleep. Comfortably enough to dream.

Sorry for the bad mood, I just can't help myself today.
Prizes awarded soon. Thanks for your continued patience.

Have a good week!
L, C

Posted by Cara at 10:05 AM | Comments (36)

November 14, 2007

Home, again

Bruce was GREAT! DC was GREAT! Mrs. and Mr. Crafty Snargle were GREAT! (There are belly bump pictures - stayed tuned - Sarah's got them!) The hotel was GREAT! The pool at the hotel was empty, but for us, and FANTASTIC! Having G find the Exorcist Steps in Georgetown and me slyly downloading Tubular Bells on my cell phone to scare the crap out of him was PRICELESS!

Visiting the Vietnam Veteran's Memorial on Veteren's Day Weekend (or any day really) was too much for this pregnant mama. I lost it. All those names. Everyone of them had a mother. Too, too much for me.

Obviously I'm home and I'm completely overwhelmed. Work is nonstop now and the shooting should end this weekend (cross your fingers the weather holds out for me!) and then it's processing non stop for the next few weeks. The baby reminds me of her or his presence at every opportunity. I finished my second Oblique swatch, but it has to be measured and washed and measured again. I should have my yarn in a couple of days and I'm hoping to cast on immediately. I WILL KNIT THIS SWEATER.

Not sure when I"ll be back this week - but the prizes for SPIN OUT will definitely be announced sometime next week. I hope. I don't want to promise because that will just add to my sleeplessness, but I'm doing the best I can.

Thanks.
L, C

Posted by Cara at 09:10 AM | Comments (15)

November 05, 2007

Halfway

Sometime in the night last night I passed the 20 week mark on my pregnancy. That means I'm halfway there! YIPEEEEE! Although that also means, holy fuck - I'm halfway there!

The other night I was sleeping and I guess I was on my back and my belly was exposed (I was probably scratching it when I fell asleep) and G said all of a sudden it moved like I was being donkey kicked from the inside. DUDE! I WAS! The baby's all over the place now and Georgie still hasn't had a really good feel, but at least he could SEE it.

Someone said in the comments the other day that I seem to be enjoying the pregnancy now and I have to say it's true. I get all emotional when I think about it, but I just love feeling my baby move inside me. And I'm loving the changes in my body. My boobs may be huge, but they're matching up nicely with my growing belly. I actually feel kind of sexy in a whale-ish type of way. And man can I dance now! We were listening to some 2PAC the other day and I could shake that booty like never before! Guess it's all those loose ligaments! How do YOU want it? [WARNING: link NOT work appropriate.]

And yesterday I was able to satisfy a fantastically intense craving: bagels and fish. Specifically, a bagel with cream cheese and baked salmon. From Murray's. MMMMMMMM. So good. It didn't even give me indigestion!

I've made some progress with my knitting as well. Last night I was able to fix my mistake and figure out a better way of reading the chart. Now I can glance at it and know where I am without having to count boxes and stuff. Really, not brain surgery, but my hormone laden brain can't handle much these days. I hope to have a progress picture for you soon, but two rows a day doesn't make for a lot of progress.

Tomorrow is our big ultrasound! I'm excited about it, yes, but I'm also a bit bummed. I know that I'm not going to be able to see half of it at least. The techs at the hospital where we go are very SERIOUS about their jobs. Not that that's a bad thing, but my head sits BEHIND the screen while they take their measurements which means I can't see squat. It's only when the doctor comes in will she turn it to face us. I know I shouldn't complain because I just want everything to be healthy and all, but really - I want to see my baby! That shouldn't be a big deal. Everyone else I know gets to watch their baby the whole time. I guess I'll just have to be content with watching G watch the baby. Again.

I'll report back tomorrow - but no, we're still not finding out the sex.
Have a good one!
L, C

Posted by Cara at 02:21 PM | Comments (43)

November 02, 2007

Home, For Better and Worse

Before I say anything else, I want to say that I am feeling SO MUCH BETTER! Puking is no longer an every day occurrence. My energy levels are pretty high. My spirits are SOARING (with every kick they go higher and higher.) Really. I feel good. Not as good, physically at least, as I felt before I got pregnant, but definitely the best I've felt SINCE I got pregnant. Which, really, is such a relief I can't tell you.

Halloween was EXHAUSTING. Three parades, numerous costume changes, a veritable trick or treat mob scene and I'm spent. Yesterday I was not feeling well (and I didn't even eat that much candy) and I ended up puking before I left my sister's. It was all I could do to get on the train and climb into my own bed. The kids were as cute as ever loving on my belly and talking about the baby and all the Halloween stuff - I didn't take one picture and we didn't get a chance to paint my belly - but it's all good. I miss and missed them terribly, but I can't tell you how happy I am to come home to G. I miss him beyond belief when he's not with me - I've said it before, but this pregnancy is so much more fun when he's around than when he's not. Last night I gave the baby a stern talking to - NO KICKING UNTIL DADDY COMES HOME! While most of the time I'm still feeling those flip flops, I'm also getting TRUE kicks. And last night I thought I might have felt a body part - a really hard part of my belly - when it wasn't hard anywhere else. Anyway, so already the baby doesn't listen. I told it not to kick and all it did was kick until G got home. Then nothing. They say kids will make a liar out of you all the time and mine's starting young. It's just so much fun though! I thought I'd be freaked out and I'm just loving it. I love my baby!!!

And I'm loving my knitting! Although barely any progress was made. I knit a couple of rows on the train down to my sister's and a couple of rows on the train home, but I realized I made a mistake on one of the decreases and I have to rip out a couple of rows. No biggie - and I'm not feeling the pressure at all - just loving the knitting.

In not so good news, we found out today that they are going to start drilling outside our apartment in the next month or so. We've known the "exterior project" was in the works for awhile - they've started on other parts of the building - but now we've been given notice that our apartment line will be soon. Basically, for the very end of my pregnancy and the beginning of my poor baby's life, there will be men in scaffolding outside our windows with jackhammers. We will have no window access at all (they all have to be sealed against the dust) and they're removing our balcony so the sliding glass door will have to be locked off. The window seals aren't that big a deal - we seal our windows every winter. But the noise is unbelievable. I've heard how horrible it is near the apartments they've been working on since the summer and I'm not sure I'll be able to take it. Can you imagine? Nine months pregnant and men with jackhammers everywhere outside your windows? Can the noise hurt my baby? Estimated completion is May. Yeah. Right. The whole thing is really making me nuts.

Needless to say, we're ratcheting up the house hunt. We've lived in this building for sixteen years. Long enough, don't you think. I'm dreaming of a yarn room!

I'll end with some good news! My brother's engaged! YAY JEDD AND JEN! The best news - she's a knitter!
Back to work. Hopefully some knitting will be accomplished this weekend.
L, C

Posted by Cara at 02:44 PM | Comments (31)

October 06, 2007

SCORE!

Well, it wasn't quite the Dressing Room Miracle of May '07, but it came very very close.

Georgie was feeling bad for me and took me shopping - it really sucks that my sister is so far away because she is THE best shopping companion - but Georgie might just be inching ahead. The only thing bad about G is that he thinks I look beautiful in everything - he's like your mother or MY mother wearing love blinders. (Or at least the way my mother was when I was young. Now, honestly, she'd probably tell me I looked fat.) Anyway, I FOUND PANTS!!! And not just one pair of pants - but FOUR PAIRS OF PANTS!

The first place we stopped was Kohl's. The best thing I can say is that we were in a completely different area than where we live - maybe that's why everything was better? Because I have a Kohl's around the corner from my house and most everything I see there is crap. It may just be our store though. So I found the teenytiny maternity department - and wouldn't you know it, they had a great pair of black pants and cords (I'm all about the cords for some reason. I really really wanted cords to wear while pregnant) and when I tried them on - THEY ALL FIT GREAT!!! Even with room in the belly! And while they don't stay up perfectly, YET, they're totally fine and comfortable and look like regular pants. For all you pregnant girls out there (and apparently there a lot of you! YAY!) here's what I got - I bought two pairs of these cords, in both colors and I bought this pair of black pants. Absolutely PERFECT for work! I can't wait to wear them tomorrow! TOTALLY COMFORTABLE! I was like dancing around the store I was so freaking happy. I tried on a couple of maternity tops at the store too - but they were a no go. There was this super cute hippie type prairie shirt that G really liked - but it had some piping that was supposed to go UNDER the boobs and then became ties that went around your back. Yeah. On me they cut RIGHT THROUGH the boobs. It would've been fine if it didn't have the ties, but alas, no. By the way - has anyone else noticed that ALL the clothes these days look like Maternity wear? The new Vera Wang line at Kohl's is unbelievably maternity. It's crazy!

So then we left Kohl's, or G walked out and I skipped, hopped and jumped like a madwoman, and right next door was a Lane Bryant! Hearing my sister (she gets credit for being the first to say LB) and all you other gals in my head I said SURE! Let's go in! Ten minutes later I walked out with SIX long sleeve v-neck t-shirts (the absolute STAPLE of my wardrobe) that fit great in the boobs and have PLENTY of room for my growing belly. I bought one in every color except the white. PINK baby! (And more and more I'm realizing my husband has a thing for PURPLE. He's always going for the purple. Make a mental note.) I also bought some underwear! YAY! (The woman at the store told me LB now has maternity too, but I think it would be too big for me, honestly. One hint though - she said DON'T order online, come into a store and order. She said it's A LOT cheaper that way.)

DUDES! I WAS FLUSH!

The last stop we made last night was Target. I thought maybe a store pretty far from home might have a better selection? I was skeptical, but I tried. I FOUND JEANS! I bought a pair of Liz Lange maternity jeans that fit pretty darn good and AREN'T super low and the boot cut is tolerable and doesn't look ridiculous. What was nice about these, too, is that my pre-pregnancy size actually fit. These pants are sized, rather than S, M & L. My final purchase of the day was totally frivolous and I may actually return it, but I couldn't help myself. It's a coat - RED - with a fantastic lining. It's a corduroy material and it fits in the boobs and has plenty of room for belly growth. It's kind of lightweight too so should take me far into the winter since I'm already hotter than hell. For some reason I can't find a picture of it on the website - maybe I'll have to model my new clothes. Or not.

I may hit up some other stores today. Now I want to wear cute maternity tops. With the v-necks, jeans and cords my wardrobe now looks EXACTLY the way it did last Fall when I WASN'T pregnant. Which is good, in a way, because these are the clothes I'm most comfortable in (even if they are pretty boring) but now I want to look CUTE. Cute in a way I can only pull off when I'm knocked up. You know?

The next big hurdle - bras. I desperately need bras and if you think pants shopping sucks, you ain't seen nothin' yet.

Thanks so much, everyone, for your great suggestions and fantastic support! YAY! Now if only it would actually get cold....

Posted by Cara at 08:21 AM | Comments (93)

October 05, 2007

What You See Is What You Get

Thanks for all the comments and emails of support yesterday. Sorry for the mini hissy fit - usually I let the naysayers just roll off my back but I had just come home from clothes shopping and I was hungry and really? I think it was the suggestion that I start a NEW blog because the commenter was unhappy with the direction this one has taken lately. Like, does she think if I talk about all the peeing and puking on another blog the knitting is going to magically reappear on THIS blog? THERE IS NO KNITTING! I hate it. You hate it. But I'm sorry folks, what you see is what you get. God I hope it changes soon. But for now, DON'T READ IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT! And PLEASE - move along quietly. I'm in a fragile emotional state right now. Poor Vicki got my call at work yesterday where I started bawling like a baby. HORMONES ARE NOT PRETTY!

The worst part? (And I hesitate to say this but I'm going to because I'm pregnant goddammit and if you can't say what you want when you're pregnant and miserable, when are you going to get the opportunity?) The worst part is that I know who left the comment. IP addresses, it turns out, aren't always that anonymous. I don't know this person well at all, but she's actually been a guest of mine and I feel that I've been generous with my time and energy and this is the payback I get? That was the worst part.

Okay, on to other miseries. I took the first fifteen commenter's advice yesterday and after I dropped Georgie off at the train I headed over to Old Navy. Turns out the one closest to me has Maternity stuff. I'm really just looking for pants - I'm okay with shirts right now. I tried on like ten pairs of different pants in all kinds of styles and they ALL SUCKED! Practically all of them have that stupid low rise that I can't wear - period! I don't have that big of a belly yet and still they're falling off and I have to constantly pull them up and blah blah blah. Then I went to the Destination Maternity outlet right by my house - where I bought the great shorts I've worn every day - and I tried on a million pants there. All freaking boot cut, but the big problem is that the mediums are WAY too tight (I look like I'm 7 months pregnant) and the larges fall off me - everywhere, not just the belly. My next try is going to be Ann Taylor Loft which now has maternity and Sears and JC Penney. And the Gap I guess but I'm not really optimistic about that. Oh and thanks for all the Bella Band suggestions - I tried one on a little while ago and I HATED it. I don't like anything tight across my belly and I can't see it being comfortable when you have open zippers and buttons digging into your belly. Plus that means I have to wear EXTREMELY long shirts to cover the thing. So no go on the Bella Band - I'm glad it worked for a lot of you, but it's not for me.

I need ONE nice pair of pants - not SUPER nice (they could be black jeans for all I care) but they can't be cargo and they can't be sweats and they can't be overalls and I'd prefer pockets - so I can work. This is my super busy season - I'm scheduled to work practically EVERY weekend through November and I need to feel comfortable, be able to move around a lot (it's hard physical work photographing kids - you're up you're down you're all around.) ONE pair. I don't think that's a lot to ask. Do you? Trust me, when I'm not working I'm living in sweats. Or shorts. Or my underwear honestly, but for work I need something more. I'll let you know how it goes. Oh and I don't sew.

ETA: Thanks for all the dress/skirt suggestions. Not really practical for work when I'm on the ground and running after kids. Plus, I was wearing a great long skirt and then I had some chafing issues. And a rash. Oh, is that too much information? Yeah. I want pants. ;-) And I have to find a different Target. The one closest to me had the worst maternity stuff last time I checked.

And just so I'm not leaving anything out - my craving of the moment is Jujyfruits. Or Dots. Or Skittles. But really Jujyfruits. And I ate some salad yesterday for the first time since I got pregnant. Which I consider a GREAT leap forward.

Thanks, as always, for reading. I appreciate it.
L, C

Posted by Cara at 08:32 AM | Comments (145)

October 04, 2007

Some things never change.

Guess what I found out yesterday? I learned that the clothes that looked awful on me when I WASN'T pregnant are the same freaking clothes available with some stretchy fabric over the belly now that I AM pregnant.

We went to Destination Maternity yesterday and I've never been so depressed about clothes in my life. Forget the fact that the belly panels are still way too big on me, the fucking pants don't make it up past my thighs. Which really AREN'T that big (my thighs I mean)! It's all this boot cut crap. I can't wear boot cut crap. Couldn't wear it when I WASN'T pregnant and I can't wear it now that I AM pregnant.

I need clothes. I have to work this weekend and I don't have ANYTHING to wear. Well, I have the same pair of maternity cargo shorts I've been wearing every single freaking day since SPIN OUT (which finally have to be washed because walking on the street yesterday I had to cough and wouldn't you know it, I "leaked." Which is just a nice way of saying I PISSED MY PANTS! AGAIN! AND I WASN'T EVEN PUKING!) My shirts all still fit me, for the most part (I'm fond of saying I've reached fetish porn start status with the size of my boobs) but I need pants.

I'm ready. I'm really really ready for this pregnancy stuff to become fun. Any time now. I'm ready.

PS - If you want to see the one and only belly shot I've had taken, check here. Although please ignore the chin thing going on. I look like Jabba the freaking Hut.

Posted by Cara at 08:40 AM | Comments (139)

October 03, 2007

Socktoberfest!

Before we get to knitting, let's get a little business out of the way - shall we?

Bruce. I've listened to the new album, and how shall I put this with all the love and respect and adoration in my heart - I'm very UNDERwhelmed. I've been reading my favorite fan site for months now and these people seem to love it - they make me look like a casual fan - but I'm not sure I get it. The "wall of sound" did nothing but give me a headache. There are some good ones on here, no doubt, but I'm reserving my final judgment until I hear them live. And no, we don't have tickets yet. But I have faith in my man.

Baby. Let's start with the things that are improving: I don't have to eat every thirty seconds. In fact, I can go an hour or two sometimes THREE without food passing my lips and I don't get sick. I call that progress. I'm also (most nights) sleeping better and I have more energy during the day. Like I don't have to all of a sudden crawl into bed because if I don't I'm going to die. I've been getting up at my regular time in the morning (about 7:30 ish) and at around 8 I have to crawl into bed or I'm going to die, but during the day I'm pretty okay. My appetite has branched out as well. I can eat more foods and every day I get a little bit more adventurous. (Pizza for dinner last night! YAY!)

Okay - the bad news. I'm still puking every single fucking morning! I wake up. Eat my breakfast. Puke. Then eat another (different!) breakfast. Fun times. Although that's it. I'm pretty much okay the rest of the day. I mean, I get bouts of nausea every now and then, but definitely not all day. The other bad news - headaches. I pretty much get a headache every day now. I've read this is very common and my sister got a lot of headaches when she was pregnant. Yes I'm drinking enough. Yes I'm eating enough. Ditto sleeping, peeing, and whatever else you're going to tell me to do. I'm thinking it's a combination of eye strain (I have an eye doctor appt today), allergies, and just regular old pregnancy fun times. As Kay told someone at Spin Out - if there's a symptom, I've got it.

Whew! Now onto the SOCKS!

Here is a spectacularly craptacular picture of (almost) all the socks I've knit!

Turns out, including the 2 sockapalooza pairs I've knit, I've only completed 21 pairs! Doesn't that seem too few? I don't know - I was thinking I'd knit at least 30. But I counted a bunch of times and 21 seems to be the magic number. We've got two pairs of finished knee highs, ten pairs of jaywalkers, five pairs of monkeys, and two pairs of stockinettes. I've also knit seven single socks. And off the top of my head I have about six socks in various states of being knit. Hmmm.

Here's the first pair and the last pair I knit:

The first pair were plain stockinette knit with Regia Cotton Surf. The last pair were STR monkeys.

Believe it or not, I also started a new sock!

It's a nice mod on garter rib that I found over at Ravelry. I'm calling the socks Chawne's Rib because Chawne's the one who came up with it! So far so good!

I think I figured out my problem with knitting these days. In my mind and my heart I WANT to be knitting. I see patterns and want to make them immediately. I miss the old days of knitting for hours on end like you wouldn't believe. The problem is I have a limited amount of time to get things done during the day - and I have to get those things done or I won't have clients anymore. By the time I'm done my work, the time I would normally spend knitting the night away, I'm so exhausted that after a round or two I can't take it anymore. And I've had A LOT of eye strain, so that doesn't help any. Add in the headaches and voila - NO KNITTING! It's so sad. Knitting was my main source of relaxation and it really sucks that it's such a struggle for me. I'm hoping that the puke to knit ratio will improve everyday and I'll at least be able to finish a sock. Although I'd really love to be knitting a sweater. For me.

Thanks for reading! Have a great day!
L, C

Posted by Cara at 09:19 AM | Comments (62)

September 24, 2007

License To Ill

My bloglines subscriptions are dropping like a big belly in the ninth month! I mean, sure, pregnancy's all wonderful and everything and a miracle blah blah blah, but let's face it: I wouldn't want to hear about someone puking everyday, so why should you? (Still happening by the way.)

So let's talk about something else. Let's talk about *GASP* KNITTING! YAY! Whenever I get anxious, as pregnant women are wont to do - you know, will I ever stop puking? OH MY GOD, what have we done!!!!!!!?!, the baby comes out WHERE?! - I think about what I used to do to calm myself. I used to knit. Oh how I miss it! But also, not so much. It's really really weird.

I managed to buy yarn - on clearance at WEBS - for the Mommy Snug. I even swatched for it on two different needle sizes and I fully intend to knit it for myself. I think it's going to be fantastic. But it's not going to be done for Rhinebeck, maybe not even CAST ON for Rhinebeck, but I want something new. I want to be knitting towards a goal, you know? I want something - ANYTHING - to spur me on.

Enter Sundara and her fabulous yarn!

After I went through all the fabuloso yarn Sundara sent for Spin Out prizes, there were a couple of colors I just HAD to have. The Orchid colorway you see in the photo was one of them. I pass by it a million times a day and it calls out to me - it's practically screaming at this point - KNIT ME KNIT ME! So I'm thinking I'll start a pair of socks. For Rhinebeck. And Soctoberfest, which starts super soon. I think I haven't missed a sock-filled October yet, so why start now? And with a sock I can see progress pretty quickly, without having to knit that much. I can ease myself back in.

I need your help though. I can't figure out what pattern to knit. I want something plain-ish - not too busy - to show off the beautiful subtle coloring. And while I love the LOOK of a rib, I hate to rib in socks more than anything. Really. I don't mind purling - like in the monkey sock - it's the back and forth I hate. Got any ideas for me? I really appreciate it! Thanks!

Business: Tomorrow, a HUGE post of Spin Out prizes. HUGE. It's going to take me all day to photograph them! And all of you who have asked about the Spin Out location and whether or not you need to bring chairs - I'd say YES - you need to bring chairs. I'm planning Wednesday to scope out the sight and I will report back Thursday with all the particulars of the event, but until then - you're going to need somewhere to sit if you're bringing your wheel - and don't forget - you can always knit or spindle!

Have a great day! I'm sure gonna try!
L, C

Posted by Cara at 09:53 AM | Comments (74)

September 16, 2007

Sick

I'm still puking on a regular basis - tomorrow I officially leave my first trimester and enter the second. I'm really not that hopeful that tomorrow morning I'll wake up and suddenly be puke free. But I'm dealing with it.

The week at my sister's didn't exactly go as planned. I got down there Monday and the baby (my sister's 2.5 yr old), who had had a cold and cough the week before, seemed to be getting worse not better. We took him to the dr the next day and she sent my sister - pretty immediately - to the ER. Poor baby had pneumonia and he and my sister ended up in the hospital for three nights. It was just awful - but he's home now and doing much better bossing everyone around and constantly poking my belly going baby baby baby!

Needless to say, it was a stressful week and I came home with a cold. It's not a particularly bad cold, but on top of the puking and nausea I'm pretty miserable to say the least. I worked this morning and came home and sat on the couch. I think a few hours went by - I don't even know.

I can't believe that Spin Out is less than two weeks away!!! I received the permit in the mail the other day - now all we have to do is pray that the gorgeous weather we've been having holds out (or goes and comes back!) and that I can get through that Saturday without puking. Wouldn't that be grand! We've gotten a lot of donations this week - THANK YOU! - and I'll try to get them tallied up for tomorrow. I have an OB appt first thing in the morning, but then I'm coming here straight away to tell that we're giving away not ONE but TWO SPINNING WHEELS!!!! I know - I can't believe it myself! The generosity of this community is astounding!

I'm glad to be home.
L, C

Posted by Cara at 05:30 PM | Comments (28)

September 10, 2007

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

Still puking. A lot. I thought I had turned a corner but apparently if you have one semi-decent day the rules say it should be followed by a week of AWFUL days so now I'm just hoping for mediocre days. Nothing semi-decent, okay? I was getting used to stuff and then it turns for the worse. I have an OB appt next week and if I still feel this lousy and I'm still puking all the time, I'll be asking for the big drugs. Next week I start my 2nd trimester and I really haven't gained any weight at all. I haven't lost anything significant, but no gains. I think I should start to see some gains.

And I didn't get Bruce tickets today. Fucking Ticketbastards. There has got to be a better way and honestly I blame Bruce because there are plenty of bands out there that make sure fans can get tickets in an orderly, non ticketbastard way. But G promises we'll be going and I believe him. We haven't missed a tour yet.

There has actually been some knitting, but I don't have time to take a picture. I'm hoping for a Mommy Shrug! In the yarn the pattern specifies which just so happened to be on Closeout at WEBS! YAY! It's here - I've been swatching, but haven't started the actual sweater yet. Hopefully that will be this week.

I'm also leaving for the week. It's holiday this week and I'm going down to my sister's. I haven't seen the kids since July 4th and we all miss each other terribly. Hopefully they'll be a distraction and I won't feel so awful. Although I'm kind of nervous to be so far away from home. I've got the whole puke set up down pat and I'm as comfortable as I'm going to be with the situation, you know? My sister will take good care of me though - it's not like she doesn't know from pregnancy sickness.

There have been LOTS of donations to Spin Out! THANK YOU! I haven't had a chance to put you all in the spreadsheet so no total update, but KEEP IT COMING! When I come back I have a TON of FABULOUS prizes to tell you about! THANK YOU EVERYONE!

L'shana Tovah!
C

Posted by Cara at 10:46 AM | Comments (63)

September 05, 2007

Puke Buddies

Anyone think she had her head in the toilet this morning? Great! I get to be pregnancy buddies with the most beautiful woman in the world. One thing I'm grateful for? My skin looks great! I was so afraid I'd break out a lot when I got pregnant and the opposite has happened. And I can't even wash my face anymore because the smell of Dove unscented soap (yes UNscented!) makes me sick.

I ALMOST got my knitting mojo back yesterday. I was tooling around and saw this fabulous picture of Friender! Look how cute she looks all pregnant in her Wallaby! And I thought - oh my god! I should have a pregnant Rhinebeck sweater after all! So I searched around to see what else I could find and there was Kate Gilbert looking all fabulous in her Mommy Snug! I thought oh my god the MOMMY SNUG! To fit me the whole way through! And I can make it in Cotton Ease and it will be cheap and washable and I should do it! I searched some more and came across KnitLet's Mommy Snug! OH MY GOD! Look at her BIG BELLY! This sweater looks fantastic from a bump's beginning to end!

And yet. I hesitate. Why you might ask? Because I'd hate to start it and not have it done for Rhinebeck. Which is six weeks away. That seems so close (yet so far) and I'd hate to not get it done. But with the energy levels I have now I'd look at the freaking yarn, puke, then take a nap. Also - and this is a HUGE one - I hate to do ribbing. Hate it. And this whole sweater is freaking ribbed.

BUT IT'S PERFECT! I might go out and get some Cotton Ease, if I can stop the puking and the napping long enough to drive to the freaking store, and try to do a swatch. If I can't handle the swatch, well then, a sweater's out of the question.

So like I said, almost got my knitting mojo back. At least I thought about knitting for like an hour. That's a start, right?

Oh and to all those worried that my baby will not have a place to sleep or I'll be scouring the aisles of Babies R Us one week postpartum, I plan on registering for everything I will need. I'll most likely be doing what my sister did - she registered for everything she needed and half the stuff came to my house and half the stuff went to her mother -in-law. And when she went into labor, we all sprung into action so that when she came home from the hospital there were clothes and gadgets and all the necessary baby accoutrements ready to go in her home. While I may be new at this, my family is very well versed. After three kids in 4.5 yrs, I trust my sister implicitly.

Thank you again for all the good wishes! I can't thank you all enough!!!
L, C

Posted by Cara at 11:04 AM | Comments (80)

September 04, 2007

Thank you!

I'm not sure what I expected, but thank you all so much for your good wishes! Yesterday morning you had me so verklempt - well - I threw up. So STOP IT! I don't want to puke anymore!!

I have to admit, for weeks I had been planning to announce our pregnancy on Labor Day and I was so excited I could hardly contain myself. Well, as excited as you can be when you feel sick all day long. But the closer I got to announcing, the more nervous and anxious I got about it. Not that I thought the news would be received badly, but I think telling all of you makes it even more real and that's scary. Also, I'm usually so open about my life and my thoughts and feelings and suddenly it's not just about me anymore. I'm responsible for someone else! OH MY GOD! And the world can be very scary - especially the imaginary internet world and I guess I'm feeling all Mama Bear-ish about the baby and that's kind of strange for me. You know? All kinds of new, terrifying, wonderful, nerve-wracking, crazy feelings going on at once. It certainly is a rollercoaster ride!

Obviously, this blog is going to go through some changes. I don't plan on blogging about my pregnancy every single day - I don't know if I'm going to go back to blogging every day - it all depends on how I feel. This is still my fiber blog! If only I had a fiber life these days! I haven't knit in about two weeks and I have almost no desire. It's really, really sad. But people assure me that desire will come back and it will come back strong! I hope so! I miss it.

I can tell you though, that once I do start knitting again, I will NOT be knitting baby knits. I know - crazy isn't it? But I think I have a very good reason for it. My family is VERY SUPERSTITIOUS when it comes to babies - especially first babies - and it's our "rule," so to speak, to not bring ANYTHING into the house that has to do with the baby until AFTER the baby is born. I know - how do you get the whole nursery together? What's the baby going to wear? Etc. It's my experience that newborns don't need much. Diapers. A boob. A blanket. So I'm not worried. But I can't knit for the baby before s/he arrives. I just can't do it. No matter how tempting these freaking booties are! I might knit for other babies though - there are a few out there about to arrive and maybe I'll flex my knit muscles on them, but not my own. It may seem like a silly rule. I mean, not knitting isn't going to keep my family from - God forbid - a tragedy. But we all have our quirks and this one is mine.

Also, right now, we have no intention of finding out the sex of our baby before s/he is born. Maybe we'll change our minds - maybe not. It's just our preference.

For the record, I never lied about the pregnancy. ;-) I may have been deliberately misleading yes, but I kind of freaked out when everyone started guessing I was pregnant (we had only just gone back to the fertility clinic) and I knew people were reading the blog that didn't know anything about what was going on and could be potentially hurt to read it on the blog before they were told in person. So I said I wasn't pregnant - and I wasn't! I was never pregnant when I said I wasn't. Even on July 6.

The baby will not be named Bruce. I can guarantee you that. And we won't have a little Georgie either. Another family tradition is only naming after the dead. Bruce and Georgie are very much alive, thank you very much. I have to say, though, that when I found out there was a new E Street album and tour - WHILE I WAS PREGNANT! - I felt like my baby's life was fated. Crazy, again, I know, but the idea of going to a Bruce concert while pregnant has been a sustaining fantasy this miserable (but WONDERFUL!) summer! It's just too perfect, you know?

I can honestly say I haven't eaten ONE saltine my entire first trimester. The idea makes me want to puke harder. Pretzel sticks. Almonds. I was eating eggs every day until I puked those. I've tried ginger tea. Fruit works. I try to get protein in. While I do feel awful most of the time, thankfully I don't have Hyperemesis Gravidarum. I'm working my way through this nastiness as best I can and while I appreciate all the advice, I'm sure you all know that one person's comfort food is another person's puke fest. Translation: please don't mention foods! THANK YOU!

Over the next months I hope to share more of our journey to this pregnancy. It's fairly well known that we battled infertility and I hope to share some of our experiences with you. I feel like it's such a misunderstood battle (Relax! Have a drink! You'll get pregnant!) that it deserves our attention. So many people suffer and yet there is a shame associated with it that is just not necessary or helpful.

Alright. That's enough for now. I have to go eat again. The most amazing thing about this pregnancy thing is the realization that you can feel completely and utterly nauseated while at the same time BEING STARVING! I eat constantly all day long - but I'm never satisfied. And I'm always nauseated. It's incredible.

Thank you again for all your wonderful good wishes. I have read every comment and email, and while I wish I could respond to all of you, I have to preserve what litter LITTLE energy I have. (Pregnancy brain! HA! I get to say that now!) I don't know how you 9-5ers do it! We so appreciate the love that's out there and I look forward to sharing it with you all.
L, C

Posted by Cara at 01:36 PM | Comments (97)

August 28, 2007

More Reasons to Believe

The misery continues but here's something that saves me at least ten times a day.

I love this man.

Don't say I never did anything for you.
L, C

PS - Apparently it's a free download on ITunes this week as well.

Posted by Cara at 10:34 AM | Comments (24)

August 23, 2007

I'm thinking of changing the blog name

to Fits and Starts. Anyone claim that yet?

I haven't knit since Sunday. I'm embarrassed to say that there were times I even left my house WITHOUT knitting. Scandalous I know. We've got less than two weeks until the big reveal and half of you have probably already guessed what's going on but I have a date in my mind to tell you and I'm sticking to it. Suffice it to say though this has been a really really hard summer. And I can't get ANYTHING done. I set out little tasks for myself each day and let's just say I'm lucky I still have a business and they haven't condemned my house. The best (or the worst) part is that I'm in such a shitty spot that I don't care.

There are things I miss though. I miss having the energy to knit. To get things done AND knit. I miss getting lost in something - ANYTHING - and being thoroughly preoccupied. I really miss that. I miss feeling, for lack of a better word, settled. NOTHING feels settled. Decidedly unsettled.

I miss feeling like I can talk about whatever the fuck I want on my blog. Of course, my deadlines are all self-imposed, but I'm feeling like I can't break them. No matter how much I'd like to.

Pretty pathetic post, no?

Anyway, I've got some GREAT news!! We've raised $4180! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! More prizes next week and keep the donations coming! THANK YOU!

Posted by Cara at 01:17 PM | Comments (77)

August 17, 2007

TGIF

It's a little bit scary how yesterday's announcement really alterered my perspective on things. Suddenly I'm not so miserable even though things have actually changed very little. I did get a bit of good news. One aspect of my summertime blues will end in about two weeks!! YAY! About that same time I'll also start being less cryptic. Keep your fingers crossed for me. Thank you. I really appreciate it!

Spin Out is off to a slow but steady start. We've raised about $1350 so far and prize donations out number raffle tickets 10 to 1. There are A LOT of prizes. I hoped to have an update today, but I'm exhausted, so it will come either tomorrow or Monday. There are lots of vendors to update and a few prizes to show which have already come in. Did I tell you already - there are A BOATLOAD of prizes this year! More than I can believe!

If you'd like to help spread the word, please copy the button (and put it onto your own server.)

You can link it to the Spin Out website: http://www.spin-out.org. Thank you so much! Heifer is a great cause and I hope we can raise lots and lots of money - because we're definitely going to be giving away LOTS and LOTS of prizes! THANK YOU!

Posted by Cara at 01:09 PM | Comments (15)

August 16, 2007

Reason To Believe

It's official. Springsteen's first album with the E Street Band since 2002's The Rising drops in less than seven weeks, and it's called Magic. In case that title makes you, like us, think of Doug Henning... check the Mark Seliger photo at right for a first peek at Bruce's 2007 look. No rainbows or unicorns to be found. (And that guitar... that's magic.)

According to manager Jon Landau, quoted in today's press release from Shore Fire Media, this one's a rocker: "Magic is a high energy rock CD. It's light on its feet, incredibly well played by Bruce and the members of the E Street Band, and, as always, has plenty to say. It's also immensely entertaining. Magic is the third collaboration between Bruce and Brendan O'Brien and is a culmination of their very productive creative relationship."

O'Brien produced and mixed the album at his home base in Atlanta, Southern Tracks Recording Studio.

Ready for 11 new Springsteen song titles?

1. Radio Nowhere
2. You'll Be Comin' Down
3. Livin' in the Future
4. Your Own Worst Enemy
5. Gypsy Biker
6. Girls in Their Summer Clothes
7. I'll Work for Your Love
8. Magic
9. Last to Die
10. Long Walk Home
11. Devil's Arcade

Of these, only "Long Walk Home" has been heard before; Springsteen debuted the song with the Sessions Band and played it live exactly once, in London on November 11, 2006 (reportedly the day after he wrote it).

Today's press release makes no mention of a tour, but we do expect a full-scale E Street Band tour to coincide with the album's release. Watch this space in the coming weeks -- and/or sign up for our mailing list below -- for details as soon as a tour is announced.

(Information from Backstreets.)

I just might make it through this summer yet.

Posted by Cara at 02:57 PM | Comments (24)

August 13, 2007

No Knit Weekend

Sadly, this is what it's come to. I didn't knit at all this weekend. But I did a lot of knitty stuff! I started preparing Yarnival! for Wednesday, picked a winner in the Spin Out Logo contest, and started putting together the kick off post for SPIN OUT 2007! Look for that probably Thursday. Maybe tomorrow if I can kick ass today, but don't count on it. The prizes are OVERFLOWING already and I'm sure this is just the beginning of things.

Things have been really tough around here lately. Not necessarily bad tough, but tough nonetheless. Knitting content might be thinner than it's been for a long while - and that pains me to no end. Although the good news, to some of you I'm sure, is that I've been dreaming of seaming. Hard to believe, I know, but you might see those miters sooner rather than later.

Thanks for sticking it out with me. I'll be so happy when this summer is over!

Posted by Cara at 10:36 AM | Comments (16)

August 06, 2007

Today

might just be one of my favorite dates of all. August 6 is G and my anniversary! Happy Anniversary my love! Six years legal, 16 cohabitating, 17 committed! Pretty damn good if I don't say so myself. If I haven't loved every minute of it, I've been IN LOVE every minute. Thank you Georgie!

Unfortunately, I'm still feeling really really shitty. Which means we probably won't be doing dinner out tonight. And it means I never got to finish the sock I was sure I was going to finish over the weekend. I've got the toe decreases left. That's it. I hope to show you a finished pair tomorrow.

I also did some good work on Babette, but didn't finish that goal either.

Okay. Now I have to go take a nap. But before I go, don't forget! THIS CONTEST ends on Wednesday! I've only received a few entries so far and I hope that means you're all waiting until the last possible second to submit. COME ON! There's YARN to be won!

Posted by Cara at 03:26 PM | Comments (48)

August 03, 2007

One of those OTHER kinds of Days

Yesterday, Georgie and I had one of those life changing kind of days. And then we headed to the beach. (Ba dum dum!)

We're more Fall season beach goers - often times hitting the Jersey Shore way into October when only the die hards are there. G actually goes in the water too! He's NUTS! Yesterday's beach scene was straight out of Jaws. The water was so packed with kids it looked like a community pool instead of the Atlantic Ocean.

We had a nice day, but I didn't get much done, knitting, crochet or otherwise.

My knitting has definitely hit a state of flux. Unfortunately, the Bee Shawl and I have hit an impasse. I'm not sure where I went wrong with it - probably a case of don't knit lace when you should be asleep - and anything that brings me to tears gets put away for a while. So don't look for it here.

I finished the last square of Section V on Babette and stalled out. I've even stalled out on the second mini monkey I've put off far too long. I knit a row and then put it down. Maybe it's the Summer finally catching up with me.

This morning I feel awful and I still have a ton of work to catch up on so that's what I'll be doing today. There is one bright spot in all this - look what's come home!

Thank you so much Tina! I can't tell you how surprised and happy I was to pull it out of the box! And shocked! There may have been tears, but don't kid yourself - it doesn't take much these days. I LOVE YOU! THANK YOU!

Have a great weekend everyone!

Posted by Cara at 08:30 AM | Comments (25)

July 26, 2007

Dear Friends...

Hi - this isn't the blog entry I thought I'd be writing today. I have some SPECTACULAR stuff to show you, but alas, it will wait for tomorrow.

In the meantime, I wanted to thank you all for reading the last couple of months. If it feels like I haven't been putting my all into the blog, the truth is, I haven't. Too much is going on behind the blog and as much as I would love to be shouting from the rooftops right now, the time is not right. But it's coming! I swear, it's coming so soon I can taste it.

I am trying the best I can to keep the connection going. I miss you all, my confidantes. It's not me to be quiet about anything, but I'm learning lots of important lessons about patience and necessary silences.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I appreciate you and know that blogging is a two way street. This blog would be nothing without you.

L, C

Posted by Cara at 03:05 PM

July 17, 2007

Six Months

One of the things that made yesterday such a great day was that G had his six month cancer check and he's ALL CLEAR! YAY!

It's just so awful being back at that hospital and my heart goes out to everyone dealing with cancer - or any other illness that has the potential to rip your family apart. It's such a scary place.

But we're all good.

I promised you a finished sock today, but alas, I fell down on the job:

It's an almost finished monkey. I've got about two repeats and the foot to do. I probably won't be able to get it done today, though, because in just a few short hours Moth will make it's debut! We're going to Kabuki! The show is part of the Lincoln Center Festival and I'm really excited about it. My youngest sister and her boyfriend will be joining us - she just got back from Japan so it's great timing. We figure we'll celebrate our OTHER sister's birthday today. Happy Birthday Sis! We love you!

PS - I'll try to get a picture of me and the shawl together. No promises though!

Posted by Cara at 03:05 PM | Comments (51)

July 16, 2007

What a difference a weekend makes!

Friday sucked ass, but today? TODAY IS A GREAT DAY!

And tomorrow, maybe I'll have a finished sock for you!
Thanks for hanging with me.
L, C

Posted by Cara at 02:01 PM | Comments (25)

July 13, 2007

Serenity Now!

It's not even 8AM and already I'm in one of those moods where, trust me, it's better for all of us if I just sign off for the weekend. Besides, I've got nothing to show you anyway.

Thank you for all the lovely comments on my Moth shawl. I really appreciate it, and I do love the shawl. I hope that was clear.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Posted by Cara at 07:52 AM

July 07, 2007

There aren't enough words

to thank you for the love. So I'll just say thank you anyway. Thank you! I felt it! I really really did! And yesterday went better than I ever could've hoped. I promise I'll tell you all about it soon. Patience, my pretties.

Now it's off to knit. And knit and knit and knit. I've got a goal: a finished Moth before the weekend's up.

Posted by Cara at 10:51 AM | Comments (29)

July 06, 2007

Please do that VOODOO that you do so well!

A month or two ago I asked for some good wishes. I was pretty selfish about it because I didn't tell you WHY I wanted good wishes, just that I needed some. Today, I'm back again. Even though I've been a pretty shitty blogger as of late and an even worse knitter, I hope you're still out there and can spare me a "Hope that Cara has a good day today!" kind of thing.

I'm not pregnant, there is no book, but it turns out that today might be one of the most important days of my life. How's that for tweaking your interest and not saying anything? I know I'm being terribly selfish and I promise that one day soon I will tell you everything. It's killing me not to say, but it's best for my sanity to try to remain quiet.

Thank you so much. I really can feel the love out there, no matter how corny it sounds. I hope to do a lot of knitting this weekend so I have something to show you on Monday and regular blogging will resume as well. I miss the blogging almost as much as the knitting.

Have a fabulous weekend! And thank you! Thank you! THANK YOU!
L, C

Posted by Cara at 09:05 AM | Comments (137)

June 30, 2007

One Day

One day I'll knit again, spin again, maybe even crochet again. Not today though. I've got a job this afternoon (a party - always hard work!) then some overnight fun, and a job early tomorrow. Then it's home to await the kids! My house is considerably neater than it was three days ago, which I'm happy about, but I'm tired and there's still a lot more work to be done.

I miss my knitting, desperately (especially since it would really calm me down right about now) and I miss you. If I'm not back here before the 4th - have a great holiday. And to the rest of you, have a fantastic weekend.
L, C

Posted by Cara at 10:33 AM | Comments (9)

June 27, 2007

Discipline

No pictures today. I'm pictured out. Feel free to move along if pictures are your thing.

Today is clean the toilets day at my house. I've been up since 8 and have only started to blog at almost 11AM and not a toilet has been cleaned. But that's what I'm doing today.

I've been really good lately with discipline. I'm on a diet. It doesn't have a fancy name or anything just the I'm fatter than I've ever been and I can't stand it anymore so I'm not eating stuff diet. Basically I'm trying not to skip meals and eat more often but smaller portions and better stuff and no desserts and no soda and it seems to be working okay. I'm maintaining at the least and dropping a few pounds along the way. At least I'm back to where I was before the vacation. Vacation killed me. If I could only add the exercise in again I think I'd be golden. It's too hot to exercise though. I hate Summer.

I've also been really disciplined in the work department. Monday I told myself I wasn't allowed to knit until I had finished a certain amount of work AND fold the extremely large pile of laundry taking over the den. I did both and by the time I was done it was around 11:30PM. I knit one measly row on Moth and went to bed. Tuesday I was up very early because I had a 10AM shoot in Central Park. HOT Central Park. Like get back in my car and the external thermometer reads 110 degrees F Central Park. (That was because my car was in the sun, I suspect it wasn't really that hot temperature wise, but add in the humidity and I think I'm making a fair assessment.) I SUCK in the heat. I get really really sweaty and gross (and not the good kind of sweaty and gross that comes with exercise) and I get irritable and tired and nasty. I ran a few errands, came home, ate, and set to work again. By the time I was finished with the job I was working on it was around 9PM. I told G that I wasn't going to do any cleaning, because today is for cleaning, and I was just going to knit. The thing is, though, I got into bed to watch the boob tube and knit and I just couldn't do it. I was so tired I just layed there and thought about my knitting instead. How pathetic is that?!? But I had discipline.

Discipline sucks.

So today I must clean all the bathrooms in my house. There are three. They are grody. And that's being kind. Today I take a mini-break from photography work to clean. Say it with me: P-A-T-H-E-T-I-C.

Blogging might be scarce the next week or so for a few reasons:

1) Discipline. Blogging takes up time that I should really be spent doing other things. Mostly I can use it to procrastinate, but I'm way behind and it's time to prioritize. My house is disgusting and my work is piling up and I'm not knitting...blogging takes a backseat, unfortunately.

2) I'm not knitting. See number 1. I've got nothing new to show you! If I don't blog for a couple of days and that gives me a chance to knit, then I can come back with a fabulous knit to actually blog about. I know I don't need to knit to blog but cleaning and work are not interesting. If I can find some way to make that interesting, I will try, but otherwise I'm just boring myself.

3) Not sure there is a three. Can't think of a three. Damn! I thought there was a three! Oh well. Three is that I may blog every day in order to keep my sanity. Or I may not. Depends on how much work I can accomplish over the next week or so. NOW I remember three! My sister and the kids are coming up for July 4th - as they do every year - so I'm cleaning for them and I'm working all weekend and then I'm hanging with them, so yet another reason I might be a bit absent.

Excuses, excuses, but I'm really really tired. There's all this other stuff going on too, but I can't talk about it yet and it's making me anxious a bit and emotional and it's all good, but with the heat and the work and the cleaning I'm so tired. I couldn't even knit last night, that's how tired.

One of the best parts about being an adult is learning your limits. It's an incredibly hard lesson to learn, but I think I'm getting better at it the older I get. Learning when to say: I would love to do that, but I just can't right now. In the old days I would try to do absolutely everything and then I would crash and burn - rather spectacularly, if I might add - but I'm too old to crash and burn anymore. And hopefully way too smart.

Wish me luck on the bathrooms. I'm going to need it.
L, C

ETA: I have nothing against a cleaning person - in fact I had one for many years. Then she quit/we fired her and we haven't had one since. For awhile I looked for one and they were all either ridiculously expensive or not good and then we gave up and the house has been a mess ever since. Now I'm in the position of getting to the point where I wouldn't be embarrassed to have someone clean it - there's crap everywhere. Trust me. The goal is to get someone in here again PRONTO! As I said above, the older I get the smarter I get.

Posted by Cara at 11:11 AM | Comments (53)

June 22, 2007

The Rainbow Connection

On my way home from Lawn Guyland yesterday, exasperated by perceived slights, real slights, sleights of hand I said to myself, Chica (I call myself Chica - just trying to keep it real) this blog thing is very very important in your life, but is it worth all this stress? Honesty. It's such a lonely word. It is worth the agita?

I said, yeah, I think it is. But how to know for sure?

Chica, I said, let's take the decision out of our hands. Let's let GOD decide. If we should see a rainbow today, that ultimate sign of peace and harmony and unicorns, then we'll keep blogging! Chica wholeheartedly agreed.

It was a kind of tense train trip. What was the likelihood of a rainbow? Sure it was kind of overcast and looked like it could rain at any minute. The conditions COULD be right for a rainbow. Maybe. Did we, Chica and me, even really BELIEVE in signs?

As I walked to the shuttle after taking two regional train lines, lugging my big bag and my wheel bag, permanent indentations carving their way into my shoulders, I tried to avoid a puddle and almost falling on my ass, I caught a glimpse of something sparkly in the sky.

Chica! I gasped. God has answered our prayers. Look, out yonder, it's a RAINBOW!

The blog stays.

Thank you all so much for your emails and comments and notes of support. I'm hoping to get back to each of you that wrote, but it might take me a bit. I appreciate it for me, but really I appreciate it that you all care so much about truth in advertising. I am what I am and I'd hate to feel like I have to change that or censor it or anything. One note though - it's been mentioned a few times that maybe my yarn store review was what prompted the Yarn Harlot's impassioned post of the other day. I can pretty much tell you unequivocally that the two situations have absolutely NOTHING to do with each other. Unfortunately, I'm guessing that Stephanie's talking about something that happened TO her, not passing judgment on what I wrote.

I've got to apologize again. When I wrote about the reveal, I meant my new project. Not my new PROJECT. That project, with a capital P, is gonna be a little while longer.

Clue #3
Click for big. (Do IT!)

Thank you again for your readership. I'm fully aware that a lot of these problems wouldn't exist if no one was reading my blog, so it's kind of a good with the bad situation. I do appreciate your being here - ridiculous opinions and everything. ;-) (I KID, It's a JOKE!)

Hopefully, Monday, we can get back to the knitting. No promises though. Life is kind of crazy at the moment. Duh.
Have a great weekend!
L, C

PS - It's true - I did thinking about closing up shop, but rainbow or no rainbow, I'm not giving up anytime soon. I actually like my blog. A lot. And I would really really miss it (and by extension all of you) if it was gone. It does take a lot of energy and time though and I often think about stopping. For now, though, the good certainly outweighs the bad.

Posted by Cara at 08:17 AM | Comments (143)

June 20, 2007

My love muscle can bench press 250 lbs.

No, not my muscle, but Ann's. God I love that woman. Every now and again we talk about a podcast - a one time thing actually - but it probably wouldn't be funny to anyone but us. Hey Annie - I was telling G about our conversation and he just shook his head and said we were wicked retahded.

Sorry for the lack of a post yesterday, but this week is crayzee! Usually I'm home all day by myself trying desperately to get some work done or alternately staring at the filth around me willing it to clean itself (which takes A LOT of energy. Almost as much energy as if I were to ACTUALLY clean it.) But this week, wouldn't you know, when I would just love to sit around and dream about my vacation, I'm out every single day. Today I have a meeting and then I'm off to Lawn Guyland for guild. So no post tomorrow either. I suck. I know. Hopefully next week things will get back on track and all will be right with the universe again - read me sitting inside with the air conditioner on high, showerless, knitting my little heart out.

Just a brief note on yarn store reviews: as I said in my last post and as evidenced by the comments - for every person who LOVES an LYS, there's someone else who thinks it's eh or even ick. That's the nature of human nature. Maybe I caught the staff at Imagiknit on a bad day. Maybe I was in a bad mood. Maybe maybe maybe. I got a vibe. I'm not telling you not to go to the store - I would never say that (unless it was TRULY awful, which it wasn't) and I'm pretty sure I didn't say that. I ended up buying close to $100.00 worth of yarn and stuff. If I had really thought the store was terrible I wouldn't have spent a cent. The truth is is that the "vibe" is something tangible, and if we're all honest with ourselves, we've probably felt it at one time or another in most yarn stores. It may pass quickly and truly we might not get it at all, but it exists. Which is something I find remarkable given that the any person going into a yarn store must truly have some kind of interest in the craft, whether burgeoning or established, it's there.

The truth of the matter is that I don't really frequent yarn stores all that often. I wouldn't say I have my own lys. I don't knit with a group, period, let alone one associated with an lys. There are a million and one yarn stores in my area - a huge variety - some of the nastiest I've ever been to and some of the nicest, some of the prettiest, some of the ugliest, some of the astounding variety nature, and some of the one trick pony type. Between the internet and the yarn stores in my area, I don't need to go to yarn stores when I'm on vacation. But I love to do it! I love to visit and see what's out there - most of them are no different really from what I can get at home - but every now and again you find something really special. And then there are the people. The knitters. You can't discount the knitters.

Without you damn knitters I wouldn't be having conversations about love muscles and laughing my ass off. For that, I thank you truly.

Next week! Lots of knitting! I'm about to start the second chart of Moth! Maybe a finished sock! AND the big reveal!

Clue #2

Stay tuned folks....

Posted by Cara at 08:33 AM | Comments (50)

June 08, 2007

See ya! Wouldn't want to be ya!

I hate to do this to you, but I'm outie. Sadly, I didn't knit a stitch yesterday - a predicament which will be remedied next week. We're off Sunday and between now and then I have every second accounted for - there is A LOT of work to get done before I can vacay with a good conscience.

I will try hard to post at least once while I'm away (a week for blog purposes). This is a true vacation, though, so I'm planning on spending every second with my honey.

I've got one thing to ask though...

Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Have fun. BE SAFE.
L, C

Posted by Cara at 08:14 AM | Comments (21)

June 07, 2007

Reality Bites

Well, that didn't last long. Ugh. When I came home yesterday, even though I was in a good mood, the new pants veil had been lifted and all I saw was a really dirty house (we're almost at squalor people) and pictures from my niece's birthday party where I look really really fat. Jabba The Hutt fat. Fatter than fat. Gross.

What's a girl to do? After I ate the super huge Baja Fresh burrito (SHUT UP! It was lunch AND dinner!) I actually folded clothes and put mine away and then knit two repeats on my beautiful new shawl. That almost made it better, but I did fuck something up near the end of the second repeat. It was easily ripped and fixed so we're back on track.

I've got a lot of work to do before we leave on Sunday and I've got nothing new to show you - so I'm going to leave you with a couple of links:

First up - did you see what Nona the GENIUS is doing? She knitting a sock. Yeah yeah. We can all knit socks. But can you knit a sock SIDEWAYS?!? In true Nona style she's got a serial tutorial going on for her new sock pattern: SIDEWINDERS. She's up to the third part but there's plenty of time to catch up. I've met Nona and she really is a genius. I'm not just saying that. She's so smart it makes my brain hurt. GO THERE NOW.

Then, you all know that my dear friend Claudia is raising money for MS right? She's got fabulous prizes to give away, including some of my notecards, and she's gotten such a great response she's had to extend her fundraising goal! YAY! I've already given twice because my motto is give early, give often and if you haven't done so - you should just run right over there with your credit card in hand. (Or you can send a check. Or paypal. Claudia's got all the details.) She's trying to reach $30,000 and I'm sure she's going to blow right past that.

In related news, the Lovely Anne of Knitspot is working her own raffle in conjunction with Claudia's fundraiser. She, too, has fabulous prizes to give away AND she's matching FUNDS!. You can find out all the information to win some of Anne's good stuff here.

And if that's not enticing enough, Lilith let me know yesterday that if you give to Claudia and tell Anne about it, she's putting you into her OWN raffle for a fabulous pair of handknitted MONKEY socks!!!! That's right! Lilith will knit you a pair of socks! What are you waiting for?

Whew! I actually feel better now. Thanks everyone!

PS - My current favorite make me happy trick? The ending of 40 Year Old Virgin. Dude. I dare you to watch this and not laugh your ass off.

You can thank me later.

PPS - In case you haven't seen the movie, this scene appears after the 40 Year Old Virgin has had sex for the first (and second) time. This is supposed to be what he thinks of it. ;-)

Posted by Cara at 11:29 AM | Comments (27)

June 04, 2007

Fit for a Queen

The princess birthday party was a RESOUNDING success. Think big backyard. Barbeque. Trampoline. Decorate your own tiara crafts. Sprinklers. Water Balloons. Castle Piñata. Ice Cream Cake. No rain. Family. Friends. LOTS of kids. At one point my niece was sitting on the top of the slide that lands you right in the blow up pool and she said to me - and I quote - "My party is CRAZY!" with the biggest smile you've ever seen. My sister and brother-in-law outdid themselves and I don't think we'll see another party like that for awhile. At least a year. ;-)

On my way home from Philly yesterday I took a detour and stopped downtown at Rosie's Yarn Cellar. I was desperate for some Addi Lace needles so I could start my Wing O' The Moth Shawl. I ended up with two size 6s - the 32" length and the 47" length which I realize now was a HUGE mistake. I should've bought a size 6 32" and a size 5 32". I started on the size 6s, of course, because that's all I have and I'm worried. For me, this yarn is LACEWEIGHT even though everyone says it's a bit thicker than lace weight. I've never knit a shawl in anything thinner than fingering weight, to be honest, and the thinness is scaring me. I feel like it's too loose. Like I need to knit it on 5s even though Anne told me that she'd knit the shawl on 6s with this yarn and she's the kind of knitter that doesn't knit too loose or too tight and usually gets gauge. I'm the same way. I might actually swatch which I SO don't want to do - but I might. And I also might get me some 5s because I'm nervous that way. So no real start to Moth, but some good work on my latest monkey. I should have a finished pair for you tomorrow. Although you're probably really sick of them already.

I didn't walk away without yarn from Rosie's:

Koigu. P123. I have a weird thing about Koigu. When I want to buy yarn and I don't have anything specific in mind and the store has Koigu, I buy it. It's become my souvenir yarn. But I rarely knit with it. I actually feel guilty knitting socks with anything other than STR. I told you it was weird. And it's a shame too because I think this yarn would make excellent Monkeys.

It's rainy and icky and I'd love to just sit and knit my socks. For a change, I actually have to go out today. Figures.

Posted by Cara at 08:34 AM | Comments (40)

May 30, 2007

Tomorrow is another day.

I managed to knit to one repeat and the toe on my Seastone Mini-Monkey and then I gave up. I'm crazy today so this is what you get - socks will be modeled tomorrow.

Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, tomorrow! You're only a day AWAAAAAAAAAAAY!

Posted by Cara at 10:28 AM | Comments (16)

May 14, 2007

Childlike

Thank you thank you thank you! All your good vibes made my reunion a RESOUNDING SUCCESS! I had SUCH a GREAT time! Sure I was nervous walking in, but after like five seconds it was all good. It was a blast to see so many people and the years have treated us all well. Every single person told me I looked like I hadn't changed AT ALL, which I took as a good thing. (The zit on my cheek probably helped that. ;-) ) I was talking to one friend and he told me that it felt like everyone was in a really great place - everyone seemed happy and happy to be there. No pretentions, no airs, no misery. I totally agreed with him! There was a fantastic vibe to the evening! I guess all the miserable people stayed home. The turnout seemed great. My outfit was comfortable (even the spanx!) and my hair behaved and I felt really really good. I was so pleasantly surprised, I can't even tell you. I even got to talk about knitting! (Hi Diane! It was so great to see you!)

I ended up wearing a black pair of dress pants, a sleeveless black top, black backless sandals, and my shawl. It was perfect. This is how good the evening was: on my way home I stopped at McDonald's and after I ate, I popped my zit. All in all, a really nice night - I'm sure I'll be ready to do it again in 10 years!

The rest of the weekend was just as fantastic. My sister's mil gave my sister her gently used bike for Mother's Day and since the seat needs to be adjusted for my sister, I got to ride all weekend! Her mil put a seat on the back for the kids so I played pony for the weekend. What a blast! I had so much fun! My sister literally lives in Mayberry USA and every time we passed a neighbor they'd wave to me and the kid on the back of the bike. Then, to make things even more idyllic, the ice cream man came and we all got treats! Dude. I never ran into the house so fast for money! I've known this for a little while, but it all solidified this weekend. Being a kid as an adult is SO MUCH BETTER than being a kid as a kid. My sister and I decided that it's because we know just how much fun being a kid really is and we can appreciate it so much better. I also understand, though, that being a kid is just as hard TO KIDS as being an adult can be to us. I'm so happy to be grown up!

For Mother's Day, I did a photoshoot with the kids for my sister. I haven't taken pictures of them in a long time - too busy being their aunt to worry about pictures - or even bring my equipment down. Besides, that's work (as much as I love it) and I like to play when I'm with the kids. (See paragraph above.) Anyway, the shoot was great. My niece continues to be my BEST model - since she was four days old. I've got LOTS of pictures, so I hope you enjoy.

And even though it was an absolute MESS getting home last night (a train hit a deer on the Northeast Corridor line), there was my favorite boy and YARN waiting for me when I finally got home. Socks That Rock yarn at that!

Knitting tomorrow - hope you like the photographs! Thanks!

Posted by Cara at 10:16 AM | Comments (95)

May 11, 2007

So happy to be ME!

I know I said I was signing off for the weekend, but yesterday was so miserable I thought I'd share.

Last night I went to the mall in search of something to wear to my 20th Year High School Reunion having decided that everything I own doesn't fit and makes me look fatter and lumpier than I really am. That was a mistake. Not thinking that my clothes look bad on me, but going to the mall. At one point I was wandering aimlessly around Macy's trying to find something, ANYTHING, that would make me look not so lumpy and I caught sight of myself in one of the many fun house mirrors they've got hanging around the store: my shirt looked funny. I walked up to the mirror and took a good look at myself. After trying on the 100th unflattering outfit I could find, I had put my shirt back on BACKWARDS. I was so depressed that I stood there, in full view of men, women, and children, and turned my shirt around thereby letting everyone know that I can't DRESS MYSELF. It's a true story.

I even talked to my mother, complaining about how fat I've gotten, and NOT ONCE did she tell me how beautiful I was. Isn't that a mother's JOB?

And then, after buying a pair of jeans that tout "an instant tummy tuck" that I can't wear to the reunion, I sat in my car, in our parking garage, and listened to The River ten times, singing along at the top of my lungs while crying my eyes out. Doesn't get anymore high school than that.

The truth of the matter is that I'm very content with who am I and what my life is all about. I'd love my house to be cleaner, sure, and dropping fifteen pounds would certainly make things nicer, but overall I'm incredibly lucky AND I've worked very hard on myself and my relationships to get them where they are today. Generally I don't stress that much about my appearance (that's what happens when you spend most of your time in pajamas) but there's nothing like the thought of being around people that last saw you when you looked something like this:

to spur you into self-pity. Granted, they never saw me in an army uniform and this picture was taken three years after I graduated from high school, but it's the sexiest picture I have of me. Things don't change that much from 17 to 20. 17 to 37? That's a whole other story!

Now I'm certainly not complaining about how I look now. I've grown into my face and my body and I know how to play my strengths. And most importantly, my husband thinks I'm beautiful and tells me so all the time. But there are (at least) fifteen extra pounds there and I am twenty years older. I can still rock it right? This picture is from a year ago:

I still look like this. Maybe an extra five pounds but I wore this exact outfit to a Bar Mitzvah last month and I looked good. My sisters told me so. GOD BLESS SPANX!

Anyway. I found something to wear. (Note: not the outfit above. WAY too formal for this event. I'll try to get my sister to take a picture of me before I leave for the reunion.) Clothes I already had in my closet that I feel good in. My husband told me I look hot. And I'll have my favorite shawl around my shoulders. It never fails to make me feel elegant and beautiful. I decided on the outfit about ten minutes after getting home. Then I did what any self-respecting fat girl trying to get skinny would do: I made myself one of my favorite Lean Cuisines for dinner, curled up with Grey's Anatomy (anyone else think McDreamy is being a TOTAL DICK!), and knit on a sock.

(My new pair of monkeys. Dutch Canyon STR Lightweight.)

I really am confident that tonight will be very weird, somewhat uncomfortable and ultimately fun! But just in case, I'm bringing along some knitting.

PS - Go congratulate my friend MJ! YAY! Mazel Tov!
PPS - Go help my friend Claudia!! I have. Now it's your turn! Do the right thing and win prizes to boot!
PPPS - This post is my own little pity party. No need to tell me how gorgeous I really am.

Posted by Cara at 10:23 AM | Comments (105)

May 08, 2007

Time, Time, Time...

See what's become of me
While I looked around for my possibilities

I picked the yarn for my next pair of monkey socks. Always good to think ahead.

The yarn is STR Dutch Canyon (Lightweight - I only knit socks with Lightweight so it's safe to assume that any STR yarn I'm making a sock out of is Lightweight.) I tried to use this yarn once before - as a Pomotomus sock, but alas, I didn't like it. I think it's MUCH better suited to Monkey. I knew this yarn was destined to be a Cookie A pattern!

Speaking of Monkey socks, The RachFace seems to have a bit of knitocd going on herself: she's got washclothes or bibs and monkey socks as far as I can tell, but who knows what other obsessions are going on over there. Although, as far as obsessions go, six pairs of monkey socks is kind of lame. I'm just saying cough10jaywalkerpairscough, you could be a bit more obsessed. But thank you for raising the bar for me. ;-) But mostly - thank you for your modifications! Check out all of rach's Monkey Mods - some very cool socks.

In other news, I have a nice big red zit on my cheek. I'm prone to breakouts, but mostly on my chin and lately things haven't been too bad. So to break out on my cheek - you know - right in the middle of my freaking face - isn't the most attractive. I'm dealing with it as only a seventeen yr old can.

Did I mention that Friday is my high school reunion? Did I mention I'm GOING?

Yeah. That zit just got A WHOLE HELLUVA LOT BIGGER!

I'm sort of iffy on the whole reunion thing. I was talking to Ann today and I said that 99% of the people attending I haven't spoken to in 20 years. She said, that's the point of a reunion. Duh. The zit is eating my brain. But still - the reunion website lists all the people attending and I can't help but click over there a half a dozen times a day and think - oh. I don't want to see her again. And they all keep popping up in my dreams. I have to say though - I'm pretty damn happy with my life and where I'm at in it and who I have in it and it's nice to go to a reunion and be confident. Although I do have a huge zit. Here's what I looked like in high school:

No, I don't have a skin condition - that's scanner rot. And here's a funny picture for the family Annie! My senior prom dress!

Even then I couldn't keep the boobs up! And no, I didn't go to my prom with Conan O'Brien. I have no idea what happened to my date - he joined the Air Force soon after high school. I hope he's safe.

Now go pray for my zit to go away.

Posted by Cara at 05:18 PM | Comments (56)

April 26, 2007

The Dangerous Poet

I wanted to bring to your attention an incident that happened last week on a college campus here in the United States. It didn't involve murder or guns - but it certainly involved fear. The poet/professor affected was a classmate of mine when I was in graduate school. I am extremely confident that this man could not hurt a fly, let alone inflict the danger imagined.

Poetry is Dangerous, by Kazim Ali.

This issue is very, very complicated, especially given the world we live in today - but I thought it was important and I felt I needed to share it with you.

Posted by Cara at 10:28 AM | Comments (102)

April 17, 2007

Yet Another Member of The BBC

Today Vicki linked to a story I wrote entitled "The BBC." The story is a satirical look at tragedy in our world today. With the events that occured at Virginia Tech yesterday, and the news that the shooter was a Creative Writing student at the University, I'm putting up the story again for all to read.

My hope is that the story's absurdity makes you laugh a little bit today, as well as think about the nature of such events. My thoughts are with the entire VT extended family.

Read "The BBC."

Thank you.

Posted by Cara at 02:13 PM | Comments (18)

April 12, 2007

Bad Moon Rising

This is a long post that has to do with blogging - not really knitting - and there are no pictures. You've been forewarned.

The other day, after receiving a not so nice comment, reading this article, and hearing from blogger friends who had been abused in comments and blog posts recently, I came up with a BRILLIANT IDEA! I sent out this email:

BRING IT ON! An Experiment in Blogging
Dear Friends and Fellow Bloggers,

I hope this email finds you happy and arms full of yarn. So - I've had a CRAZY idea. I know, you're shaking your heads, but this one is even CRAZIER than usual and I'd love to hear your opinions.

I'm thinking of a BRING IT ON day on the blogs - or at least MY blog. Lately I've had some not so nice comments - both on the blog and behind the scenes - directed at me and my life and coupled with the article that appeared in the New York Times the other day, I thought that it would be really really interesting to just see the comments fly. I'm proposing a 24 hour period where people could leave, in the comments, the best criticsm they could come up with for me. I would set some ground rules - nothing about my family or religion or stuff like that - just about ME. I would ask them to stick to what they've seen or read on the blog - or if they've met me in person - but it's okay if they don't stick to it. And I would welcome anonymous comments.

What do you think would happen? Would I need to be in therapy for another fifteen years? Would friendships be lost? Or would all the negativity cancel itself out and eventually, reading all those awful comments, people would see how stupid it really is. That the adage - if you don't have anything nice to say - don't say anything at all - really DOES make the world a better place.

I just hatched this idea. But I think it could be extremely interesting, probably very hurtful, most likely entertaining and hopefully a learning experience for all involved - bloggers and commenters alike. I'd like to think I'd be putting my money where my mouth is - but maybe I really have knit one too many miters.

I look forward to hearing from you!
Have a fantastic day!
Best,
Cara

One by one, people responded back and were overwhelmingly negative about my proposal - with some very good reasons. It would probably devolve into silliness - like a sixth grade slam book with comments about how my feet were ugly and my breath bad. Or that I'd actually be overwhelmed with POSITIVE comments instead of negative. Or that it would truly get very, very ugly and I might not be able to recover from it. That when the 24 hr period ended, I'd get even more badness for closing it down. I thought, the worst that could happen is that I would take down the blog. And I don't want to take down the blog.

I needed to further examine what I wanted from this experiment. Did I want constructive criticism? Not really. I'm plenty critical of my life and I have a VERY honest husband and family who tell it to me like it is, not to mention an excellent friend who's ready to call me on all aspects of my life. I often call Ann and ask her if I'm being ridiculous about something - and she always lets me know how she really feels. Honesty is a fantastic gift in my life, even if the criticism is sometimes hard to hear. But there's a difference between criticism delivered safely, lovingly, RESPECTFULLY as opposed to just dumped in your lap without regard. You catch more flies with honey than you do with shit.

Speaking of shit, I was working with an analogy when I came up with this experiment. I thought, if I fill the room with shit - here I'm talking about the comments - and people really really let me have it - let out all the petty jealousies, the legitimate gripes, the suggestions on how to make my world better, i.e. more like THEIR world - well then, in the end all the badness might cancel itself out. Like if you fill the room with shit - eventually you're not going to smell it anymore. You know what I mean?

If your blog has more than one reader (who's not your mom - or maybe it is your mom?) chances are someone's thought ill of you. Either they thought your knitting skills sucked. Your design was a rip off. They could DEFINITELY do better than you. I would assume that the more readers you have, the more that negative number rises. I'm no saint here - of course I've thought (and even said) not so nice things about other people - even other bloggers - but I've never deliberately gone out of my way to make someone feel bad in public. Whether on my site or someone else's site or on their own site. In fact, I try to adhere to a strict policy of never saying anything negative about anyone in emails, let alone blogs. Does this make me a hypocrite? Sure! I can think it! But do I have the balls to put it out there?!? I'm not sure it has anything to do with balls. I think it has to do with thought and action. We can think many many negative things all day long, but it's acting on those thoughts that really says who we are. At least that's how I think about it. I'm not above petty jealousies. I'm not above lashing out if I think someone I love has been hurt. I'm not above idle gossip. Please. I'm a human being. But I don't think those are the types of things I want lasting forever - like emails or blog posts. They're not constructive. They don't help anyone (but maybe me for like five minutes and then oftentimes I feel guilty.) And they don't do anything to change a situation.

While I was thinking about this grand sociological experiment and how it could or could not work, I started thinking about what motivates people to be so mean. I'm sure you've all heard about the Kathy Sierra incident - a blogger started getting death threats and horrid pictures of her were photoshopped – for instance, a photo of her with a noose nearby - and posted on a blog that seemed to exist only to bash other bloggers. What could she possibly have written to garner such meaness? What makes people be so mean? [Read the NYTs article above and this link I found through MJ. Thanks MJ!]

I can only speak to knitblogs because that's really all I read - so let's talk about them. We've all seen blogs that seem to exist to denigrate other knitters. They're equal opportunity haters too - designers, bloggers, new knitters, old knitters, knitters who knit with one hand, two hands, their feet - whatever - everything's game! I guess a blog like this serves a purpose - on those days that you just hate the world and want to revel in that hate, it's sometimes nice to go over to a blog like this and join in on all the fun. Although at the end of the day, even when I'm languishing in the hate, it just makes me sad. I still don't understand what people get out of bashing other people. Most of all, I'm left wondering, why do people care so much? It's my experience that people don't do things unless they're getting something out of it for themselves - it's rare to find a truly altrustic action. I blog because I want to show off my knits and I love to write and I like to be funny - I get a lot back from it: lots of nice comments, inspiration, new friends. But what do I get back if I trash someone? Do I get to feel superior? Is it going to make my knitting better? Or make me feel better ABOUT my knitting? Anything negative I say about someone else is a reflection on me. What am I so unhappy or upset or unsatisfied with? What can I change ABOUT ME to make my life better?

Let's set a few things straight about what I think about criticism: if you want to criticise a knitting book or pattern or blog, that's perfectly acceptable to me. A designer puts those designs out there and once they’re in the world, you can't control how people see that design. You have to hope they either love it or hate it - some kind of REAL reaction. If you write a pattern and people start knitting it and it's full of mistakes and the schematics are all wrong and the actual finished garment is so ridiculously put together that you can't tell the neck from the elbow, well, then THE PATTERN deserves to be ripped a new one. But not the designer. Wouldn't it be great if we could talk about the problems with a pattern that would actually HELP the designer write a better one next time? Like some kind of collaboration? Why bring the personal into it?

I'm no stranger to criticism. I graduated from an MFA program in Creative Writing which means for two years I got to sit in a workshop where every week another writer was raked across the coals. I would spend hours and hours writing a story only to have my classmates sit around and talk about all the things that were wrong and bad and awful about that story. If you've never been through a critique it's a wonderful thing! Most of the time, the criticism that was valid was immediately apparent to me and I got really good at throwing out the rest of it, but it's still hard to hear negative-ness about your babies.

I’ll give you two examples of criticism I recently encountered. One had to do with a knitting project. A comment was left on my blog that basically said, “Well, I’m glad you’re happy with the project. I think I’ll keep my opinion to myself.” (Which in and of itself is kind of ridiculous because duh – the opinion was RIGHT OUT THERE.) I emailed the commenter and said – come on! Let me have it! Tell me what you really think! And she did. What ensued was a very nice conversation about what makes us tick as knitters and what we like and don’t like and it was civilized and THAT’S the kind of criticism I welcome. That same day I got another comment that basically said I was crazy and that all my knitting was a waste of time and I should be out helping people instead of being dirty and sitting on my ass all day making this waste of money blanket. (Incidentally, this commenter later apologized for her comment.)

That one I didn’t like. That one was personal. That one JUDGED ME. When you read someone’s blog, you’re really only getting a teeny tiny glimpse of their life. I share with you what I want to share with you. So maybe I’m out slopping soup at homeless shelters all day long or maybe I’m kicking puppies up and down the street – YOU DON’T KNOW. I would hope that you would judge me by what you read on the page and the way I behave through the rest of blogland without jumping to conclusions about the life you DON’T read about. I know this is a very tall order. We can’t help but draw conclusions – imagine realities that don’t necessarily exist – and pass judgment based on the little knowledge we have. I do it all the time. Once again, I believe it’s part of being human. But we DO have the ability to STOP ourselves and take a step back. In the five minutes you might take to write that scathing comment, take another minute to read it over and really think about what it says. Would you want to receive a comment like that on your blog? What if your friend got a comment like that? What would be your reaction?

And of course, we’re useless when we try to defend ourselves. I put it out there that I don’t shower on a daily basis. So if someone wants to judge me on that fact alone, well there’s nothing I can do. On the flip side, I know all about the arguments of free speech. It's my blog and I can say whatever the hell I want! Then why are we so upset if someone comes and disagrees with us? Why then does it all fall apart into a "you are censoring me because you don't agree with me even though I said these awful things about you on my blog!?" I can count many instances where legitimate discussions have collapsed in blog comments because someone, inevitably, writes "IT'S THEIR BLOG – THEY CAN SAY WHAT THEY WANT!” But what you say and put out in the world in your name has consequences. There are real live people sitting at home behind computers reading blogs.

There’s been lots of talk about codes of conduct on blogs and how we should act and decorum and decency and I’ve given a lot of thought to it in the past few days. I know, that were a code of conduct to come about, that I would have a VERY hard time adopting one for my blog. If I did, it would have to be the most lenient code available. Because, honestly, I do believe in free speech. And I do believe in the free exchange of ideas. And I do believe that I deserve to get back what I put out into the world.

And I believe that criticism can be healthy and constructive and very welcome.

If you threaten me, or my family, or steal from me, or destroy my reputation in some way – that’s no longer free speech. Then it becomes a matter of law.

So I’ve written a really long post, but have I really said anything? I’m not sure. But I wanted to put this out there in the knitblog world because I think it’s important. I really do believe that this is a COMMUNITY in the best sense of the word (and world - which is the first word I typed.) I have been fortunate enough to meet A LOT of knitbloggers and I hope to continue to meet more. One of the reasons I keep my blog as intimate and honest as I do is that when I meet a knitblogger I want them to feel as comfortable with me in person as they do when reading the blog. I’m anxious and crazy and I want you to be prepared when you meet me. No surprises. What you read is what you get. ;-)

Do I think that anything will change because I wrote this epic essay? That would be pretty narcissistic of me, for sure. Hopefully. Maybe a little. I’ve already seen some nice healing just from the email I sent out. Do I think we should all get along? ABSOLUTELY NOT. There are bloggers (and people) that just aren’t going to be your cup of tea. And that is perfectly acceptable to me. And if you have an opinion – by all means SHARE IT! But use a little common sense and common courtesy. Is it really that hard? Really?

In conclusion (thank god!) I would like to see a wonderful discussion in the comments – like the one that went on the other day at Steph’s. Dig deep and tell me why you think you were mean that time. Were you threatened by something? Jealous of something? (I would think that my petty outbursts are the direct response of envy. I want whatever it is that someone else has – as hard as it is to admit it.) What do you think about a code of conduct? Do we really need rules? Isn’t the Golden One good enough? What do you think would have happened if I HAD openend up the blog to all the negativity I could handle for 24 hours?

I leave you with this quote, found serendipitously while reading the NYT's obituary for Kurt Vonnegut:

“Hello, babies. Welcome to Earth. It’s hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It’s round and wet and crowded. At the outside, babies, you’ve got about a hundred years here. There’s only one rule that I know of, babies — ‘God damn it, you’ve got to be kind.’ ”

Posted by Cara at 10:41 AM | Comments (189)

April 10, 2007

The Power of the Blog Compels Me

Yesterday I got some truly heartbreaking news. Well, I didn't get it so much as stumble upon it. I made a lovely lunch of scrambled eggs and english muffins and sat down to watch my absolute favorite soap opera ever: Another World.

I've talked about this before, but watching the repeats of AW on SoapNet have been nothing but PURE BLISS for me. I started watching the soap opera when I was a young girl and continued watching it until they took it off the air. The day they started reshowing it on SoapNet was truly a holiday for me! To see those characters that I loved for over 20 years come back to life, well, I was speechless. To be able to spend hours knitting and spinning and fall in love again with the rich cast of characters was quite a gift.

Until yesterday. Yesterday, when I went to watch my beloved AW, I noticed that instead the sappy sophmoric sleeze-fest called One Tree Hill was on instead. Okay okay okay, breathe, maybe they changed up the time on you! They do that a lot. Breathe breathe. Maybe it's one of those marathons. Okay okay okay. NO!! NO NO NO NO NO! SoapNet unceremoniously DROPPED ANOTHER WORLD from its schedule without a peep. There are 24 HOURS in a day - they can't find ONE HOUR to show AW?!? Not one? BUT they can show One Tree Hill and The OC - then REPEAT THE SAME EPISODES like TWO HOURS LATER?! Give me a break.

I don't know if you're a fan of Another World, but if you've ever had something you love taken away from you without nary an OUNCE of respect, I'd encourage you to sign this petition. Also, if you'd like the phone number and or email address to complain to the network, leave me a comment and I'll email you back.

DUDES! I was SO SAD yesterday I might've cried. Things were JUST getting good between Vicki and Ryan!! What's going to happen with Cass and Frankie and Kathleen?!? Is Taylor FINALLY going to get her due for screwing with Sharlene? FREAKING CARL HUTCHINS IS BACK!!!!

PLEASE! BRING BACK ANOTHER WORLD!

ETA: GO HERE.

Posted by Cara at 08:59 AM | Comments (22)

April 09, 2007

Saturation

So I've got a problem. In the scheme of stuff, it's pretty minor but it's on my mind nonetheless. And this isn't one of those please tell me I'm right kind of posts - I've made up my mind about what I'm going to do and nothing you say is going to change it, but I feel like I'd like to talk about it.

I was checking my stats (because a little narcissism never hurt anybody) and I came across a discussion about my blog happening on a popular knitting chat board. The thread was started by someone who had stumbled across my blog and liked what they saw and wanted to share it. (Thank you so much by the way!) A few people posted that they read the blog pretty frequently, but lately it had gotten kind of boring because all I talk about are these dang mitered squares. There was even some discussion as to whether I'd ever sew the blasted things together. The discussion was very civilized and everyone's entitled to their own opinion and that's not my problem.

My problem is that I might kind of agree. My blog is boring now.

I've been thinking about it a lot actually - every time I blog a new square. Then I got this comment from Elizabeth: "Cara, for weeks you've only knit one thing. You have only blogged about one thing. We've only seen pictures of ONE THING." I was so upset. I KNOW I'm like a broken record. Here's another square. Here's another square. Here's another square. This weekend - guess what I did? I knit four more squares and started a fifth. Thankfully, Elizabeth saved my life because she followed up with: "And yet, you have made these mitered squares interesting for every single entry. "

Honestly, I'm driving myself insane. All I can do is knit these miters. I'm making myself sick with the miters. The only person who is still excited about the miters is G and that's because he sees the blanket that will be on his bed. (That's not completely true. I love the miters. Sometimes I hate them, but truly I love them.)

What's the solution? I've thought about it. I could blog about the squares once a week. I could have this super photo filled post and list all the squares. But you know what? If I do that? I won't be blogging but once a week. This is where my head is at. I'm not going to knit anything else until I feel like I've exhausted this project. It's taken hold of me and it won't freaking let go.

It's been well documented (here and in the comments and even on other blogs) that I tend to go overboard with stuff. I'm not sure that's a fair assessment. I do what I do. If I was knitting a sweater and I kept showing you pictures of the sweater in progress (which I think would be WAY more boring than my squares - but I'd do it anyway) and I knit nothing but that sweater until it was finished - would people say I was over the top? Or would they say I was knitting a sweater? What's the difference?

I have felt a lot of guilt over this project. G will come home at the end of the day and in between knitting miters and trying to remember to eat I've attempted to move the dirty dishes from one side of the sink to the other. I feel like a wasteoid - but I can't stop. I definitely have OCD tendencies - and this project has tapped right into it. I started out with 20 squares. Then I thought I'd make 25. Now I find myself dreaming about 30. I have yarn everywhere - color EVERYWHERE. It's giving me a headache. My shoulders hurt and my calluses have calluses and still I can't stop. You may say to yourself: who is this spoiled rotten girl who spends her whole day knitting these stupid squares when I have laundry and vacuuming and kids and responsibilities? Listen - I'm thinking the same fucking thing. And still I can't stop.

One other thing. So I knit 100 miters, right, and I decide to NEVER sew them up. I just leave them in a beautiful pile in my bedroom or sometimes I spread them out in my living room to saturate our life with color or maybe I even hide them away in a box somewhere at the back of my closet. SO WHAT. It's my project. I have learned - am learning - many many many things about myself and about color and about what I like and don't like and about the way I work and it's priceless what I've learned knitting these ridiculous little squares. I wouldn't trade it for the world - the guilt and boredom and the wonder of it all.

(For the record, I have every intention of putting this blanket together. I can count the number of projects I have started and NOT finished on one hand and at least three of them are socks. I'm a crazy obsessed perfectionist - I finish what I start unless I have a fantastic reason to do otherwise.)

When I started this blog, the main purpose was to keep a record of my knitting. That's still the main purpose. So I'm going to blog my squares. On the days that I blog the squares I'm going to talk about other stuff or not. Maybe I'll talk about the project and maybe not but these days this mitered blanket IS my creativity. It's the catalyst for everything I have to say here. It produces energy. It transforms me. It's my spark.

Posted by Cara at 01:06 AM | Comments (218)

March 27, 2007

The Little Children

Hey Nancy! This is for you!!! ;-)

At 18:07:39 PM EDT, I handed back the keys to the minivan to my sister. The kids were a) all alive (I REPEAT - THEY WERE ALL ALIVE!!!!) b) fed (I won't say well fed unless you consider a steady diet of pasta, butter, pancakes and syrup healthy) and c) happy (well, as happy as they could be now that their favorite aunt was running for the hills with nary a kiss goodbye.)

Whew!

Honestly - we had a great time! We both miss the kids terribly and have talked about nothing else since we came home (remember when E did that? Remember when C said this? Remember how sweet M was when he helped out with that?) I always miss them when I leave - I love those kids so much it hurts sometimes - but I was weeping as we pulled off their street. I'm sure a lot of it had to do with exhaustion because, man, I have NEVER been so freaking tired in my LIFE. NEVER. EVER. NEVER. Bone crushing. That's how tired.

Let's refresh - three kids, 6, 4 and 2. Two childless adults, 37 and 44. Alone. For the weekend. We got down to my sister's Friday around lunch and my mom, who had the kids the night before, handed off the littlest and said SEE YA! We hung out with E for a bit and then headed off to pick up the big kids from school. All went well - I even made three different dinners for each of the kids - short order cook now on the resume - and they pretty much went to bed without a hitch! Of course, I didn't sleep for one second the entire first night. The baby co-sleeps with my sister, which means he was co-sleeping with G and I and the poor thing would semi-wake up crying for Mommy and thrashing about then stop suddenly and go back to sleep pretty much every hour. I think my big humongous EMPTY boobs were confusing him. Poor baby. And when he was sleeping, I was listening for the other kids - waiting for them to wake up and come into our room. They didn't. They slept. Kids 1, Me Comatose.

The next day was Saturday and I told G that this would be our hardest day because we had all three of them for the ENTIRE DAY by OURSELVES. It was overcast and drizzly and not very warm and I told him that WE MUST LEAVE THE HOUSE. I know from experience with my sister that three kids in the house the entire day is a like a death wish for the adults so we all piled into the minivan and headed off to The Franklin Institute. In restrospect, I was probably sleep walking to think we could pull this off and truly it's a testament to my sister and her husband and what great parents they are because these kids were fantastic. They didn't whine, they didn't cry, they didn't fight, they didn't run off - all was peaches and cream. We had a great time! And we tired them out! Everyone slept that night. Even me. This was the easiest day by far.

(OH MY GOD! How could I forget!! I gave them all baths on Saturday night. HAIR WASHING AND EVERYTHING! They were so good for me too. No one cried about rinsing out the shampoo! (Not that I'm patting myself on the back or anything. I should also note that I am extremely close with my sister and her kids. Closer than most, I think. ))

Sunday was a challenge - hebrew school by 9AM! Me, alone, with all the kids! Sweatpants under nightgowns and snow boots without socks! Superman pjs with cape! Oh NO! It's a dog in the parking lot! Everyone in Aunt Cara's arms! M got there ON TIME and he was dressed in actual clothes AND had breakfast!! Double points for Aunt Cara! Quick! Let's run home! Time to get dressed for the birthday party and pick up! No! You can't wear your nightgown snow boot combo! Hair combed! Teeth brushed! WHERE'S THE FREAKING PRESENT?!?! Birthday party pick-up complete! Time to go BACK to hebrew school! Where's G?! I SAID NOON! Run through the parking lot. There at 12:15 on the dot. M last kid picked up. Teacher says: See, I told you your Aunt wouldn't forget you! DAMN! Points deducted. Never pick up the kid last. Back home! LUNCH! (Who the hell came up with the three meal a day plan? They should be SHOT!) NAP! (Thank god!!!!) Birthday party girl arrives home! It's NICE OUT! Let's GO OUT! PLAYGROUND TIME! (Yes. G and I took all three kids to the playground. No broken bones. No bloody lips. No fistfights. 100 BONUS POINTS!!!) Come home. MORE OUTSIDE! Let's RIDE BIKES! Helmet won't fit over super curly hair. Tears. Lots of tears. Aunt Cara says fine. Don't wear the helmet. But if you fall over and crack your head I WILL NOT FORGIVE YOU! Tricycle breaks. Damn. Let's go in! DINNER! Pasta and butter AGAIN! Yes. You can watch a show. Turn show on. Do dishes (I did so many dishes!) KIDS ASLEEP!!!! IT'S ONLY 6:30!!! THEY HAVEN'T PEED AND THEY WILL WAKE UP IN THREE HOURS AND BE UP ALL NIGHT!!! You have no points left. YOU LOSE. Baby's about to fall asleep when you realize he hasn't pooped all weekend. He's a once a day kind of guy. Shit. LITERALLY! Change diaper THREE TIMES in 45 minutes. Big kids still sleeping. Baby finally asleep. Big kids wake up. Okay. Let's watch that movie you promised. Sorry, honey, it's too late. BUT YOU PROMISED!!! Kids are all in various beds - some of them their own - most of them not. OTHER sister shows up sometime in the middle of the night. Don't sleep so well. Hmmmm.

Monday, M had school and I was relieved a bit my other sister. She came down the night before and suprised the kids in the morning by managing to wake before noon. I took M to school (I PACKED A LUNCH! And wrote him a note - my mom always wrote us notes in our lunch bags) and came home to find my sister playing with the other two kids. Took five minutes to clean up the freaking kitchen AGAIN. And straighten up some toys. Sister leaves. Toddler melts down SPECTACULARLY! I made sure he couldn't hurt himself and let him go at it. Quite impressive. Finally he calmed down and we drove around in the minivan with a movie going for C and hoping the baby would fall asleep. He does, but doesn't make the transfer from the car to the bed. More melt downs. MY SISTER IS ON THE AIRPLANE HOME! Lots of TV that afternoon as I try to put the house back together. Pick up M from school. Twist ankle on front yard as kids climb through ivy and get stuck. Start crying. Scare kids. Love kids. MOM HOME!!!!

That was my weekend. How was yours?

I'm being sort of funny, but it was quite the weekend. G and I were stressed but we loved it too. We missed each other - I would see him and want to hug and cuddle but there were three kids on the couch between him and me and it was tough. He was a real trooper and the kids and he bonded which makes so happy. My sister and b-i-l got to get away. I proved to myself I'm much tougher than I think I am. We're all winners!!!!

I even got to knit. A little bit.

Square #6

I started this square right before I left for my sister's. I finished it this morning. I've already started the next one. This square was completely influenced by this post over at Ruth's. Ruth has been exploring color by taking photographs and breaking them down into their elemental colors. It's a great idea and I may just follow suit. I've got some flower pictures that might need to be broken down. Thanks for the inspiration Ruth!

I wanted to thank you all again for your participation in the discussion on comments and blogs. I've seen the topic come up quite a bit around the blogs and everything I've seen remains thoughtful and respectful. That's no small task in this day and age where everything seems to break down to a toddler's level rather quickly among the adults in this world. I said it first! I said it best! I'm RIGHT! She's WRONG! It's NOT FAIR! Honestly, I didn't see any of that and I thank you so much. I hope we can have more give and take like this real soon. Thanks again for reading.

Up next: More miters! If you're sick of these, you might want to take a break from reading. That's about all you're going to get for a while, I'm afraid. Well, I'm not really afraid because I love them more and more each day, but you might be bored.

PS - I almost forgot! While I was being SUPER AUNT, I also managed to do an interview with Tara for Create A Connection and the Interview Tuesday series. Check out the site - there's lots of great stuff. Melba's done a great job putting it out there. Thanks girls!

Posted by Cara at 03:53 PM | Comments (77)

March 22, 2007

One Million Possibilities

About the only thing that could possibly make me feel better is this:

When I took to my bed yesterday, I wanted to knit. But not socks or the cardigan or any of the other half knit stuff I have laying around the house. I wanted to knit a mitered square. I really really REALLY wanted to knit a mitered square. So I laid out all the TCC I have and started moving colors around on the bed and I came up with a couple of possibilities but nothing I loved. And my head hurt so I told myself don't push it. Wait. Be patient. Today I was rewarded! One of my new batches of TCC arrived and I see a MILLION possibilities! I'm going to try to be good and get everything ready for the weekend and get some work out of the way and THEN I will be allowed to knit my miters. Only then. I might plan a few out before hand, might move some colors around, but NO KNITTING. No. I will be good. It's a very lucky thing that I have to watch those kids this weekend, or we all might be in trouble. You might find me Monday one very sick girl mumbling miter miter miter miter over and over again rocking back and forth with imaginary needles and imaginary yarn in hand. DUDES! WAIT! IDEA! I've never wanted to take LSD before, for fear I'd lose myself in some kind of psychedelic haze - but OH MY GOD! What if you could take LSD and KNIT MITERS?!?! Seriously. I haven't taken any cold medicine at all. I swear.

Before I sign off for the weekend, I wanted to sincerely thank you all for your comments on my post yesterday and especially over at Steph's. Thank you for the tremendous insight you left here, and over there, and thank you for being respectful. I promise you: I read EVERY SINGLE COMMENT left here. I even read the fucking spam comments. I may not be able to reply to every one, but I READ THEM. And I appreciate every one of you - whether you leave a comment or not. ETA: I have my blog set up so that every comment I get comes in as an email. This way it makes it easier for me to reply back to the commenter (when I can - I'm sorry I'm not better than I am.) You might want to check your blog to see if you have this setting - it makes communication so much easier!

Have a fantastic weekend!

Posted by Cara at 01:25 PM | Comments (90)

March 21, 2007

Best Laid Plans

I feel like stomping around and throwing a fit. I'm home today. I love my home, don't get me wrong, but I'd much rather be playing with my friend than blowing my nose every 30 seconds. I had the sniffles at the beginning of the week and thought maybe it was just allergies. But sometime in the middle of my nice romantic night in the big city, it turned into a full-fledged cold. So no Spinning Guild for me. No fun. Just snot.

I will be spending the next 36 hours doing everything I can to rest and rest and rest. Three kids, 6, almost 4 and 2 weeks from 2, are depending on me for FUN FUN FUN this weekend and I cannot disappoint. At least if your nose is stuffed you can't smell the poop when you change the diaper. Right? RIGHT???

PS - Steph inadvertently started an interesting conversation on blogging. In this post, she asks the question "Why blog if you don't have people pop in and say hello?" in regards to blogs she's visited that don't have any comments. It didn't go over too well, so she explains herself here. I jumped in with my opinion. It's slightly incoherent - but I'm SICK so give me a break. I'm sure Steph would love to hear your opinion - no matter what side you're on - she's open minded and terrific like that.

PPS - Okay - so I just read some more of the comments over at Steph's and because I don't want to take up all her space I'm going to write some thoughts on commenting on blogs over here. One of the commenters mentioned how hard it is to get people to comment on blogs when you're not in the "clique." Oh man do I understand that feeling! What the fuck is she talking about, you're saying - she gets like fifteen million comments a day! She IS the clique. Biotch. Comment Ho. Yeah, yeah, yeah. NOW I get a lot of comments (comparitively - there are bloggers out there getting WAY more comments than me - unless, of course, I'm giving something away - NOT THAT I'M COMPLAINING. I'M JUST STATING FACT.) but when I first started blogging - I got a handful of comments here and there. For the first year or two in fact. Blogging in a community (as opposed to blogging for yourself - which I also think is VERY legitimate if that's what you want) takes work. It's a RELATIONSHIP. Community is a RELATIONSHIP. I've been asked a lot - recently in fact - how to get new blogs on the map. My answers to these questions: read and COMMENT on other people's blogs. I like to go and leave comments on blogs that are new to me. Link to people! It may be narcisstic of me, but I like to check my stats. I like to see who's linking to me and what they have to say. I often leave comments on blogs that have linked to me. Be a part of a swap or an online blog ring but most of all, people will engage with you if you engage with them. There are literally thousands of blogs out there - not everyone is going to read your blog. If you want an audience, go out and get it.

I'm sick. I can't hear very well. Did that sound bad? I don't want it to sound bad. I want it to sound honest and truthful and not pedantic and oh whatever. I have to go blow my fucking nose again. HONK!!!!! SNIFFsniff. Please excuse me. Thank you.

Posted by Cara at 11:53 AM | Comments (136)

March 20, 2007

Colors

Ice T said it best:

(If Ice T isn't your speed, Ann's got some Mr. Rogers You Tube goodness over on her site. Just sayin'.)

You don't come out the other end of a weekend like I just had without learning some stuff about yourself. Things I learned while sitting on the couch knitting like a fiend for three and a half days:

- My husband is a saint. He can't stand to be in the house all day and I thrive on it. So after the twenty-third hour of my sitting on the couch, knitting away furiously, saying "Isn't this the greatest weekend ever!" over and over, it's a miracle he didn't hit me. He smiled and thanked me for being so happy. He also didn't mention that I smelled. You think you're not working up a funk sitting on that couch but you do. Trust me. I actually showered Saturday night at around 11:30 PM. (Which may not seem weird to you, but honestly, if I'm not leaving the house, I ain't showering. Please call before you come over.) ETA: I should also say that I didn't MAKE G stay in the house with me all weekend. He was allowed to leave. And he did. Just not as much as he would've liked.

- While I greatly admire the funkiness of Nona's spectacular short row log cabin swatches (FANTASTIC TUTORIAL HERE), my mind can't do that. How I would love to bend the way they do out in Gee's land, but I get such satisfaction out of all those little v's lined up in a precise, neat, orderly row that to deliberately knock things off their wack is something I'm not capable of. It makes me feel weird. AND I'M OKAY WITH THAT. I really really really am. Because I can bend and twist and turn and scare the bejeezus out of myself with COLOR. C-O-L-O-R. That's what I'm all about.

I was particularly taken with this fuchsia color.
I used it as an accent in three of my miters.
Did you know fuchsia rhymes with Lucia?

- I'm not sure if this is really learned, because I've known it for a long time, but it really is all about COLOR for me. Rarely do I shoot with black & white in mind. My personal work has always been about color. My knitting has always been about color. My SPINNING has definitely always been about color. The only reason I started spinning was to make yarn like this. That was it. Not even to necessarily knit with it, just spin up all that color.

It's funny too - my house is kind of drab in it's decor. I have white walls EVERYWHERE. Well, the walls you can see because my living room/dining room is covered with wood-like (is particle board really wood?) bookcases thereby hiding the walls. There's lots and lots of wood (which can be colorful, but my wood's not) and my furniture is navy blue and my wall to wall carpeting is brown and my bedroom's kind of brown with lots of wood and my sheets are dark and blue and so are the drapes and no wonder all I want is color in my life! Why limit myself to ROSE colored glasses?!? I want all the colors of the rainbow!

- I learned that I'm accepting of the dual nature of my obsessive tendencies. Because sometimes they can be truly grand and net me five glorious blocks of color, but sometimes they can fuck with me to the extreme and make me miserable and scared and feel vastly out of control. It's okay though because I can take the bad with the very very good. Sometimes.

- I learned that on occasion I DO like Mondays because they give you the break you need after a weekend spent obsessing. And spinning guild. I'm extremely grateful for spinning guild because when you're spinning you're not knitting (because as much as we'd like to, we can't knit ALL THE TIME, we must eat and sleep!) and yet you still get to play with COLOR!

Pre-Drafted Spunky Eclectic Fiber
Biffle - Tie Dye Colorway

Fluffy goodness all drafted up - ready to be spun!

Yesterday I knit a few rows on the KH Cardigan - it was comfort knitting is there ever was one. I learned that when you throw yourself into something - even something that COULD be comforting (like stockinette stitch miters) - when your brain is working overtime processing colors and ideas and thinking thinking thinking it's NOT restful. Invigorating? Yes. Inspiring? Yes. Compelling? Creative? Fulfilling? Yes. Yes. Yes. Restful, though, it's not. Today I'm going to spin a little and then I'm spending the night in the big city with my G. Tomorrow I'm off to Lawn Guyland to hang with my favorite martian and the guild. Thursday I'm off to my sister's to BABYSIT. No rest for the weary. I'm not sure if I'll be blogging at all until next week sometime. I will try to check in to let you all know that the kids are taking very good care of us - but if not, have no fear. My voice is back and it's LOUD. (In fact, I wish I would just shut up already....)

Have a great week everyone!

Posted by Cara at 10:41 AM | Comments (27)

February 23, 2007

The Grass is Always Greener

I'm not perfect. (Even if I strive for it at times with an unhealthy force.) I'm human. I can guarantee you that, on a fairly regular basis, I piss off and annoy and sometimes hurt the people that love me and that I love most in this world. So imagine the damage that I can inflict upon the strangers that may stumble upon this blog. I have deliberately chosen to write this blog in an open, intimate way - I'm not sure I could do it another way; that's how I am in real life - and because of that it may seem to regular readers, and even casual readers, that you know me. The closer you feel to a person, the more you think you know about their life, the easier it is for them to let you down and disappoint. It's just the way it is.

It's been suggested that I put myself in someone else's shoes. I am empathetic to a fault, but the truth of the matter is that I CAN'T put myself in anyone else's shoes. I can ONLY KNOW my own life. I've often said that one of the reasons my marriage is as healthy as it is, is that early on I figured out that people CANNOT read your mind. If you want something from someone - if you're not getting what you need - you MUST communicate what those needs are! You can't fault anyone for not giving you what you want if you've never told them what it is you need and/or expect. (Now if they don't deliver after that - or your demands are extraordinary - well - that's what couples therapy is for.)

Many times I've felt myself apologizing to people when I talk about my problems, my pains, my disappointments because they just aren't as bad or important as war or famine or disease - or whatever horrible thing you or someone else has had to suffer through. My problems surely aren't as bad as other peoples. But I still have problems. And they're the only problems I know. And because they're my problems and I have to live with them every day, I can't diminish how they make me feel. NEVER APOLOGIZE FOR HOW YOU FEEL. Feelings aren't rational. They oftentimes come out of nowhere and don't make any sense whatsoever but they are what they are and there's nothing you can do about them. If you've got a hangnail and it's making your day as shitty as it possibly could be - THAT IS VALID because you're having a shitty day. There is no need to feel bad about your shitty day because someone else found out that their loved one is very sick. Or they lost their job. Or their kid is being picked on in school. You can feel for those people, sure, but you can still feel bad for yourself.

I think this is really important. We live in a society that is always comparing things - my tv is bigger than yours. Your house is bigger than mine. My stash blows away your stash. Children are starving - why are you still buying yarn? Size matters. And, honestly, I don't see anything wrong with a little healthy competition every now and again. But not when it comes to feelings. My feelings are my feelings and I have every right to feel them - whether you think I'm an ass or not - just like you have a right to your wonderful, horrible, gut wrenching, soul soaring feelings. I would never take that away from you. I would never judge your bad day in the face of all the horribleness happening in this world at any given minute of the day.

I think one of the greatest strengths of humans is the inability to really understand other people. It's our most useful survival mechanism. If we could be in each other's head - if we could actually feel the pain of others - we'd all be doomed. How could we possibly live with the weight of the world literally on our shoulders? As it is, it's enough that we have to feel our own pain. And through that pain, we can imagine what other's might be feeling and show them the compassion we'd want shown to us.

We all know how hard it is to get the people around the us - the people we live with every single day - our partners, our children, our parents, our friends, our co-workers. We SEE them - their body language, their facial expressions, the evidence of the bad hair day, the hang nail, the sore back that makes them moody and belligerant. We HEAR the pain in their voices, the excitement, the pity. We can FEEL their arms around us, the hand on our backs, making us feel that it's going to be okay. All this and we STILL have trouble understanding what they're really all about. As great as the Internet is, there is A LOT missing. Honestly, if I had every one of your phone numbers, I'd call you in a heartbeat - way before I returned an email. I NEED that connection. But since that's not practical (and my husband would plotz at the phone bill) we must make do with this superior, albeit, cold communication. We miss so, so much. We read things wrong all the time. We say the wrong things all the time. I, myself, have hurt people through email and have been hurt through email. I've imagined relationships that weren't really there. I've been disappointed, I've disappointed. I've also found some of my best friendships. A commaraderie that I never imagined I'd find. An understanding I'd never thought I'd realize.

I'm not perfect. I'm human after all. And more than compassion or sympathy or understanding, the one thing I'd like most in this world, the one thing I try very hard to extend (and I fail miserably sometimes) and have extended to me is RESPECT. From respect grows all manners of human kindness.

My Woolee Winder and I have come to a temporary truce.

We've decided to start over from a place of respect. I communicated my needs, and it communicated it's needs and hopefully we'll have some new yarn to show you on Monday.

As always, I know you have a choice on the Internet. Boundless choices, actually. And I fully understand if you don't like what you read here. I encourage you to move on and find something new. But if you choose to stick around, I'd ask you to remember - I can't read your mind. I can't see your face or hear your voice. I don't know how you're feeling and you don't know how I'm feeling unless I tell you. Most of the time that's better for all of us. I hope, though, that to the best of your abilities, you will treat my little corner of the internet with respect. And I promise, to the best of my ability, to treat you with respect. I thank you for spending some of your hard-earned time with me and wish you only the best.

L, C

Posted by Cara at 09:54 AM | Comments (160)

February 05, 2007

Hasta La Vista Baby!

I was planning on a proper post today, but then I had to go down Philly for a funeral. Graveside. A million degrees below zero. Fun times.

Georgie and I are off on vacay tomorrow at an ungodly hour. I'm not sure how much I'll be blogging - we need some alone time, my man and I. I hope to have plenty of knitting and possibly some yarn to show you when I get back - and I hope to see a bunch of knitbloggers while I'm out on the left coast. Email me if you're in the Palo Alto area Friday night.

Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
L, C

Posted by Cara at 08:52 PM | Comments (28)

February 02, 2007

This Blogger's (Silent) Poetry Reading

in keeping with a theme....

Kissing

They are kissing, on a park bench,
on the edge of an old bed, in a doorway
or on the floor of a church. Kissing
as the streets fill with balloons
or soldiers, locusts or confetti, water
or fire or dust. Kissing down through
the centuries under sun or stars, a dead tree,
an umbrella, amid derelicts. Kissing
as Christ carries his cross, as Gandhi
sings his speeches, as a bullet
careens through the air toward a child's
good heart. They are kissing,
long, deep, spacious kisses, exploring
the silence of the tongue, the mute
rungs of the upper palate, hungry
for the living flesh. They are still
kissing when the cars crash and the bombs
drop, when the babies are born crying
into the white air, when Mozart bends
to his bowl of soup and Stalin
bends to his garden. They are kissing
to begin the world again. Nothing
can stop them. They kiss until their lips
swell, their thick tongues quickening
to the budded touch, licking up
the sweet juices. I want to believe
they are kissing to save the world,
but they're not. All they know
is this press and need, these two-legged
beasts, their faces like roses crushed
together and opening, they are covering
their teeth, they are doing what they have to do
to survive the worst, they are sealing
the hard words in, they are dying
for our sins. In a broken world they are
practicing this simple and singular act
to perfection. They are holding
onto each other. They are kissing.

Dorianne Laux
from What We Carry


For more information about the Blogger (Silent) Poetry Reading, please click here. Please feel free to post a poem today that touches you in some way - be it your own, or someone else's. Have a great weekend!

Posted by Cara at 07:39 AM | Comments (31)

January 25, 2007

Blue Morning, Blue Day

Georgie woke up singing this song this morning. We've been on a Foreigner kick lately. We had been talking about them for awhile - did we have their greatest hits? Why didn't we have their greatest hits? And then one day last week or so I got in the car and noticed that the little snowflake was on next to the temperature gauge and all of a sudden "Cold As Ice" came on the radio! I thought what a funny coincidence! We were just talking about Foreigner and now it's cold and here's the song! DUH. Silly me! Georgie had bought the CD and set up the radio so when I turned the car on it would fill with those beginning piano chords. He's so goofy!

Today didn't start out so good. I was feeling physcially better, but kind of anxious. Can I confess something? December was beyond awful. I spent every day terrified about Georgie's illness and anxiety doesn't even begin to slice it. But, and this is a really big but, it was also something of a relief to have something REAL to be anxious about. And it wasn't about me. A lot of the time I spend in my head making up stuff to be freaked out about and feel out of control about and when there is something tangible to ACTUALLY FREAK OUT about with GOOD REASON, well, in all honesty, that's kind of a relief for me. Does that make sense? Because I'd rather panic every day for the rest of my life than have Georgie be sick. I hope I'm making sense.

Anyway. I was feeling kind of bad this morning. Anxiety bad. And still a little physcially bad but mostly anxiety bad so I finished up some work then I decided to run again. Tomorrow is supposed to be BRUTALLY cold around here (maybe not as cold at Zeneedle Land, but still, high of 16, windchills in the negative numbers - that's pretty freaking cold) so I thought if I want to run again this week I better do it today. So I did. And I felt SO much better after. I came in the house and wrote my run down on the calendar and realized that I have run three days a week since the first week of January. Four weeks down! YAY!

I also got a great email from a very happy client. Also YAY!

And early this morning I split up the fronts and back on CPH:

Still loving the project - mainly because I'm loving the Beaverslide! (Worsted Weight, Huckleberry Heather.) I'm thinking I might still knit the fronts and back at the same time. I'll have to keep track of some things a bit more, but it might be nice to turn those cables all at the same time. We'll see. We're going away week after next (Palo Alto peeps! I'm coming out there!) and G keeps saying it's going to be cold and I'd love to have the sweater done by then, but I don't think that's going to happen. I can be fast, but not that fast. Maybe I'll finish it out there. I haven't tackled the math yet, but I think I've got a handle on what needs to be done. Thanks for all the offers of help. And for all the cheering up. I really appreciate it. This day is definitely looking better.

Posted by Cara at 01:46 PM | Comments (44)

January 24, 2007

Heinous

Awful. Horrible. Wicked Bad. All of these adjectives pretty much sum up my day. Yesterday I mentioned how I went to the doctor - well, what I didn't tell you was that I had an unexpected procedure performed that wasn't supposed to be a big deal but ended up being borderline traumatic. Maybe I'm being a bit hyperbolic, but I was incredibly uncomfortable for the entire day and night. Even now, I'm a bit better, but not all better.

When I woke up this morning, still in pain, I decided that I really didn't feel like going to the doctor again today - to be poked and prodded and needled up - so I went on to the doctor's office's website and rescheduled the appointment. Isn't technology great? I can go onto my doctor's office's website and make appointments, cancel appointments, reschedule appointments, refill prescriptions - GREAT! Except they forget to tell you on the appointment page that you'll be charged $200 if you cancel/change the appointment within 24 hours of the scheduled time. Yup. They were nice enough to call me about 45 minutes BEFORE the appoinment to tell me that - when I had no time to get there. I would've gone if I had known. At 7AM I had rescheduled with them for next week - so I'll fight with them when I get there.

Then I went out to run, which was good while I was out there, but now I'm in pain again. And I still have tons of work to do.

To top it all off, I'm about to the part of my CPH where I have to split and then I'm going to have to start on some Knitty Math. I hate Knitty Math.

Suck suck suck suck suck! My day SUCKS! I'm going to go take a nice hot bath and crawl under the covers and close my eyes. Hopefully it will be tomorrow when I open them again.....

How's your day going?

Posted by Cara at 02:10 PM | Comments (53)

January 23, 2007

Say AHHHH!

It's visit your physician week at JO. Today I went to the GYN and tomorrow I go for my annual physical with my GP. Fun times. I'm fat, first of all. If I wanted to be the skinniest I think I could get to - I need to lose about 25 lbs. That's a bummer, no? I told you I've been running, and I have, but I need to incorporate the weights into the program and eventually I have to start eating better. Which actually means I should eat MORE not less. I'm one of those people who can't be bothered with food. That doesn't mean I don't like food, I love lots of things and enjoy eating. It's just a pain in the ass that you have to do it at least three times a day. I hate figuring out what I'm going to eat, I hate preparing it. I've often said if I could take a time release capsule that would give me all the nutrients and stuff I need, I'd be first in line. Now, if you want to cook for me.... Anyway, what I usually end up doing is NOT eating until I'm starving then reaching for the closest frozen food dinner which I scarf down in record time. I rarely snack. Not a big snacker - I eat when I'm starving and I eat bad stuff. And for the last couple of years I've sat on my ass and done nothing. (Well, I've knit a lot, but as much as it pains me, knitting cannot be considered an aerobic activity.) That's why I only have to lose 25 lbs - not a hundred. Bright side, you know?

The doctor today actually didn't say anything about my weight, but my GP tomorrow will. Getting old(er) has many many advantages, but the physical part of it kind of sucks. Oh and I learned today that some of the most valuable people in your life are the ones you can tell ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING too. Nothing is too gross, too gruesome, too shameful, too embarrassing. These are the people to keep close to you. I'm lucky. I've got at least two, possibly three or four people like this in my life. Thank you for listening to me and laughing along with me instead of hanging up the phone. At least I didn't offer to SHOW you what I was talking about. Right?

Lots of work to do, surprisingly. Lots of work. Not sure I'll be blogging tomorrow as I'm off to the Dr. again and I'm swamped. Besides, I've got nothing to show you except the same sweater I showed you the other day. No progress has been made unless you count backwards progress.

I AM LOOKING FOR THE FOLLOWING THREE STR VIRGINS:
Sandy who wrote:
I need STR (socks that rock) because my closet is full of STPACM (socks that prefer adult contemporary music).

Karen who wrote:
I need this yarn because I'm a STR virgin and I've read the Socks That Rock story on your blog and several others. I feel for the ladies but I don't want to commit to a sock club membership before I have a chance to test out their lovely yarn. What better chance than through you? Besides, I'm an avid hiker and it would be great to have some super cozy hiking socks that I knit myself!

Amy O'Dell who wrote:
Because this is how I feel without STR in my life:

Shirts in the closet, shoes in the hall
Mama's in the kitchen, baby and all
Everything is everything
Everything is everything
But you're missing

Coffee cups on the counter, jackets on the chair
Papers on the doorstep, but you're not there
Everything is everything
Everything is everything
But you're missing

O.K., perhaps that song is just too tragic and beautiful for this situation but I bet I got on your good side, didn't I?!?

YOU'VE WON YARN, BUT YOU HAVEN'T RESPONDED TO MY EMAIL ASKING FOR YOUR MAILING ADDRESS. I will send another one, but if you don't email me back by Friday, I will pick three new winners out of the hat. PLEASE CHECK YOUR SPAM FOLDERS. THANK YOU!

Have a great day!

Posted by Cara at 01:52 PM | Comments (32)

January 22, 2007

Photobooth

Nephew #3 and Me

I was in Philly this weekend for nephew #1's super fantastic bowling birthday party. I was in charge of two lanes - the two lanes with the babies, i.e. the kids under 6. Fun times, but I ran those lanes like a dictator. More than one parent thanked me.

The best part of the party (besides my two spares) was the photobooth. If I ever win the lottery I'm totally getting one of these for my gigantic custom-built mansion (that incidentally is a sprawling ranch - isn't it funny how dreams change? I always thought I was a Colonial kind of girl, but not so much anymore.) I think it would be great fun to just step in at random times of the day and see what pops out. It could almost be like a mood ring of sorts. What's my mood right now? But honestly it's probably a good idea that I haven't won the lottery. I'd get even less done than I do now. I have to stop procrastinating.

I didn't knit much this weekend, and when I did it was on CPH. I think I'm getting pretty close to splitting things up. I guess I forgot how fast knits go on size 9 needles. I still love the yarn and the pattern's still good - except my handy dandy row counter tip somehow got pulled out of the row it was tracking and I turned the next cable too early. So I have to rip. It's only like six rows - not a big deal.

What else is going on? It's finally cold where I am - and I'm enjoying it. Especially since superhusband sealed the windows this weekend while I was away and it's now very warm in my house. Even though I never officially joined Runagogo - I'm still running. If I want to I can move up to Week 4 of my program today. I haven't decided yet. I'm not seeing too many results yet - but I feel better. And I love being outside. I LOVE running in the cold. I love getting all bundled up and hitting the pavement and feeling just a little bit chilly and then ten minutes in I'm positively WARM inside and 15-20 minutes in I'm ripping off the gloves and pushing the hat back for a little air-conditioning. LOVE IT! So much better than running in the Summer when you're hot before you even leave the house. The only problem I have is that sometimes my glasses get all fogged up and I can't see. This week I think I'm going to incorporate some weight training. Fun times! (But I'd really like to start seeing some payoff in the near future....)

Thanks for all your comments on the Legacies post - look for a continuation hopefully some time this week. Hey Vicki! Guess what I picked up when I was home?! BUTTONS!

Have a good Monday!

Nephew #3, Sister #2 and Me

Posted by Cara at 09:42 AM | Comments (32)

January 18, 2007

Legacies

Rissie Zeenberg, my maternal grandmother, taught me to knit one fine rainy afternoon. I'm going to guess it was the fall of 2002, although I'm not a hundred percent sure. She gave me some pink plastic needles and some Day-Glo Orange Red Heart and set me on my way. My grandmother is definitely more of a seamstress than a knitter, although she's knit lots of great stuff, and she's always amazed at what I can do with two needles, some yarn and one very quick lesson. I guess it was the right place at the right time because I'm not the only grandchild to ask her to teach them how to knit, but I'm definitely the only one that's really stuck with it (read: become obsessed.) What she says, though, is that I remind her of my other grandmother, my paternal grandmother, Harriet Davis. My nana stopped knitting after suffering an aneurysm and a massive stroke when I was nine. She was the real knitter in the family, as my grandmom likes to say, churning out Arans of every size for the whole family. I remember those sweaters very well - but I have no idea what happened to them. The really sad part is that I have no memory of my nana knitting. As I said, she had the stroke when I was nine, and while she recovered enough to live on her own for another ten years, she was never the same afterward. She had to relearn to walk and talk and her left side was always very weak. Sometimes, though, when I knit night after night, I like to think that I'm like her, this grandmother I barely knew - I've got her knitting gene. And that makes me so very happy.

Rosie's Yarn Cellar, one of my favorite Philly knitting shops, has decided on a new book policy for the store (via Go Knit In Your Hat.) They've decided that they've had it with books insulting their grandmothers. You know the ones - they claim a million hip trendy knits - the "not your grandmother's knitting" knits. On the store's blog, they talk about beginning knitting books that dumb everything down, with lots of big needles and lots of scarves. And how, at their store, they challenge their beginning knitters with fair isle and dpns. I've knit exactly ONE scarf in my life, and I hated just about every minute of it. I've knit three hats - okay four - if you count the fun fur extravaganza. I don't wear hats and I don't wear scarves and I pretty much knit for myself so that's that. My first real project, after a million and half swatches, was a 5'x6' four color slip stitch blanket that I knit with acrylic. It was also my foray into circular needles (for knitting flat.) We use it all the time. The only lesson I had had was my grandmother teaching me to knit and purl. That's it. Whenever people email me with questions - they can't do this, it's too hard - what's too hard? Everything is either knitting or purling with some variety thrown in! That's it! And the best part about knitting is if you try it and it doesn't work, you can rip and try again. And again and again and again. Eventually you'll figure it out.

Anyway, back to the books and grandmothers. For the most part I agree with Rosie's policy. Part of the problem is that I don't think there's enough variety out there in knitting books. It all sort of seems the same to me. That's what I thought was so fantastic about Mason Dixon Knitting - if you were something of a beginner - there were plenty of projects to knit and feel comfortable with. If you were a more advanced knitter, it was the perfect jumping off point for boundless creativity. (Visions of log cabins are ALWAYS dancing in my head....) And the best part of the book was WHATEVER your skill level, it NEVER SPOKE DOWN to you! Never assumed you couldn't knit anything you put your mind to. Maybe that's the problem with all these "not your grandmother's knitting" books. It's not that their' knitting scarves on big needles, it's that they're actually assuming that my grandmother's knitting was too complicated and intricate and time-consuming for my whirlwind fantastic super fast super terrific life. Why would I want to slow things down, with small(er) needles and charts and new skills? We are, after all, an instant gratification society. I also think that books like these - Knit it fast! Knit it fun! - and their publishers buy into the whole "knitting as trend" philosophy rather than the knitting as art or knitting as craft (or knitting is FOREVER) attitude. Popular or not popular, I have no plans to stop knitting anytime soon. Just some thoughts. Talk amongst yourselves.

Speaking of knitting, things are finally going well with my Central Park Hoodie. I'm a couple rows away from my fourth cable turn and all is well. I'm loving the yarn. The pattern is easy. I'm doing the back and fronts all in one piece up the armholes, and once I figured out how to read a chart, it was smooth sailing. I basically have taken out one stitch at each back end and one stitch at each front end (where the fronts meet the back) so that the ribbing all matched out. These are the stitches that would've been used for seaming - and since I won't have any seams in the body - I won't need them. I'm planning on doing the sleeves at the same time as well.

The yarn, as you know, is Beaverslide's 90% Merino/10% Kid Mohair in the Huckleberry Heather color. I'm really enjoying knitting with it - even with the 10% Mohair. I don't notice it all and the yarn is soft enough and it's about as hairy as the Cascade 220 Heather I used for Ariann. So no problems. I will mention that every now and again I come across a knot in one of the plys of this two-ply yarn. It's not that big of a deal - I just snip the knot out and spit splice it all back together. No biggie. It might bother some people though, so I thought I should mention. Other than that, I'm enjoying the yarn so much I bought enough for two more sweaters! Excellent value too. Each skein holds at least 200 yds.

I'm having fun with the cables - it seems like a long time since I've done cables. And, yes, I use a cable needle. I LIKE my cable needle. I can see if you were doing a really complicated piece where you had to cable every five seconds you might want to master cabling without the needle, and maybe I will someday coughAmKamincough, but for now I like my needle. I also came up with a handy dandy method of keeping track of my rows. I don't like all those row counter thingamabobs and I like my stitch markers very plain, so every row that I turn the cable I loop a long piece of thread through the first stitch and that's how I keep count. Want to see?

I like it nice and long because that way it doesn't fall out. Not brain science in the least, but it works for me and since you all seem to like the tips and things.... Thanks for all the nice comments about my brief tutorial yesterday. You're very kind, but don't expect to see that kind of stuff around here very often. I'll leave the lessons to the experts. I'm just fuddling along like everyone else!

One last thing - I'm THRILLED to tell you all that G-ROCKS and January One are now for sale over at Blue Moon. Their website's working just fine and you can all go buy buy buy! THANK YOU!

Posted by Cara at 04:23 PM | Comments (64)

January 02, 2007

If I could walk 500 miles

dudes, I would be in GREAT shape. As it were, I'm not in any kind of shape these days. Did you see what Rachael's doing? The 100 Miles by April 1st thing? Yeah, I'm not signing on per se, but let's just say I strapped the girls down into my new sports bra and headed out on the trail today. I'm not making any resolutions here - I'm more in the MamaCate camp in that regard. The older I get the nicer I try to be to myself - if I make a resolution it's kind of like setting yourself up for failure. So I'm making an INTENTION. My goal is to be running at least 20 minutes straight by April 1. I'm doing a ten week beginning runners program and I've given myself about a three week cushion. I should be able to do it. But all I can do is my best.

Along with running comes trying to live healthier. Baby steps though - once the running gets back into habit mode the rest may just fall into place (eating better, sleeping better, all of that.) At the least I'm going to try to be more conscious about my health. I want to feel good - I don't really care what I look like to be honest. Would I like to lose fifteen pounds? Sure I would but more than that I'd like to be comfortable in the clothes I already own and feel better - have more energy - get rid of some aches and pains that have been creeping in along with the years. Blah blah blah. Same as everyone else, I suppose.

The birthday was grand in that it was a total nonevent. It may seem oxymoronic but having such a big birthday (I mean, who are we kidding? The whole WORLD celebrates it!), which I love, don't get me wrong, puts just a tad bit of pressure on you. Because of that I like my birthday to be sort of normal. Which it was. In totally normal fashion, I ran some errands, got a headache from the rain, knit on my socks, watched some decent movies and cuddled with my honey and really that's all I can ask. And of course I was treated to wonderful birthday greetings from all of you every time I sat down at the computer! Thank you for making the day so special, but not overwhelming in any way. ;-)

Speaking of socks, here's how the G-Rocks January One socks are progressing:

I continue to love the stripey goodness and I can totally see the advantage to doing two socks at the same time. Because when you're done - you'll have a PAIR of socks. It does seem to be going quite slow and I'm a little bit daunted by the fact that when I'm done I will have one of each pair, but I love this yarn so much that it doesn't really matter. It always surprises me when I haven't knit with Socks That Rock for awhile and then go back to it how soft and wonderful this yarn is - FOR ME. Others might not have the same opinion but I do love this yarn and often times wonder why I knit with anything else.

Now I need your help with a problem. I bought these new fantastic shoes - Dansko Camilla in Black Oiled Leather - and they're super cute, feel good and show off my socks spectacularly. BUT when I wore them the other day I noticed that the edge of the lip rubbed against my socks in a very bad way. Here are some pictures to illustrate:

You see, I had a lot of fuzziness/pilling/whatever at the edge of my heel - right where you start to turn the heel on the sock. When I got home, I shaved it down a little bit and it looks fine now, but I'm afraid this will wear my socks out really fast. I could leave the pilling, but it doesn't look so pretty - or I could not wear handknit socks with these shoes (not really an option since these are the only socks I have now) or I could hope that with wear the shoes will stretch and relax and the back won't cause pilling. The shoes are absolutely the right size. And there's nothing really sticking out or anything on the lip - nothing that I could sand down or some solution like that. Anybody have these shoes, or shoes like them and have any suggestions? I have enough socks to alternate a lot so that I'm not wearing down the same socks over and over, but still - I don't want to unnecessarily makes them wear out faster. Thanks for the ideas.

Thank you again for all of your good wishes - birthday, holiday, health-wise - over the past few weeks. They have meant more than you can know and as always I thank you so much for spending some of your valuable time here with me. I wish all good things for all of us in the new year!

Posted by Cara at 02:02 PM | Comments (46)

January 01, 2007

January 1, 1976

Posted by Cara at 03:52 AM | Comments (245)

December 27, 2006

Turnabout is Fair Play

Recently I received a letter from some kind lawyers asking me to take down some words on my website that infringed upon their client's trademark. Even though we all got a HUGE laugh out of it and talked about the ridiculousness of lawyers and putting words together seemingly erroneously, it IS serious business and I complied with their request ASAP. The words they asked me to remove have indeed been removed.

Imagine my surprise to find that the same thing has happened to ME! Someone has copied some of my words, written here on this blog, and used them as their own. Not only didn't they give me credit for the words, but they didn't ask my permission. So just in case anyone forgot:

As we all know, mistakes can happen. I didn't know that putting two words together would get me a letter from a lawyer, and once I found out, I fixed my mistake. Maybe this person doesn't understand that copying a post from my blog, or taking pictures without permission is wrong. Maybe YOU don't know that. And that's okay. Not everyone can know everything all of the time. But I'm telling you now that it's wrong. If you have any doubts at all, err on the side of caution and ASK the owner of said material. They may say yes, use it - they may say yes with certain qualifications or they may say no. Every answer is appropriate because THEY OWN IT.

I'm not going to say what it is I found or where I found it because I'm going to give this person the benefit of the doubt for a little bit. So don't go looking around trying to defend my honor or anything - thank you for having my back - but I'll let you know when I need you.

Thanks for listening and reading and not stealing, as always. ;-)

FYI: Linking to someone is FINE. That's what blogs are supposed to do - you link to another site. Do it ALL THE TIME. Even quoting a part of a post is fine, in my book, as long as you link back to the original and SAY where you got it from. In this case, someone copied an ENTIRE post of mine and published it AS THEIR OWN on their blog without any credit or permission or anything. That is BLATANTLY WRONG. Please don't go all paranoid on me. ;-) You can use brand names too, by the way. I was joking in this post when I wrote out Mac and Apple and Xerox and Kleenex with asterisks. You don't have to do that. And as to the question as to how I found the post, I happened to link back to myself in my own post, so it came up in one of the links to this site. HAHAHAHAHA! I caught myself! ;-)

Oh and It's NOT YOU! I have attempted to contact this person in various ways, so if you haven't received an email from me asking you to take down the offending material, then DON'T WORRY! It's ALL GOOD!

UPDATE! All over folks. The content has been removed and peace has been restored to this little part of the kingdom. Thank you all for playing.

Posted by Cara at 11:44 AM | Comments (21)

December 25, 2006

Posted by Cara at 10:12 AM

December 18, 2006

Yes, Georgie, THERE IS A SANTA CLAUS!!!!!

I'm ready to celebrate my fucking birthday because today we got THE BEST NEWS EVER!!!!! NO MORE CANCER!!!! The pound of flesh they cut out of my beloved's body is cancer free and so are his lymph nodes. So tonight, we've got a little bit of this:

And a little bit of this:

And a whole lot of THIS!!! (Make sure you click the link - you will NOT be disappointed.)

We can't thank you all enough for your good wishes and prayers. It's meant the world to us. And to celebrate, look for a BONANZA BIRTHDAY GIVE AWAY coming soon.

LOVE LOVE LOVE!
Cara and George

Posted by Cara at 09:44 PM | Comments (284)

December 13, 2006

Knit On

with confidence and hope, through all crises.

That Zimmerman chick might have known what she was talking about. I think this sweater, Ariann, saved my life yesterday. But first, the surgery went fine and G now has an approximately 8" gash along his side and he's quite comfortable actually and we don't know anything. They told us we'll know something between Xmas and New Year's - like two weeks. The torture continues.

I knit A LOT on Ariann yesterday - I finished the sleeves and added a few repeats to the body and joined the whole thing up and knit the first set of decreases for my size. I've got a lot more to do but I want this sweater DONE. It's incredibly tantalizing to be almost there so I keep knitting and knitting. Yesterday this sweater felt like my only friend. I've waited for G to get out of surgery many times before - but those were always orthopedic surgeries where they come out and tell me he's got to do PT and he'll be fine. This was SO MUCH different. First of all, I was alone. Which was my own fault because I had lots of people offer to sit with me. I just thought it wouldn't be a big deal since I've waited out surgery alone lots of times. I had my knitting, right? Man was I wrong. This was the absolute worst. The waiting area was huge and packed with families all waiting and I overheard what felt like a hundred awful stories and everyone is so anxious it's like the AIR is anxious and it's noisy and crowded and it was all I could do to keep my head down and knit and knit and knit. If you should, god forbid, ever have to wait out surgery in a cancer hospital, my advice to you is to bring a friend.

But it's over now and the waiting at home continues on and January One can't come soon enough. If I'm lucky I'll have a beautiful new sweater and a healthy happy family to go with the day. We continue to appreciate and thank you for all your good wishes. Thank you. Thank you.

Posted by Cara at 10:52 AM | Comments (56)

December 11, 2006

Last Call

Everyone who ordered notecards - they went out today! I spent the whole day boxing and labeling and I hope you're thrilled. It turns out I have about 30 boxes left, so I'm putting up the For Sale sign one more time.

Palette Blank NoteCards

Box of eight press printed notecards. 5"x7" glossy card stock. Blank inside. Envelopes included with each box. All cards in box are the same. $4.50 shipping and handling charge added to each purchase. Quantities are limited.

Thank you! I promise this blog will not turn into a look what I'm selling this week blog. If I sell the notecards again, I will be giving them their own site. I'm thinking of doing the sheep cards press printed as well and maybe some other series. That won't happen until the new year so this is it. Thank you for your patience.

I've got no pictures for you because it's dark out and I'm just sitting down to do stuff. I sincerely apologize for all of the lost weekends out there because of my last post. I won't link to it or the game lest I be accused of getting people fired, losing their jobs, or ruining their home lives. I managed to get to level 28 and then I got stuck. And then I stopped going back to it. I think I will try again, but for now I'm satiated. Snood isn't really doing it for me lately either.

And Ariann is freaking killing me! Don't get me wrong - I've written a lot lately about putting things down when you are not satisfied with a project and the pain I'm feeling with Ariann is absolutely NOT that. This is oh my god when are the sleeves going to end pain. I'm still completely enamored with the finished product and the more I see of Ariann around the blogs the more I love it. That said, I'm still not done with the sleeves. I worked on them all day yesterday hoping to get them finished and I did complete all of the increases, but I still have like three inches to go to get to what the pattern states and then I'm going to tack on a few repeats because of my short row gauge. And then I was measuring the body again and it somehow shrunk so I've got a few repeats on that as well. My new goal is to somehow get all the knitting on the sleeves and the body done tonight and join it together so that when I'm sitting in the hospital all day tomorrow I will have something exciting to keep me occupied. I'll be bringing an unfinished sock as well in case I can't concentrate.

Tomorrow is G's surgery and I won't be blogging. Chances are we'll be leaving pretty early for the hospital and a lot of the day will be hurry up and wait. I will try to update when I can - we probably won't have any news good or bad for a while yet.

Thank you for your continued good wishes.
L, C

Posted by Cara at 05:12 PM | Comments (60)

December 06, 2006

A Pound of Flesh

We went to the Cancer Hospital today which is possibly the saddest place on Earth. But everyone is extra friendly which somehow makes it sadder. Like you have to get cancer for humans to extend a bit of courtesy and warmth. I know that's not really true but sometimes it feels like that. And yes I'm still a little bit bitter.

Next Tuesday G will have surgery to remove a wide area around the lesion (he's calling it his pound of flesh) and at the same time they will biopsy the lymph nodes where the melanoma may have spread. The doctor we saw today told us we have every reason to be very optimistic that it hasn't spread, so that's what we're going to be. If it hasn't spread, that's it. It's done. There's nothing more to do except be vigilant with sunscreen for the rest of his VERY LONG life. If it has spread, well, then, that opens up a whole other can of worms but we're not going to go there. If the expert doctor told us to be optimistic then there's no reason NOT to be. We won't know the results of the biopsy for around two weeks.

Which leaves me about a week before my birthday. G's been asking me if there's anything I want for my birthday and I told him that the only thing I will ever want for the rest of my birthdays is for our family to be healthy. But this year especially for HIM to be healthy. That's all I want. There was a question in the comments about where to send me a birthday present - thank you so much for thinking of me, but no presents are necessary. If you INSIST on doing something for my birthday, please consider a donation to the Skin Cancer Foundation or a charity of your choice. That would be the best present ever - besides my husband being healthy.

Thank you all for your comments on yesterday's post. I'm in awe of all of you! There is so much to learn from each other if only we could get over our own hangups - you know? Remind me next time to tell you about the summer I thought I should be admitted to a mental hospital - now that's a DOOZY! ;-)

Off to knit more sleeves....

Posted by Cara at 04:53 PM | Comments (40)

December 05, 2006

Story Time

Gather round, kids – Auntie Cara’s going to tell you a story. If you sit quietly and listen – there will be a knitting treat at the end.

I’m glad my post yesterday hit such a nerve with so many of you and all day as I read your comments I thought about how I came to know what I know in my life. I thought I’d tell you a little bit more about me.

It was fourteen years ago – almost to the day really – that I had my first existential crisis. It was to be the first of many and in retrospect hardly the worst, but it taught me one of the most important lessons of my life. I was weeks away from my 23rd birthday – just a baby really – and I was preparing my first papers for graduate school. I was supposed to be living the dream: one year out of college I was accepted to a very prestigious graduate school in a PhD program in a subject I loved (Philosophy of Religion – Theological Existentialism – specializing in Kierkegaard.) I was commuting back and forth to Philly from North Jersey for school – living with the love of my life – preparing to write papers on my favorite subjects. I had worked for this for years – it was my dream come true.

And then I couldn’t write the papers. I did all the research and made all the notes and I couldn’t write. Every day that I couldn’t write I got sicker and sicker. Anxiety attacks. Nausea. I could barely leave the house I was so panicked. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I thought I was either dying or going crazy. Or both.

I went home for my birthday and I remember driving around with my mother and I told her that I didn’t think I wanted to go to graduate school anymore. Instantly I felt better. Instantly it felt right. This wasn’t what I wanted to do. Of course, the anxiety didn’t end there – I had to actually drop out of school. I had to tell my father, who had hung banners of this prestigious school all over his office walls and told everyone he met that his 22 yr old daughter was in a PhD program. I had to tell the school – where I was supposed to be TAing a class the next semester. I had to tell Georgie. But most of all I had to convince myself that it was okay not to do this – this thing I had wanted to do for years. Had worked hard for – had made a commitment to – not just on paper but in my heart and soul. The visions I had of my future were all academic – I would be off summers to raise our kids. The ivy halls would become my home. We’d travel to the best jobs. I’d start smoking a pipe and have leather patches on my elbows. The saddest part of the whole thing was that the 2 hour train rides back and forth from home were my favorite part of the day. And if you’ve ever commuted on Amtrak you know that that’s pretty pathetic.

So I came home from my parents and told Georgie that I wanted to quit school. I was sitting in his lap in our old apartment and he was holding me and I was crying and without missing a beat he said I’ll take care of you. Possibly the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. Really. And we were so young then.

I did drop out. I threw up in my father’s office before I had to go talk to school but they seemed to understand and I’ve never had any contact with them again. I came home and continued to have anxiety attacks. I didn’t work. I took up pottery. And then I started to look for a job. I needed a job. The week before I was supposed to start a new job I had the worst anxiety attacks of my life (up to that point – unfortunately they would actually get worse much later on.) I started seeing a psychiatrist. I started my new job and the first week of work I popped a Xanax before I left home every day. Eventually everything got better and the anxiety lessened and I realized some things about myself and my life.

Deciding that I didn’t want to go to graduate school – deciding that I didn’t want to spend at least seven years of my life being miserable doing a job I was never going to enjoy doing – doesn’t mean I QUIT. It means I made a DECISION that something was not right for me. As a life long perfectionist taught to finish what you start, deciding that this wasn’t the best thing for me was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. On paper it really does look like I couldn’t do it and I quit. But that’s not how real life works. I remember talking to a good friend afterward and she told me how strong she thought I was – I laughed because here I was paralyzed with fear – and she said no – I was strong because she would never have left the program and would’ve been stuck there forever. I guess I was strong but really I was just insane. My body and mind forced my hand in making this decision because I was making myself sick. It had to stop.

I learned, too, that I had to grieve for this person, this vision of what I would not become. I would never be a professor. Never be a Kierkegaardian scholar. And THANK GOD for that because I would be one of the most miserable people in the world right now and my life wouldn’t be anything like it is and despite some blips in the road here and there, I have a fantastic life. I love it just the way it is – ever changing but true to me.

The moral of this story is to listen to your insides. If they’re making you crazy sit up and listen! Deciding that some path or relationship or situation is WRONG for YOU doesn’t make you a quitter. It makes you smart and content and it may take a while to see these things through – I was pretty miserable for a long time after I left graduate school – but eventually you will be all the better for it.

I may have taken this advice too much to heart at times – I’m on my fourth career now – and I’ve been INCREDIBLY fortunate to have the support I have from my husband and my family in all the endeavors I’ve undertaken. But I’ve always worked very hard for what I’ve done and what I’ve had and continue to have.

I’m not sure why I’m telling you all this today – maybe because I feel a receptive audience or maybe because I’ve been thinking about my life a lot lately, but here it is. It’s good to share and if maybe one of you is kind to yourself and realizes that you aren’t where you want to be or need to be and finds some courage in this post and gives yourself permission to CHANGE, not quit, then I’m happy. What’s a life lived if you can’t share it with others?

Thank you for listening. Now onto the knits.

Here's the blocking rug shot of Ariann, ala Bonne Marie:

I just realized the color is WAY off. I must have changed the white balance and didn't notice. There's no blue in this green at all. See here for accurate color. And another shot of the body:

Yesterday was sleeve day. I love doing both sleeves at the same time when I knit sweaters. There's nothing worse than finishing the back and the fronts and one sleeve only to have to knit ANOTHER sleeve before you're done. So I do both sleeves at the same time. Also, this helps when you fuck things up on one sleeve - the same fuck-up occurs on the second sleeve and you can therefore call it a design element. Voila! The sleeves for Ariann are knit in the round, so this was also a good opportunity to learn how to knit two things at once on two circulars which is my preferred way of knitting small circumferences. I looked at all the websites and couldn't figure out the freaking cast on. This has been my problem before. So I solved it myself. The pattern has you start knitting the sleeves on small needles, so I cast on the sleeves on BIGGER needles. I joined the first sleeve in the round then transferred it to the smaller needles. Then I cast on the SECOND sleeve on the bigger needles, joined that one in the round and transferred it to the smaller needles. Two sleeves on two circulars! It worked (after the second or third attempt and one rip out because I thought I had the wrong number of stitches but really I just read the pattern wrong.) Things were going along swimmingly until around midnight last night when I realized that I made a mistake on ONE sleeve, but not the other (only I can fuck up a design element.) So I ripped the bad sleeve while leaving the good sleeve intact on temporary needles - knit until the bad sleeve caught back up to the good sleeve and put them both back on the needles and we were on our merry way. It's slow going knitting both sleeves at the same time, but when I'm done - I'm DONE (with the sleeves at least.) I'm not sure I would do this with socks though. Don't ask me why, but it feels like I wouldn't do this with socks. Maybe. We'll see.

Sorry if I got a bit preachy or pedantic up there. I'm just trying to spread the love. And save the cheerleader.
L, C

Posted by Cara at 10:06 AM | Comments (130)

November 28, 2006

I'm a Capricorn and he's got Cancer.

Super humoungous out of control points to whomever can name the song I mangled for today's title. Seriously. You will get huge props here at January One.

Sooooo. Where was I? Oh yeah. Coming off possibly the worst weekend of my life, we now have no more information than we did when we started. Well, that's not exactly true. We're a bit less worried that the melanoma has spread throughout his body - basically because he's had a chest x-ray and blood work up the wazoo in the past 30 days and not one test came back abnormal - so we're taking that as a good sign. Please don't tell me to think otherwise. I beg of you. Also, the lesion they removed was 1.4mm which in melanoma terms is not fantastic, but it's not super bad either. Although we have reason to believe it's probably thicker than that because the melanoma had spread to the margins. Bottom line is that he's got an appointment at Sloane-Kettering next Wednesday and hopefully we'll know more then. The next step is a sential node mapping and only then will we have the information we'll need. I don't know when that will be scheduled.

For the next week, or until we know something definitively, we're trying to get back to normal. As normal as normal can be once Cancer has stepped into your life. Adapt or die. And dying is absolutely NOT an option.

What's normal for me? I'm still working, which is good. Keeping me busy. And my house is an absolute disaster, so I have some huge cleaning/organizing projects to look forward to now that G won't be home from the surgery - or at least not the surgery we thought he'd be home from. And knitting. Blessed, blessed knitting. I picked up the Casino shawl a few days ago and managed to work through about ten rows slowly. I like it pretty well, but it's still very hard to see the pattern emerging - I haven't even finished one repeat yet - and the rows are very long.

Today, though, after reading Margene's post, I became obsessed with Ariann! I'm hoping to use some Jo Sharp I've got in the stash, but I'm not sure and of course I want to cast on RIGHT NOW. I can't imaging anything better than wrapping myself in a soft sweater. I wish it was done already.

Thank you all for your comments and concern and love. It means so much to us. For right now, though, I'd like to get back to my crazy fucked up kind of normal. Next time I know anything, I'll be sure to share.

L, C

Posted by Cara at 12:34 PM | Comments (94)

November 22, 2006

Take Your Turkey and SHOVE IT!

It's officially official. I HATE Thanksgiving. Hate it. Will never ever never enjoy it again.

Four years ago on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, G and I found out that we would have an incredibly difficult time getting pregnant.

I thought I hated Thanksgiving then, but now the deal's been sealed.

My beloved husband won't be having surgery on Monday to fix his damaged hip - the one that gives him so much pain sometimes he can't sleep at night. Why won't he be having this surgery? Because he has Skin Cancer. We found out today, the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, that the lesion he had removed last week is Melanoma.

You know what? I'm not thankful. I'm not thankful that my young beautiful courageous generous adoring husband will have to face yet another physical battle. I'm not thankful at all.

I give thanks every single day that I'm lucky enough to spend my days with this man. Why should I have to separate out a special day to do that? Especially a day that gives me no thanks back.

Bitter? You bet. And I'm not going to apologize for it.

I'm closing the comments on this post because honestly I can't deal with all the good wishes and stories about this person or that person who survived the mole they had removed above their ear. I want to feel badly and I want to cry and I want to go and hold my husband.

I'll be back on Saturday to sell shit, because, well Daddy needs another new doctor.

I am thankful for one thing, though, and that's you. Thank you for reading my blog.

Posted by Cara at 09:59 PM

November 17, 2006

A Shot in the Arm

Something's wrong with me. I've been working so hard, so efficiently it's like I'm a shark and if I stop somehow I'll die. Stress has pushed my normal waking time back an hour and stretched my bedtime to the wee hours. I'm crazed; last night I actually did something so productive, so pre-emptive that I'm beginning to scare myself. For each job I send out, I wrap up the box top that the album I give with the photo package comes in (it's got a big label on the box and the box is black and the label's white and it's an odd size box precluding me from buying plain empty boxes so this is the best way I've found to cover the label.) It's sort of a pain - something I usually leave until the last minute and then rush to get the job out and spend all day preparing stuff and I always say I should really take one day and wrap all the boxes so I can just pull one off the shelf, etc. etc. LAST NIGHT I WRAPPED TEN BOXES. This is unheard of in my little world. I'm actually prepared for a change.

And not only am I working hard to get everything done, but I'm churning out some of the BEST work I've ever produced. Photographs that make me feel incredibly proud of my work. Like I'm not some faker with a camera. I wish I could show you some of my stuff, but I don't really feel comfortable with that - I do photograph kids for my living and every picture I show has a signed model release behind it. I take this Internet stuff seriously.

I've got three more shoots this weekend and then another incredible push to get the work out next week and then my season is essentially over. I won't be shooting anymore. I really wish we could just cancel Thanksgiving. It would make my life SO much easier. SO MUCH. As it is I think I might just be running down to Philly for dinner and coming right back up. I've got ten days to get as much done as I can. Ten days. And my house is in incredibly bad shape. That needs to be taken care of before G comes home from the hospital.

Knitting is non-existant. My poor Casino shawl lies in it's half tinked-back row state where I left it LAST Friday. Yesterday I sat in two doctors' offices, a hospital waiting area and the DMV and I didn't take out my knitting once - even though I had two socks and the shawl with me. Yes, folks, it's come to this. I'd rather stare at the walls at the DMV than knit. It'll come back - there will be lots and lots of knitting time next month.

Yesterday also marked a new day in my relationship with my husband. I had to give him an injection - and I'm gearing up to give him the next one shortly. The doctors want him to take Procrit for the next ten days to boost his hemoglobin before surgery as a precautionary measure against blood transfusions during and after surgery. His hemoglobin is normally a bit low due to Thalassemia - a condition prevalent among Meditteranean types, i.e. Greeks and Italians. (Specifically he has Beta Thalassemia Minor.) So I'm giving him shots. Good thing I'm an old pro at it having given myself shots for the IVF. They're little insulin needles - barely a prick, but still. I never thought I'd ever have to do this. The doctor told us this is what the athletes take when they do blood doping. That made G feel a little bit better about it.

And just so you don't think it's all fun and games over here - there's an emotional element as well. I think I might be working so hard - working so freaking efficiently and single-mindedly - to keep my fears at bay. The other night it didn't work so well. I was multi-tasking in bed - writing lists of all the things I need to get done before the 27th and while simultaneously editing Yarnival! when suddenly I remembered I needed a shower. (Yeah. That's how bad it's gotten.) So I flipped back the bed covers and headed to the shower. When I got back to bed I discovered that I left a hot pink sharpie open on the bed.

My brand new midnight blue duvet cover and my gorgeous new down comforter were covered in hot pink ink. I literally became hysterical. I haven't cried that hard since the summer. ;-) Georgie came running into the bedroom thinking I was dying or something and he was so upset that I was so upset which only made me more upset. This just about killed me. The next day I went out and bought a new duvet cover. Excessive maybe, but it made me feel so much better. The stained one will go on the guest bed. The down comforter, well, now it matches the old comforter which had a huge ketchup stain on it. Don't ask. I'm consoling myself with the fact that it probably didn't ruin the down and the comforter will always be inside a duvet. Still, though, I want to cry everytime I see it. Judge my drama not, less you leave a sharpie open on your bed.

Posts will probably be sporadic at best for the next couple of weeks. I'm afraid that sitting in the OR waiting room will be the first time I actually stop moving in weeks. I just hope I can knit.

Posted by Cara at 07:57 AM | Comments (73)

November 14, 2006

In the ZONE

DUDES!!! I KICKED ASS yesterday work-wise. KICKED IT! Seriously worked hard and saw RESULTS for it. So today, since I've got nothing knit wise (I haven't picked up the sticks in a couple of days, to be honest) I thought I'd show where my butt will be plastered from this second until they wheel G into the operating room.

This is my messy, messy desk:

Snood baby! I did not play Snood in college, or graduate school. Well, that's not true - I played in my last stint in graduate school. And I have to say, contrary to ruining my life, Snood has helped me in many ways. I'm like Dr. B. in the comments yesterday. She said it helped her through school because it centered her - for me it's a really great way to open my mind a bit and relax. I used to play one or two games before I would start writing. In a zen sort of way, I would forget all about Snood and start the writing process before I ever opened up the word processing program. Admittedly, it has gotten out of hand once or twice, and for the longest time I wasn't playing at all. But then I stopped visiting certain websites that caused me much grief (fertility stuff) and since then I've had some free computer time so I've picked up Snood again. Yesterday I upgraded. That new Armageddon level is a bitch.

I almost forgot - here's my calendar shot for Deb:

BOOOORING! But necessary. Got to keep track of stuff.

Georgie knows this guy (and when I say know I mean has played tennis with him once or twice - you'll see why I make this designation in a minute. It's not like they're friends or anything.) who developed Deep Vein Thrombosis. Know how he got it? By sitting at his computer for hours on end playing online poker. (You see now why I said Georgie just knows the guy, not really KNOWS the guy? L O S E R.) So my superfantastic friend Ann has taken to calling me every fifteen minutes to tell me to stretch my legs a bit. Her whining concern coupled with the 8 gallons of water I've been drinking are making it hard for me to sit still.

She really has nothing to worry about because I rarely stay in one position for long. I try to start out at my desk like this:

But quickly move to this position:



Although most of the time I sit like this:

I want you to know, I put shorts on just for you. ;-)
Back to the grind. Don't forget. YARNIVAL! tomorrow.

Posted by Cara at 09:59 AM | Comments (22)

November 13, 2006

Just Another Manic Monday

Last night I dreamed that I had been elected to the Senate AND the House of Representatives (yes - at the same time - my dream ego is large) but I had to turn them both down because I have too many pictures to process.

Suffice it to say, I'm really busy. Things have kicked into HIGH GEAR at little old CDC Photography and I'm trying really hard to get most things done by 11/27. Which means there are abandoned knits strewn willy nilly all through my house. I tried seaming up some of my squares from the other day, and turns out? I suck at garter stitch seams. In my defense the fact that these seams were knit on the bias might have something to do with that. (By the way, thank you all so much for your support of my crazy projects. It means a lot to me that I can share this stuff with you. Georgie is patient and says the right thing, but somehow I don't think he really cares about whether to increase every row or every other row, or whether or not you should slip the first stitch. And god help me - don't ask him about color.) I started back on the Casino shawl and got to the end of row 1 and realized that I had made a mistake somewhere because I have an extra stitch. I found the mistake about a 1/4 way INTO the row. Did I mention there are 300 stitches on the needles? I tinked back about halfway and then had to do something else so it's still sitting there. Untinked and unknit.

Half knit socks are everywhere. It's quite sad.

I understand now why I went crazy with the Jaywalker at this time last year. IT WAS EASY! I could knit those socks in my sleep and I practically did and the yarn kept things interesting and it soothed me after a day in front of the computer. I can tell already that I miss socks. But for some reason, OF COURSE!, not the ones I'm knitting RIGHT NOW. Such is the craziness I live with every day.

Yarnival's due in two days. DUDE. I totally forgot.

The only thing keeping me sane is SNOOD. But I warn you. DO NOT START PLAYING THIS GAME. It will suck you in like a straw trying to get those last remaining drops of a vanilla McDonald's milkshake. THOOOOOOOOT! DANGER! DANGER! I'm warning you - for your own good - DO NOT PLAY SNOOD.

PS - In my brain addled ness I keep forgetting to mention something VERY IMPORTANT! The fabulous Wendy has set up a fundraiser for my favorite charity Heifer International. She's giving away some FANTASTIC prizes - so hurry up and show her the money!!!

Posted by Cara at 09:10 AM | Comments (26)

November 08, 2006

Wednesday

WTF, Random, Walk with me, Hump Day - whatever you want to call it, it's still freaking Wednesday.

I've been wholly unproductive this week during a time when I should be doing NOTHING but working. The weather sucks ruining my one and only plan for the day (I may actually have no choice but to get work done) and my knitting is only blah. I fixed the Pomatomus sock out of desperation yesterday (I can only go so many days without knitting) and that was only because I'm at a standstill on the Casino shawl. Yup. You heard me. A standstill. After a WHOPPING three chart rows. In my defense, each row is 300+ stitches.

I ended up starting it on 7s, but I'm not feeling the love all of a sudden. I'm worried that when I block it the 7s will be too open. I want the pattern to show, not be a cobwebby mess of holes. So. Do I continue on in the 7s doing one whole repeat and then decide to rip, or do I rip now and go back to 6s. My swatch isn't helping at all, to be honest. I washed it and sort of blocked it and it's softer than soft but when stretched it looks down right meshy all over the place - 6s and 7s. One of the things I liked about the 7s pre-wash was the drape. But really - once it's all done and blocked will that even be an issue? It's Merino/Tencel. Isn't that just another word for drape?

So it will sit and I will continue to feel uneasy about it.

There's been talk of odd feelings around the blogs today - I saw it in at least two places - and I have my own oddness on a regular basis but today I'm feeling almost angry. Don't get me wrong - I'm deliriously happy that the election process went the way it did but I can't help but feel an extremely guarded optimism. ATTENTION DEMOCRATIC LEADERSHIP: DO NOT FUCK THIS UP. A win is only a beginning. We, as citizens of this fine land, have done the best we can and given you the power - not because we have so much faith in your abilities but because the alternative was untenable. Do not think that this administration will go gently into the night. You must be dilligent and focused. We need CHANGE NOT VENGEANCE, as tempting as the latter might be.

ETA: Okay. Maybe I'm feeling a little bit better about things. But just a little.

And this article in the New York Times yesterday? As scathing as it is, it doesn't even come close to how bad The Gilmore Girls has become. Dude it's like the fucking Waltons.

Posted by Cara at 09:06 AM | Comments (46)

November 02, 2006

Countdown

Yesterday, as most of you probably know, was November 1st. Always, always, always November 1st starts the countdown to my birthday. I love my birthday. So much so I named this here blog after it. And without fail on November 1st, I start thinking about my birthday. I may not say it out loud, but inside, where it really counts, I'm going two months until my birthday two months until my birthday two months two months two months!

This year? Not so much. Somehow I'm not so into the two months until my birthday mantra. Now I'm more like let's get through November let's get through November let's get through November.

Georgie's hip surgery is scheduled for the Monday after Thanksgiving and if we can just get through November everything will be a-ok. He's having hip resurfacing, which is actually a misnomer because it's really a modified hip replacement. He's getting new parts. My own Six-Million $$$$$ Man! (Don't ask how many times I'm going to be ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ing every time he moves. It will be a lot.) I'm praying that this surgery is the beginning of a whole new life for him - for us - PAIN FREE! It's going to be a hard recovery, I'm sure, and unlike his numerous other surgeries, he's actually going to be staying in the hospital a few days (trust me, I'm already thinking about the knitting projects) so there's that extra added seriousness factor. Rehab is of the utmost importance and it's looking like he's going to be home for a while. There's a lot to think about.

Add to that the fact that this is my busiest time professionally. Last year I couldn't think straight and this year will be a bit easier since I'm not taking new jobs right before the surgery (and none after) but still - I've got deadlines and worries and the birthday just isn't taking priority.

And I'm going to be 37. For some reason that seems old(er) to me. I don't know - I don't feel old necessarily - at least not mentally old. But my husband's having hip replacement surgery and I don't have a baby yet. I thought for sure I'd have a baby by now. If I get pregnant when I'm 37 but my embryos were fertilized with eggs that are 34 do I still need to do an amnio? These are the thoughts that run through my head. I'm feeling SO MUCH BETTER these days about so many things, but will that be enough? Am I old enough now? All of these thoughts just make me feel older.

Last year the birthday was all about EXTRAVAGANZA! There were prizes galore and funny photos everyday and while I will be doing a contest for the actual day - assuming we get through November - I'm going to be keeping a bit quieter about my birthday this year. I have so much to celebrate EVERY SINGLE DAY of my life. I have long considered myself one of the luckiest people alive and the older I get the more I appreciate every day as opposed to singling out ONE DAY.

In the past, I've been afraid of odd prime ages. 13 sucked. 19 wasn't the best. 23? One of the worst years of my life. I got married when I was 31 so that might have reversed the curse. Here's hoping 37 brings about a score of new beginnings - atop the list a pain free life for my husband. But I'll settle for a year of ordinary every days. With maybe a couple extraordinary days thrown into the mix.

L, C
I love Georgie!

Posted by Cara at 10:05 AM | Comments (54)

September 14, 2006

Lucky Number 7

Run, my friends, run for the hills for I am in a VERY SHITTY mood today. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Oh look! Look how pretty my Seraphim looks! Maybe two more rows since the last time you saw it? You'd think I did NOTHING to it, but au contraire mon petit amis. Au contraire. What you see here is the FOURTH start to this project. That's right. FOUR FREAKING STARTS. Something wasn't right about my original start to Seraphim. I started off with Addi US #5s and after a desperate call to my knitting sensei yesterday afternoon (I only caught about every third word of the conversation so I hope she told me to go up a needle size) I found a pair of 6s and started AGAIN with those. I was humming along, feeling okay, but not great and I talked to this one and she said, oh so flippantly, try 7s. I resisted for a bit but then pulled out a pair of #7s and started knitting from the other end of the ball. I went back and forth, back and forth between the 6s and 7s and there were more phone calls and Ann told me go for the fabric you like rather than the needle size. FORGET NEEDLE SIZE. It's not the size of the needle but the drape of the fabric or some such double entendre that only a knitter who spent the afternoon watching The Libertine could think up.

Anyway. I started yet again on the 7s and damnit I liked the fabric. So much so I ripped out the start on the 6s and went to dig out a pair of 8s. At this point I didn't really even want to knit the damn shawl anymore because when I want to start something I just want to freaking start it not try eighteen different needles. But I persevered. I tried the 8s. I knit and knit and in the end I didn't like it. Lucky #7s it is. And if it doesn't work out - fuck it. No Rhinebeck shawl for me.

See, I think something like this separates me from being a truly good knitter. I'm not patient enough with these things. I don't want to swatch. I don't want to do the homework necessary to get to the ultimate finishing spot. I'm not intuitive enough to change patterns on the sly, to intrinsically know what's working and what's not working. My skills as a knitter end with the knit and the purl. I can make some damn pretty stitches. But that's about it. Otherwise I'm just following the crowd. That bothers me a little bit, but I'm not sure how to change it. For one, I hate math. HATE IT. And all this figuring things out on the sly shit is all about math. I'll never like math. My brain gets all muddled and my head starts to hurt and I get frustrated and I don't like to feel frustrated and then I stomp around and pout and whatever. Not worth it. Although it really is and I wish I was better about this stuff.

So I'm feeling kind of inadequate and down on myself and I take a break to read some blogs and the lovely Margaux pops up on the list with an update (did you know she's going to her first Rhinebeck? YAY!) She links to Brooklyn Tweed. You probably already read him because seriously no one tells me anything - but OH MY GOD! It'd be one thing if he was just a fantastic knitter. I could handle that - I mean we're all fantastic knitters in our own way and some of us are more fantastic than others, but that's not a big deal. (Although I started out feeling a little bad about my knitting.) And it would STILL be acceptable that he picked up a copy of the EZ classic Knitting Without Tears without knowing that it was freaking signed by EZ herself. BUT the photographs. My god the photographs. All of you people that come here for the pictures - forget it. Go there instead. I give up.

How's that for self-pity?

Jealousy sucks but I happen to believe it's as common as breathing. If I've learned anything from the envy I've felt as I took in someone else's breathtaking photograph or genius short story or fantastically knit sweater or perfectly spun yarn, it's that for everyone who's better than me at something, there's equally someone who's not as good a photographer, writer, knitter, spinner as me. I'm just in the middle. And sometimes, to my perfectionist soul that god help me wants to be the BEST at everything - damn that feels pretty shitty.

Yeah. You all have a good day too. ;-)

Posted by Cara at 10:00 AM | Comments (52)

September 12, 2006

RENew Orleans

READ THIS FIRST: This is a very long post - over 3,000 words. It doesn't have any pictures, except for one at the very end, and it doesn't talk about knitting, unless you count the fact that I mention two yarn stores. This post is about emotions and opinions and I know that a lot of people don't read knitting blogs for emotions and opinions. They read them for knitting and I completely understand and respect that. Tomorrow's post will be all about knitting and yarn. But I was a writer long before I was a knitter or photographer. Writing is my blood and what I felt while I was visiting New Orleans needed to be written down. I'm extraordinarily lucky that there are many of you that keep coming back to read my blog and I'm full well taking advantage of that fact to share my feelings and opinions and my writings on New Orleans with you. I'm putting it out there. You can choose to read, or you can choose not to read. Read some of it. Read all of it. But I'm putting it out there. I thought about closing the comments for this post, but I'd like to hear your feelings about NOLA. Have you been there before? Have you been there since the Hurricane and subsequent flooding? Are you from there? I had never been before last weekend but I will be back. Mark my words, I WILL BE BACK. Thank you for your thoughtful, RESPECTFUL comments. I greatly appreciate your reading.

Cara Davis
September 12, 2006

We flew into Louis Armstrong Airport Thursday night after connecting in Chicago. On the second leg of the trip we watched a decent amount of the last two acts of Spike Lee’s When the Levees Broke. It was awfully strange getting off the plane, tired and a bit disoriented as you always are landing in a new city, and recognizing everything. We had seen body after body lining the floor of the airport on TV – dead bodies, hurt bodies, misplaced bodies. We had heard about people begging to be put on planes out of the hell they had lived through only to end up with a one way ticket and no idea of their destination. The airport was quiet. And empty. But the pain echoed in the corridors. We saw the Jazz Greats mural on one side of the large waiting room, and on the other we found the haunting specter of Icarus, hanging over the room. It was quite scary.

Our ride to the airport was no less eerie, taking us along the highway in the dark, peering through the bus windows wondering what devastation was out there to behold. And then we passed by the Superdome. It was all I could do not to cry.

I have to admit I was reticent about going to New Orleans. I hate flying and I didn’t want to get on a plane. And the recent news coming out of NOLA hasn’t been the best – bullets, crime, the stagnation of rebuilding taking its toll on the people. But a part of me thought it was our responsibility to go. To be a WITNESS. And I’m so glad we went.

On Friday morning I woke up and looked forward to a morning on my own. Amanda had emailed me a list of yarn stores to check out and I figured I would start with the farthest from where I was staying. I called down to the concierge and asked her the best way to get to the Garden District Needlework Shop on Magazine Street. She told me I could take a cab, that would cost about $15 or I could take the #11 bus. I don’t know, but $15 seemed like a lot to me to go about 2 miles (probably the same as NYC) so I took the bus. This might not seem like a big deal to you, but for me it was HUGE. I’m not sure I’ve ever taken public transportation – by myself – in a strange city. But there I was waiting on the corner of Canal and Magazine for the #11. At every opportunity I tried to engage the people around me. I looked them in the eye and I smiled constantly. I was full of positive energy. This is NOT my usual demeanor. I’ve lived in the NYC area for nineteen years and I’ve perfected indifference – on the bus, the subway, at the post office. Wherever, whenever. But in New Orleans I felt like I wanted these people to know that I cared what happened to them. I wasn’t afraid of the badness that had touched them. They were real to me and I wanted to be real to them.

As I road the #11 down (up?) Magazine, I looked out the windows and once again was forced to imagine the suffering that went on behind closed doors. Had these homes been flooded? Were the houses empty waiting for their families to come home? Had children been separated from their parents? Everything seemed okay, if not a bit shabby and yet there was an emptiness to the streets. There were maybe six people on the bus with me and I was by far the only tourist. When I got off at the 2100 block of Magazine, I stood and looked around – not sure where I was and where I was going. I had forgotten the piece of paper with the address of the Garden District Needle Shop so I stopped into a store along Magazine. The concierge had told me that the neighborhood was one of an eclectic mix of shops – you could buy a Louis XVI chair at an antique store and then have it tattooed on your arm at the shop next door. The store I ended up sold lots of kitschy toys and clothes for kids and adults and I asked the young woman at the counter if she knew where the yarn store was – she told me it was across the street, but I felt like I needed to look around her store before I left.

I asked her if the neighborhood had flooded. She told me no, but that they had had some hurricane damage and that after the floods looters had come. I told her that I had seen the Spike Lee film before I left and she asked me what I thought of it. She, a white woman, told me she was nervous to see it because she had heard it was really very biased. I told her that I thought it was about as balanced as Spike could get – but that in the hands of someone like Michael Moore it could’ve been a lot worse. We talked some more about what had happened and how it had played out and she was the first white person, but not the last, to tell me that what happened in New Orleans was a class issue, not a race issue. It was about poverty, not the color of your skin.

I looked around the store desperate to spend some money before I left to go to the yarn shop, and ended up with a Desire New Orleans magnet. It wasn’t much, but they were very grateful that I had come.

Before I left the woman at the store told me about Vera, who had lived in the neighborhood and had been hit by a car when people were running out of town. Her body had been left to rot for many days, until finally the community came together to bury her where she had died. The grave is at the corner of Magazine and Jackson, where I stood and waited for the bus to go home.

The Garden District Needle Shop doesn’t look like much from the front door, but I was a bit shocked when I walked in to see how far back it went. It’s got something of a warehouse feel – white walls and low shelving in aisles on the floor. There were only a few people in the store – it was hard for me to tell who worked there and who was a customer. I wandered around, a silly smile plastered to my face and I listened as the women talked about coming home and the state of their houses and the damage and it was clear that what happened during Katrina is still VERY fresh a year later. People are just now coming back.

I browsed and browsed – determined to spend money – and after I had found some Koigu I went up to the counter to buy it. The sales woman asked me if I had ever shopped there before. I told her this was the first time I had ever been to New Orleans. She asked me why I had come, and I told her, and then we talked about the storm and the flood. She lived close to the store, so had no flood damage, just a bit from the hurricane, but she pointed to another woman working in the store, she lost her house. I told them I had seen the Spike Lee movie (I don’t know why I kept bringing this up – because it was so fresh in my mind? I wanted to be controversial?) and the original clerk – who I think might have been the owner – told me that more white people died or had catastrophic injuries during the storm and floods than black people. Again I was told it was a class issue – not race. We talked a bit more and she thanked me for coming to visit. She told me to go home and tell people that there’s nothing dangerous about New Orleans. The only people being killed are young men trying to reestablish or establish their drug turfs. I told her I thought that if that’s what you were trying to do – it probably wasn’t safe for you anywhere.

I told her I was very happy to be in New Orleans and hoped to come back to visit soon.

I went out to catch the bus back to the hotel – I didn’t have a lot of time to walk around as I had to meet George fairly soon – but I tried to talk to people – ask for help. Where do I get the bus? Do you know when it comes? Just a little bit. It made me feel better. While I was on the bus there was a white man talking to two black women across the aisle. The man had a long bushy beard and seemed not to have many teeth and he had a cane. He was overweight and in the heat he seemed to be struggling a bit. I listened to him tell the women that he had walked twelve hours trying to get out of the storm? Flood? I’m not sure. But he said that when they picked him up they asked him where he was going and he told them Baton Rouge. I think it had taken him twelve hours to walk a fairly short distance. Whoever picked him up took him to a shelter.

All around the bus were signs about evacuating. Do you have a plan? they asked. Have you remembered your friends and family in that plan? MAKE A PLAN! Don’t wait to have a plan in place.

A man got on the bus and needed a quarter. I jumped up to offer him one – just a measly quarter – and he sat across from me and started to talking to me. “Hot enough for you?” I smiled and said yes – it was hot – and it had just started to get cool where I’m from. “Where are you from?” he asked. I said New Jersey and he asked if I lived in New Orleans now. I told him no. I was just visiting.

When he got off at the next stop I understood again that this wound is very very fresh. And then I thought about how a year had passed and how a year is really nothing in terms of time and that how even five years later I can still sit with friends and tell the story of what my 9/11 was like. And they can share with me and that for the people of New Orleans their 9/11 is ongoing and seemingly never ending.

When I got back to the hotel and met up with George, I was so absolutely PROUD of myself. Proud that I had taken the bus, proud that I had talked to people about what had happened. I felt like I had made a connection. Maybe pride isn’t the right word for how I felt. I was a little bit giddy about it. I think, really, that somehow, someway, on the #11 bus that Friday morning, I fell in love with New Orleans.

Later on that afternoon we took a walk to the French Quarter. We were wandering around aimlessly really with no destination in mind and I commented to George that the streets felt incredibly empty. It was Friday afternoon around 4:30 and we were walking on Chartres in the direction of Jackson Square. Completely by accident I came upon The Quarterstitch, one of the other yarn stores Amanda had told me about. We went in and I started looking around – the young woman behind the counter was listening to NPR and when she turned around she seemed surprised to see us. Once again, we talked for a bit while I shopped for yarn – was there flooding? Where did she live? Was she from New Orleans? In the middle of our talk George had left the store to take a phone call and suddenly he came running back in to get me. We had seen a band strolling around before, but they were too far away and turned a corner before we could catch them, but here they were again. I told the clerk I’d be right back – I still wanted the yarn (more Koigu) as I ran after the band. I caught the tail end of it – apparently it was a Second Line, often associated with a funeral – with maybe ten people dancing behind the small band, waving white handkerchiefs in their hands.

When I got back to the store I asked the sales clerk and another woman who had come in if the streets were normally as empty as they were. They told me that it was still summer, so things were pretty quiet, but that it was much more quiet than usual. Eerily quiet, the young woman said.

The next morning I woke up to sheets of rain falling outside the hotel window. My first thought was that the people here must hate when it rains. The children must be terrified.

Later on that day the rain had stopped and we took a tour of the city. Lunch was at Deanie’s Seafood in Metairie about two blocks from Lake Pontchartrain. From there we headed to the 17th Street Canal Levee, which was breached during Hurricane Katrina, and onto the neighborhood of Lakeview, which I think is in Jefferson Parish, right outside of New Orleans. Home after home was gutted and empty. Through the missing windows and doors you could see black walls leading out to the light at the other end of the house. Mattresses, chairs, refrigerators, insulation piled up in the front yard. And then there were the spray painted door markings left by the search and rescue crews. Every time a house was searched, the party spray painted an X on the front door or wall. The number at the 12:00 point of the X was the date the home was searched, at 9:00 the crew that did the searching, 3:00 any hazards in the house, and finally, at 6:00 the number of bodies discovered. Thankfully, I didn’t see any homes with number other than 0 at 6:00, but there are stories that the crews didn’t check well enough, or couldn’t check well enough and many people returned to their homes to find 0s on the door and bodies inside.

Those markings are chilling. I kept taking out my camera and I kept putting it away. I didn’t feel like I could take a picture of those doors. I don’t know if I felt like I couldn’t do it justice, or it wasn’t something I wanted evidence of – I don’t know. The memory of those doors will stay with me longer than any photograph ever could.

Along the streets of Lakeview we saw homes already rebuilt. We saw homes being cleaned out, FEMA trailers in the front yard, but most of all we saw the empty shells of homes. Where had the people gone? Were the families together? Safe? Secure?
Would they, COULD they come back?

From Lakeview we traveled back to New Orleans. Along the way were orange Xs and water lines as far as the eye could see. Some people have chosen to paint over the Xs and the water lines, but it seemed like most were keeping them there. A testament perhaps. Or maybe they just never came back. Occasionally, of the side of the highway, we’d come upon a large group of FEMA trailers. The modern day tent city.

As we got closer and closer to the French Quarter, the visible damage was less and less. But people are getting tired. From what we were told, in the months after Katrina – when the proverbial dust had settled – people were energized. They wanted their city back! They were willing to fight. But bureaucracy and politics and honestly, ineptness and ignorance, are taking their toll on the community. They are exhausted fighting for their homes. The one thing all people can agree on – whether they are black or white or rich or poor – is that the devastation in New Orleans was not caused by a natural disaster. It was MAN-MADE. The Army Corps of Engineers has taken responsibility for what happened to the Levees. For instance, the 17th Street Canal Levee – the flood wall was supposed to be built 17’ into the ground. It was built 10’ feet into the ground. From what I understand, the water didn’t just go over those walls – it went UNDER the walls – picking them up and splitting them into little pieces.

The people of New Orleans are angry. And rightly so. They’re angry at FEMA and they’re angry at the Army Corps of Engineers and they’re angry at their government - at EVERY level. Someone on our tour asked the guide whey they voted in Ray Nagin again if everyone hates him so much. He told us that he voted for Nagin because the other guy was saying the SAME EXACT THING. They felt that the devil they knew was better than the devil they didn’t.

I don’t know, honestly, where class stops being an issue and race takes over. In my limited experience there doesn’t seem to be that much difference. Maybe because of where I’ve lived – I don’t know. I also don’t know if there were more poor black people in New Orleans than there were white, but it would seem that way. And while the floodwaters didn’t discriminate, housing does and the poorer areas are lower and closer to the water. We didn’t go to the Ninth Ward – the tour buses aren’t allowed in anymore and I think many of the homes have been bulldozed anyway. The area of Lakeview we did go into was middle class – and I think predominantly white. Everyone lost something those tragic days in New Orleans. Everyone in this whole wide world lost something.

I’m sure some parts of New Orleans have survived relatively physically unscathed. We had beignets at Café Du Monde and they were fantastic. We ate Bananas Foster at Brennan’s and I can imagine it was as good as it ever was. Bourbon Street is as gross as I had heard. I ask those that have been there before – were the sex clubs lining the streets always so raunchy? I’m by no means a prude, but these clubs were really awful. Most of the street was like one big bar, but there was a really desperate seedy element as well. Was that always there? George was at the casino one night and he was told that the city is teeming with single men – the men that have come back to fix their homes while the family stays away – or men that have come looking for construction jobs. I found this really interesting – from a sociological perspective. How will the city change without the influence of women? (Of course, women are still there – but if the men out number the women by such a large margin, things are bound to change.)

Anyway. This has turned out to be far longer than I thought it would be but I felt like I needed to bear witness to what I saw and experienced. As I said early on, I fell in love with New Orleans. THIS New Orleans – battered and sad and overwhelmed and still standing. I have nothing else to compare it to, I know nothing of the character of the city before Katrina, but I left a piece of my heart there nonetheless.

Thank you for reading.

MAKE LEVEES ~~~ NOT WAR

RENEW ORLEANS is a non-profit group helping to save the music of New Orleans. Buy a T-Shirt.

Posted by Cara at 04:24 PM | Comments (59)

September 11, 2006

The BBC

Visiting New Orleans was one of the most profound events of my life. Flying home into NYC, directly over Lower Manhattan, on the eve of the fifth anniversary of 9/11, made the emotions brought about by our trip all the more intense.

Given the day, I thought I would share a story I wrote. It's about the nature of tragedy and it's both funny, absurd and very sad.

"The BBC," Fourteen Hills, Spring/Summer 2002, pgs. 36-40.
© 2002 by Cara Davis

Read it!

(I couldn't get it all in one pdf document. The Fabulous Bookish Girl merged the documents together for me! Thanks Wendy! I hope you don't have any trouble reading it. You will need Adobe Reader to view it. Thank you.)

Posted by Cara at 12:09 AM | Comments (22)

August 06, 2006

Posted by Cara at 10:21 AM | Comments (43)

August 04, 2006

Yarnival

This week has kicked my ass. In a totally different way than last week. Last week was all about the physical - moving stuff. Exhaustion. Somebody else's problems.

This week has been all about me. Alone. Not eating right. Being hot. Not getting enough done. Feeling unmotivated in every area of my life. Except for the knitting. The knitting was actually really great this week. Which I guess is a good thing and I can't write off the whole week except I'm not making any money knitting and sometimes I feel guilty that I'm not working hard enough or taking care of my family enough or taking care of myself enough and then, well, the knitting can almost feel a little bad. ALMOST. Not really, but almost.

I haven't seen G in like two weeks. The week when I wasn't here, of course, and then this week because he worked late every night. Really late. The project is finished - YAY! - and this weekend will hopefully have lots of togetherness. Our anniversary is on Sunday and G's birthday is Monday so there will be celebrating. Of course, G's birthday is another reason to feel bad. How am I going to top this? I have nothing for G's birthday. Think. Think. THINK! Maybe I'll make him dinner. I haven't done that in a LONG while. And bake him a cake. A chocolate layer cake. His favorite. I haven't done that in a while either.

And then there's the heat. I hate summer, that's not anything new, but this oppressive, dangerous heat plays into my agoraphobic fantasies. I'm not agoraphobic, but sometimes I worry that I will be and staying inside for three days straight only intensifies those fantasies. You know? Why don't I go outside? Because it's hot, or because I'll have a panic attack? Honestly, you really don't want to know what goes on inside my head. It's scary stuff. I did go outside during the day yesterday and I couldn't believe how hot it was - only to come home to find out that yesterday was something of a relief compared to the day before. Almost made me a little sad that I hadn't ventured out the day before. Almost. We're all about the almost today.

Anyway, I don't want to dwell on the negative. I have a shrink appointment in a few hours and I'll be negative enough for ten people today, so why not cheer things up a bit? Yes? My knee highs have progressed very, very nicely. I finished one sock to the heel flap and started the second sock. Want to see a picture? Sure! Why not?

The socks are going to be very different, but I'm quite okay with that. And Teyani and I have come up with a fix for the toes and the heels and I'm VERY excited about that. Let's just say it may be the first time I knit with my own handspun. Now that's a MAGIC sock!! I'm looking forward to knitting up the second leg - I think it will go really fast. I work really well when there's a formula. You know - decrease here, increase there. Do this number of rows. I think that's how I ripped through all those jaywalkers so fast. I had the formula down pat so I knew just what I was doing - how much longer I had to go, etc. It works really well for me when I know where I'm going. HAHAHAHA! If only life could be that simple!

I may also cast on for my top down v-neck Calmer sweater. Might. We'll see. But I'm feeling better about knitty math FOR THE MOMENT - so I shouldn't let it slip by without taking advantage of it. I've got the crochet provisional cast on fresh in my mind as well. You've got to use the skills or lose them.

I've been asked a lot lately about the Chance log cabin and if I've forsaken it. ABSOLUTELY NOT! It's just gotten pretty big and it's been hot and I've found I sweat when I knit - even with the AC blowing directly on me. I think it has to do with sitting in one position for extended periods of time. Anyway, the blanket is pretty big now and it takes a long time to get through a section and it's resting beautifully on the couch and I will go back to it. I love it too much not to and I want the experiment to come to its natural conclusion, but just not this week. Soon. In the meantime, go check out Mustaa Villaa's GORGEOUS log cabin. Smokey pointed it out to me in the comments and I have to say I almost wish she hadn't. It's so blindingly beautiful I am a little envious. It's very inspiring - so much so that maybe I'll sew up the green squares this weekend. Hmmmm.

Okay! On to the title of today's entry. YARNIVAL!!!!

Eve, of Needle Exchange, contacted me before I left for my sister's about her new venture - Yarnival. It's this thing called a Blog Carnival and as far as I can tell, it's kind of like an online compilation of very cool blog entries. Of course, Eve's blog carnival will center around knitting and fiber pursuits and it's a new way for us to read and get to know different blogs. I, for one, seem to be stuck in my same bloglines rut. Not that I don't have excellent blogs listed on my bloglines, but there are tons of new blogs out there and I've been too lazy to seek them out. YARNIVAL will help us all! Anyone, regardless of the length of time they've been blogging or the popularity of their blog, can submit a post to Yarnival. The editor for that edition will choose which ones to include and it will be posted on a certain day of the month. You can read all about it here. TODAY IS THE LAST DAY TO SUBMIT for this month's Yarnival - so RUN OVER and do it. I've already submitted a post. You can too!

Have a great weekend!
L, C

Posted by Cara at 09:34 AM | Comments (17)

July 19, 2006

Root root root for the Cubbies

The streak continues.

On Friday, we arrived in Chicago a bit late, checked into the hotel and made a mad dash to the Red Line for a ride out to Wrigley Field. Ironically enough, the Cubs were playing the Mets. I was rooting for the Cubs, natch. G had been really wanting to make it out to Wrigley - one of the original ball parks - for a long while. I'm not the hugest of baseball fans - I tend to get bored. Not to mention it was really really really hot and when I sat down, this was my view.

Ewwwww! DUDE! How was I going to eat my hot dog looking at that?!? (Sorry Bonne Marie! I had to do it!)

I tried to divert my attention elsewhere:

Old fashioned scoreboard.
The guys in there must have been HOT!



Seats on the top of buildings surrounding the field.
Who do you have to know to get one of those?

And then G said, "What do you think's going to happen today?"

I've talked about it before, but it seems like we can't go to a ball game without something extraordinary happening. It's become kind of de rigueur for my attendance at a baseball game. Friday was no exception.

As I mentioned (along with countless meteorologists across this great land) it was FUCKING HOT! And humid. And as the game wore on it got darker and darker and darker. G said, "I've never seen a rain delay." and it was like NIGHT at 3 PM. The first indication of rain was a huge group of people in red polo shirts who seemed to have come out of the ground around the Cubs dugout. "They're the tarp guys," G said. And then I felt the first few drops. It was a relief to be sure. A drop here. A drop there. Nothing big. The game played on. And then suddenly and without warning the people on the OTHER SIDE OF THE STADIUM at the third base foul line started to run as if their lives depended on it. Of course, they couldn't really go anywhere and it was a matter of seconds before the SHEET of rain was upon us dry folk on the first base foul line.

Where's your shirt now, bub?!

See the person in the clearish poncho next to me on my left? This was actually an older couple - the guy told me he was at the first night game at Wrigley - and while they were huddled under their poncho a mysterious hand came out from underneath and handed me an umbrella. Thank you kind souls! There was really no where to go - the lines to get out of the rain were at a standstill so we sat huddled under the umbrella and laughed. There may have been some kissing as well.


Like 3:15 in the afternoon. See how dark?



Right back atcha baby!

Eventually the poncho couple started to move toward the covered seats and I told G we had to go with them because I wanted to make sure they got their umbrella back. We followed them up and gave them the umbrella. The rest of the delay we stood sort of out of the rain. I talked to a woman who had lost her whole family somewhere. It was her birthday. We laughed.




It stopped, like all rains do.


First you put it on, then you take it off.







I was never so wet in my life. Seriously. My pants were STUCK to my legs. My feet. Oy. You don't even want to know about my feet. But MAN did we have fun!!!




These guys seemed more annoyed than anything.




And the sun did eventually come out again.








Although I think it was hotter AFTER the rain than before. We left right after the seventh inning because we had to get back to the hotel. My pants were wet for days. Here's a picture of what my feet looked like when I finally took my shoes off - all pruny and gross.

The most amazing part of the afternoon was my felted bag. I had my booga bag with me - the one I carry everywhere - and it got pretty darn wet. ON THE OUTSIDE. The INSIDE stayed dryer than dry!!! I swear to you! When they say those felted bags are water proof - my god they ARE!!! Here's a picture of my ticket and G's ticket. My ticket was thrown willy nilly inside my bag. G's ticket was in his pocket.

Dry one on the left, wet one on the right.
But you didn't need me to tell you that, right?


Isn't that CRAZY?! And it never really got wet on the outside either, although at one point at the height of the rain I was hiding it under my chair and the bottom was really wet - like I could wring some water out of it wet. Inside? DRY. I will never NOT carry a felted bag again!!!! AWESOME!

Just like the Cubs fans. I don't think anyone left during the rain delay. That's what I call dedication.

Posted by Cara at 11:43 AM | Comments (43)

July 13, 2006

Through Snow and Sleet and Maybe Not So Much The Rain

I was all set to take the boxes to the post office yesterday but we had pretty horrific weather all day so it was a no go. They actually had tornados in Westchester which isn't so close to me but close enough. The lightning across the swamps was INCREDIBLE. Sustained huge bolts. Scary stuff. And while it took a little while in the day for the rains to come, the thought of trying to load 24 boxes into my car then take them out of my car at the PO with the threat of rain was too much! Today is the day. I have laundry to do too and lots of clothes folding and then tomorrow bright and early CHICAGO!

Last night I started folding the clothes in the bedroom and we had a really really really bad storm - much worse than anything we had during the day - and I started watching this movie Birth. Has anyone seen it? It's that controversial movie where Nicole Kidman gets naked in a tub with a little kid and kisses him. Although she doesn't kiss him when they're naked in the tub. Whatever. He's supposed to be her reincarnated dead husband. I get kind of in to it and I've stopped folding clothes and G keeps walking in the bedroom asking questions and I keep telling him to shush so I can watch and then it ends and I turn to him and say, "My god that movie sucked." Why? Why can't we turn away? Why do we feel compelled to see something through to the end like that? Especially when Nicole Kidman looked so bad it was uncomfortable and Lauren Bacall is looking decidedly Planet of the Apes. I could've had all the clothes folded. Or I could've watched three episodes of Another World which just got really really really good because now Ryan is on the scene and I'm surprised that Anne Heche was still playing Vicki when Ryan showed up. Now THAT'S entertainment! Incidentally, I found it pretty funny that Anne Heche was also in Birth.

Then I had a dream that I started knitting my top down v-neck Calmer pullover. What do you think that means? (THANK GOD for archives because I couldn't for the LIFE of me remember what size needle I used on my swatch and it says right there in internet black and white that I used size 8s. Which seems really wrong because the stitches are small, but that's what I'm going with. I need to talk with MJ though because she did the whole thing top down and that's what I want to do. Her sweater came out PERFECT and I want one JUST LIKE IT!) I'm thinking this will be my 2006 Rhinebeck sweater. Yes. I said it. It's July 13 and I'm invoking the R word.

I've been thinking about socks too.

I'm not sure how much blogging I'll be doing while I'm away - we get back Monday night. Look for an update on Tuesday for sure. I've decided that I'm definitely going to the Loopy party tomorrow night. I will have had a pretty full day by that time and I'm thinking I can sit and knit and meet other knitters without having to worry about much. So come sit by me! Hope to see you in Chi-town! Have a great weekend everyone!

L, C

Posted by Cara at 09:45 AM | Comments (33)

June 13, 2006

DUDE! Why I still blog: Reason #429

(Warning: this is one of those feel good rose colored glasses the universe is a beautimous place post. If you're one of those people who hates everything and everyone, back away slowly. I'm usually like that myself so I understand the nausea. I promise to be back to my cynical sarcastic fugly self tomorrow. Thanks! Have a great day!)

Have you noticed it too? That the knitblog world seems so, I don't know, quiet? Maybe it's just shifting, as these things are wont to do? I just dont know. It seems like lots of people I used to see around all the time have just sort of disappeared. Or maybe it's just that everyone got a life and I missed the memo? (Maybe it's me? I promise to shower more.) I've been thinking about this a lot the last couple of weeks. Like maybe it's all ending and the new new thing is coming along an